La Croix set to introduce 10 new flavors and I rank them

LaCroix water is canned bubbly water with flavorings that people pay good money to drink. The cans are crazy colored and remind me of those hypercolor shirts that were popular in the 80’s. Ten years from now people are going to be embarrassed that they drank La Croix. And 20 years from now La Croix Nostalgia will sweep the land.

10. Lime-Coconut: Coconut La Croix is undrinkable because Coconut tastes like monkey sacks. Lime is La Croix’s most popular flavor. This is an outlandish attempt by La Croix to capitalize on the popularity of Harry Nilsson’s smash hit album Nilsson Schmilsson.
9. Patchouli: “dirt that’s been fucked by a hobo” that’s how Patton Oswalt described Patchouli Oil. I wish I was as clever as him. To me, this tastes like what I imagine the water tastes like in Northern California at some illegal grow operation where they convince young people to give up their youth to clip weed and live in yurts. Because hippies suck.
8. Cilantro: did you know that Cilantro tastes like soap to some people? I wish Jim Gaffigan would do a solid five on Cilantro. I would love to hear him do one of those “audience voices” he does and it would be like “hey buddy, I LIKE CILANTRO” and then he could be all “yeah, well did you also like getting your mouth washed out with soap? Have you ever noticed how white people wash their kid’s mouths out with soap? Maybe they should wash their kids mouths out with Cilantro. I’m white. Have you seen how white I am? I’m so white I make mayo look Asian. Mmmm… Asian Mayo, now with Cilantro. I’m so white, cilantro is spicy. (audience voice) HEY THAT’S NOT FUNNY, cilantro is spicy.” Jim, give me a call and we can discuss royalties.
7. Peach: remember that scene from Cheech and Chong’s Nice Dreams when he makes the joke about turning a pear into a peach? He takes the pear, puts it in a handkerchief, wraps it up, and then hangs the whole thing from his crotch and says “AIN’T THAT A PEACH???” New peach flavored La Croix takes the old “peach-pear” flavor and just stops pretending that there was ever any pear flavoring in it.
6. Vindaloo: in the long-running BBC television show Red Dwarf, the main character (Dave “Cinzano Bianco” Lister) is the last human alive and lives almost exclusively on a diet of vindaloo and lager. I imagine vindaloo La Croix could be bottled from his recycled urine.
5. Lager: speaking of lager, there’s an old joke that goes “how is American lager like making love in a canoe? It’s fucking close to water!” New Lager flavored La Croix takes the idea of American lager and perfects it, turning it into lager flavored water. This will also be marketed separately under the label “Budweiser” as has been done for the last 100 years.
4. Watermelon: neat trick – if you take a can of watermelon flavored La Croix and cut a hole in the side of the can, you can stick a bottle of grain alcohol in it and 24 hours later you can eat the whole thing and get drunk as hell.
3. Smarties: First off, I’m not talking about candy covered chocolates, those are called M&M’s OK? I’m talking about those little tubes of colored chalk slices which we call “Smarties” here in the USA. Each of the colors in that packet are supposed to have different flavors and after extensive testing, the La Croix people came to the same conclusion that the rest of us have, there is only one flavor: Smarties.
2. Plantain: Did you know that the world’s supply of bananas is about to go… extinct? Well, those nasty Cavendish bananas that we eat are all about to go extinct because of a disease. That’s the problem with monocultures, folks. Once a disease works its way into the crop, the crop has no defense. La Croix is getting a jump on the banana extinction incident and is going to introduce plantain flavored water. It’s ok, if you deep fry it.
1. Alcohol: alcohol flavored La Croix is just pure grain alcohol and rainwater. It protects all of your precious bodily fluids. The can is pretty cool too, it’s not a can, it’s just a bottle of pure grain alcohol.



  1. Are you sure you’re not Frank Zappa? Is Zappa really dead?
    Because I imagine this as a Zappa concept album after his favorite bevvy.

  2. Long time follower here Tim. Writing in because I’m a little concerned with this one. I can understand that the misery of following an Arsenal led by Arsene has been tough.
    But this piece is almost a cry for help. You need some professional support there. I know it’s probably nigh unaffordable in the land of the free and home of the brave (and the orange). Consider getting some counseling via Skype. I can try sending you some options if required.

    Hang in there man, it can’t be long now..

  3. I said about two posts ago that welbeck may have a breakout season.. he proved me right …so kolasinac eats “garri” and runs like hulk.. what a game..well, the community shield isn’t a trophy..COYG!!! 😉😉

    1. Welbeck can be a star. But he still tends to fluff his lines in and around the penalty area. Just needs a little more quickness in his decision making.. and better finishing of course. Hopefully that’ll come with staying fit.

      Actually, we looked like we were physically matching up well with Chelsea today. Xhaka, Iwobi, Welbeck, Kolasinac, and later, Giroud, all big guys.

      Elneny played well on first viewing. He could sit deep and pass and he also started to play the Ramsey role (bomb forward) later. I’m hoping he can also have a breakout year because it’s an area of need.

      Oh and I’d like to hear from Josh on whether Lacazette can play as a CF, because I thought he did well

      1. right on, shard. i thought lacazette looked very decent at center forward today. just like i’ve always intimated, he’s a better center forward option than theo or sanchez because he’s more a experienced center forward than those two. however, he’s still a level behind welbeck and a few levels behind giroud. can he prove me wrong? i certainly hope so. we’ll have to let time tell.

        i heard a rumor that everton were considering an offer of £30 million for welbeck. part of me thinks that’s a great offer and arsenal should take it. however, there is no one else in the arsenal side who can do at center forward what welbeck can do. he may be a central figure for arsenal this season. i’d pass for right now and keep welbz. we’ll see.

      2. Lacazette is a CF whose game is based on playing high up the pitch using his speed well to make clever runs in the channels and to get himself free in the area. On top of this style which should suit our play the same way we looked better last season with the dynamic Welbeck playing up front is the fact that Lacazette is also a clinical finisher.

        Lacazettes style of play is perfect for a player with Ozils passing range and he should also do well with Sanchez who will enjoy Laca stretching defenders with his runs while Sanchez does his coming deep and creative attacking striker thing.

        Having Lacazette and Giroud gives us two CFs with different skill sets who can both lead the line and score goals and be deployed dependent on the situation.

        For Welbeck it’s still going to be all about finding the end product to all the great work he does.

        Iwobi continued his excellent preseason and he looks ready to make things happen this season.

        I would be interested to see how Elneny fared statistically today. He did look a little stronger on and off the ball.

        1. sorry, brother. i totally missed your reply yesterday. there’s far more to being a good center forward than just getting behind defenses. you have to be able to win the ball and keep the ball high up the pitch. this is not a strength of lacazette; he often comes deep. he found success at lyon because fekir stayed close to him and the defense had to contend with both. unfortunately, the two arsenal undroppables, mesut and alexis, don’t stay close to the center forward. they drift to deeper and wider areas often leaving that center forward with no one close to him. ironically, even giroud found great success when another striker plays close; see belhanda at montpellier, griezmann for france and even cazorla at arsenal.

          the reality is that it’s way too easy to defend a lone center forward that’s trying to get behind you. frankly speaking, it’s seldom happens unless a defender makes a mistake, slips, or is simply poor. the players that typically get behind defenses are usually strikers that have strike partners, not center forwards. dybala, griezmann, fernando torres, vardy, etc. play in systems with two strikers (4-4-2 or 3-5-2). even when a player like aguero gets behind the defense, it’s when another striker (dzeko, jovetic) etc. are on the pitch with him or wide strikers (sterling, sane) get high and stretch the defense laterally.

          i think lacazette is a fine player but his skill will be better suited, both for arsenal and the bpl, if he were allowed to continue as a striker instead of at center forward.

    2. He’s 27 in November. You think he’s going to learn touch and technique in the box and finishing? Of our two classic centre forwards, one is slow and one can’t finish. Unless you plan on cloning them, having them both in same squad has hobbled Arsenal.

      I didn’t see this game, but Welbeck played magnificently in the FA Cup final, except for finishing. I like him, as a player (somewhat), and as a man. Great personality. I also like it that he likes scoring against United. But the transfer we really needed to make was a CF who combined the attributes of Giroud and Welbeck, and selling one of them.

      Danny is too limited in front of goal, and at this stage of his life, that is not going to change..

      1. refer to my reply to shard concerning welbeck. i agree with you and even mentioned that everton might be interested in offering arsenal £30 million for welbeck this summer. the problem is no one in the current arsenal squad can do what he does. i totally agree that his finishing sucks and is unlikely to improve but he can keep the ball high up the pitch and stretch a defense. these qualities give arsenal a very good strategic option that no one else fits the bill to do. £30 million is a lot of dough for a back up but i would be reluctant to sell. we’ll see what arsenal does.

      2. I disagree that he can’t improve just because he’s 27 (or is that 26?) He’s spent much of his career on the flanks. He’s learnt good movement in the central position, and there’s no reason he won’t be able to learn to finish better if he can stay fit and keep playing. He doesn’t need to be an elite finisher, just a better one.

        1. Agree with Shard. His touch is actually quite good, if erratic. I think he’s miles ahead of Theo in technique and natural talent, so while they both have weaknesses in their game, one’s look like the sort that could, in theory, be corrected, whereas the other looks to have reached his ceiling (kudos to Theo for working hard to find somewhere close to his best in spells last year, but that best isn’t good enough for us). Of Giroud, Welbeck, and Walcott, the only one I’d sell this summer (for less than 35-40m, since at that point it starts to be silly money) is Theo, and even then only if the price were right and we were bringing in one more attacker.

        2. Sorry, he’s too old for Project Youth. We are talking fundamentals here. He played on the flanks because he couldn’t displace the CF, whether it was Rooney or someone else. That is not much of an excuse for lacking basic striker skills. I know that you’re not going to claim he’s aleft winger. 🙂

          His problem is decision making in the final one-tenth, where it’s mostly instinctive, and about composure. He IS 27 in November, as I said.

          I think he’s missing his calling as a 400 metres runner, because he’s a terrific athlete. He excels at stretching defences, and running in behind, and played very well against Chelsea’s back line in the FA Cup Final. He can turn overhit passes into good ones with his pace. It’s when he gets near the goal that he gets nosebleed. I prefer strikers who can actually strike, which is why I wouldn’t be in too much of a hurry to sell Walcott, who knows where the goal is.

  4. my family drinks that stuff. my wife is german so she likes the sparkling water. my son likes it because he doesn’t get to drink sodas too often and this is the next best thing.

    entertaining game today. no alexis, no ozil, no coquelin, and no ramsey and arsenal looked quite good. everyone seemed eager to link with each other and do well. perspective reminds us it wasn’t a league game but you can’t help but think that conte didn’t want to lose that game.

    now for the controversy. sorry to go against the popular opinion of a fan favorite but i don’t believe hector bellerin is that good. when he was initially introduced, i gave him the benefit of the doubt because he was so young. the question is how much has he improved over the past two years? you can see growth with many of the young players like chamberlain, holding, and iwobi but i don’t see that with bellerin. in fairness, he’s had injury problems but he doesn’t look like he’s moved forward at all. if barcelona were to offer anything in the neighborhood of £24 million for him, i’d sell (of course only after extending chamberlain’s contract) and roll with the ox on the right wing.

    the team looked quite good today. kolasinac looked to carry the ball forward with great speed and power, not to mention the goal. elneny looks like he’s fully adapted to the bpl and was excellent. xhaka looked good and is going to get even better. lacazette looked sharp in spots today. he certainly looks better at center forward today than he did against chelsea in china; he’s clearly better up top than alexis or theo. the only problem is we didn’t see enough of him. iwobi is growing up right in front of our eyes. arsenal would be foolish to lose chamberlain.

    typical pre-season happiness. i have my fingers crossed but we’ll see. i’m still not too thrilled with arsenal only playing with two central midfielders. hoping for the best.

    1. Sell Bellerin? I wouldn’t. I don’t disagree that he’s plateaud a bit though I think there was a correlation with Alonso elbowing him in the head last season and his performances deteriorating. Which is why I was smiling when he went in hard on Alonso today.

      He might also be a little fatigued after going to the U21s in the summer, which might explain Holding’s erratic game today too.

      Cech was channeling his inner Almunia today coming out of goal, and once when he kicked with the right foot.

      An encouraging team performance, but work needed on defending set plays (we almost conceded another at the end) and hopefully a few more days will bring increased sharpness and will see the return of some big players.

      1. I agree that Bellerin’s performances have not been great, including his U21 appearances thus summer and it seems to coincide with his injury. At this point, since he is so young we can’t consider selling him. Putting him on the bench behind Ox, a midfielder would be better.

        1. I loved how he left his studs in on Alonso today. I know we’re not supposed to celebrate violence and eye for an eye is no way to live but I also think football is the one place where such urges are more OK. He took a booking for it and didn’t care. It’s the least the bastard deserved for leaving his elbow on Bellerin’s head and giving him a concussion last year.

          1. Doc, it’s not violence. It’s simply a part of the game that’s gone missing from Arsenal’s repertoire for one reason or another over the years and they need to bring it back in order to become more successful.

            That’s one of the reasons I like Welbeck,even though I agree with the consensus re his limitations in front of the goal, because he’s not afraid to leave a foot in. And he’s more likely to get away with it than other Arsenal players perhaps because of his ex Man U and ex England international credentials.

            There was not much wrong with Alonso’s challenge on Bellerin btw. It was the fall that gave him the concussion.

  5. Nice for us to start the ‘season’ on a winning note with a team missing Özil and Sanchez against a very strong Chelsea team. The Community Shield is a damn if you lose it and eh, it’s only the glorified friendly if you win it situation. Winning feels good no matter how significant the game.
    You cannot help but be impressed early on with Kolasinac who is literally and figuratively going to steamroll the opposition. He is a player that will and can run through a wall for the team.
    Chelsea sure could have used the bullish Costa today.
    Nice to see Bobby Madley is in mid-season form. Most of our ‘favorite’ referees would have given a yellow to Pedro but it was clearly a red when you see the replay.
    Someone recently commented how El-Neny is starting to show he can make forward passes and that can elevate him above the dreaded “squad player” appellation to an “important role player” for this team.
    Rob Holding had a pretty hit and miss game today but maybe he just missed the focus that playing against Costa brings.
    Welbeck needs to join Özil in that freezer when he’s in front of goal.
    Xhaka started the game and finished the game and that was a good thing.
    Looks like one team practiced their PKs for this game.

    1. Conte’s cry of ‘Mamma Mia’ when told about the new penalty format confused the Chelsea players, especially Morata who was reciting the lyrics as he missed.

  6. From what I saw of the highlight clips, I’m excited about Kolacinac. We knew we acquired a good physical presence, but now we have added aerial threat, which is good. With the exception of Giroud, Welbeck Koscielny, and Mustafi to some extent, we are bit soft on the physical side of things… both in the air and in the tackle.

    Good to hear Lacazette played well.

    On another note, how did Morata look to you guys? A good fit for Chelsea? Too early to say? I’m curious

    1. like you, i’m a fan of morata but he didn’t have a good game today. conte’s said that morata is not even fit, so a roughly 20 minute cameo suited him. the combination of kolasinac in front of him and nacho behind didn’t give him much room to breathe, let alone express himself. he’ll need time and, without hazard, it may take him a lot longer to make his mark on a regular basis.

      btw, i believe it was absolutely foolish for conte to text costa and tell him he was no longer included in the team’s plans. nothing good can come from that. as much as i like morata, there’s no way i rate him higher than costa and when you need a goal, costa is the guy to get it done; world class center forward.

      1. Costa is terrific centre forward, for me, after Harry Kane, the most complete CF in the league last year (I’m not counting Alexis as a CF, and while Zlatan had a good season, he doesn’t bring Costa’s all round menace and physicality).

        He seems to be a bit of a richard, so there might be behind the scenes stuff that we don’t know about.

        1. Costa is a major di$k and Conte is a strict disciplinarian , so perhaps no surprise they have clashed on more than one occasion.

          Had it been Wenger, we might’ve been talking about how he can’t manage big personalities( Costa being one), while Conte gets a pass.

        2. one thing i’ve learned from my time in this game is that there are two players you may have to grant a bit of latitude to. those players are your goal scorers and your goal keepers. most are fine being like everyone else but the brilliant ones tend to be a bit weird. the invincibles side had the moody henry and mad jens but, at their best, those players were brilliant. in order to be at their brilliant best, they may need the freedom to be a bit of a deviant; instead of putting them on a straight line like everyone else, they may need a lane that gives them a left and right limit. a lane provides them with guidance while still granting them a little more freedom to maneuver. costa’s brilliant at his best and may not be a line walker but can certainly be a lane walker.

    2. Everyone hates to hear “I told you so” but I was already excited about Kolasinac before this game. He’s got a combination of toughness and technique which is exactly what Arsenal needed. Defensively and in forward areas we look very well stocked this year. I think people underrated Sead because he came on a free and a footballer’s worth has come to be defined by his transfer fee.

  7. If he keeps thus up for I dunno – 30 games or so – Kolasinac is going to be a beast.

    Might as well start the hype early. He did impress today, though.

  8. I had do a search Tim to see if La Croix was indeed a real product. I thought you may have created it as a parody of the ridiculous amount of flavored water products just like it. In finding it was indeed real I also found a few articles ranking their existing flavors from the ridiculous to the allegedly sub-lime. Thanks for the commentary and the laugh and the education.

  9. I thought Tim’s favorite player Elneny looked pretty good yesterday. I think that right now if we had to choose one of Elneny and Coquelin to keep in the team, I would go with Elneny. Especially if we are playing with 3 CBs, I don’t see what value Coquelin brings to the squad anymore. Wenger has previously used Coq for the high press but I thought Elneny did that pretty intelligently yesterday, picking his moments to press or dropping back to intercept. Maybe playing at CB has helped his game after all.

    Impressed with new additions as well. Lacazette had a couple of good link up plays in the first half and was unlucky not to have scored when his curled shot hit the post. I think he is going to be a better version of Theo up front. I don’t see him being involved as much as Giroud or Welbeck but when he does, generally good things will happen. Wenger called him efficient, and that just might be him in a nutshell. He will need more time to get used to the way the team plays but I think he can still make a difference while he is adjusting. We need to realistic though and not expect him to light up the league this season.

    Kolasinac is built like a tractor. We needed a player like him on our team. I can’t wait to see players just bouncing off him.

    With so many starters out yesterday, we showed we have good depth in the squad. Perhaps a bit too deep. There doesn’t seem to be too big of a gap between our starting XI and the supporting cast. I still want a technical player in mid-field. Someone with experience would be even better. We seem to match up well against this Chelsea side because they don’t press our back line as much. I would have preferred it if one of the two pre-season Chelsea games were against a team like Liverpool and see if we have improved in that department.

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