La Croix set to introduce 10 new flavors and I rank them

LaCroix water is canned bubbly water with flavorings that people pay good money to drink. The cans are crazy colored and remind me of those hypercolor shirts that were popular in the 80’s. Ten years from now people are going to be embarrassed that they drank La Croix. And 20 years from now La Croix Nostalgia will sweep the land.

10. Lime-Coconut: Coconut La Croix is undrinkable because Coconut tastes like monkey sacks. Lime is La Croix’s most popular flavor. This is an outlandish attempt by La Croix to capitalize on the popularity of Harry Nilsson’s smash hit album Nilsson Schmilsson.
9. Patchouli: “dirt that’s been fucked by a hobo” that’s how Patton Oswalt described Patchouli Oil. I wish I was as clever as him. To me, this tastes like what I imagine the water tastes like in Northern California at some illegal grow operation where they convince young people to give up their youth to clip weed and live in yurts. Because hippies suck.
8. Cilantro: did you know that Cilantro tastes like soap to some people? I wish Jim Gaffigan would do a solid five on Cilantro. I would love to hear him do one of those “audience voices” he does and it would be like “hey buddy, I LIKE CILANTRO” and then he could be all “yeah, well did you also like getting your mouth washed out with soap? Have you ever noticed how white people wash their kid’s mouths out with soap? Maybe they should wash their kids mouths out with Cilantro. I’m white. Have you seen how white I am? I’m so white I make mayo look Asian. Mmmm… Asian Mayo, now with Cilantro. I’m so white, cilantro is spicy. (audience voice) HEY THAT’S NOT FUNNY, cilantro is spicy.” Jim, give me a call and we can discuss royalties.
7. Peach: remember that scene from Cheech and Chong’s Nice Dreams when he makes the joke about turning a pear into a peach? He takes the pear, puts it in a handkerchief, wraps it up, and then hangs the whole thing from his crotch and says “AIN’T THAT A PEACH???” New peach flavored La Croix takes the old “peach-pear” flavor and just stops pretending that there was ever any pear flavoring in it.
6. Vindaloo: in the long-running BBC television show Red Dwarf, the main character (Dave “Cinzano Bianco” Lister) is the last human alive and lives almost exclusively on a diet of vindaloo and lager. I imagine vindaloo La Croix could be bottled from his recycled urine.
5. Lager: speaking of lager, there’s an old joke that goes “how is American lager like making love in a canoe? It’s fucking close to water!” New Lager flavored La Croix takes the idea of American lager and perfects it, turning it into lager flavored water. This will also be marketed separately under the label “Budweiser” as has been done for the last 100 years.
4. Watermelon: neat trick – if you take a can of watermelon flavored La Croix and cut a hole in the side of the can, you can stick a bottle of grain alcohol in it and 24 hours later you can eat the whole thing and get drunk as hell.
3. Smarties: First off, I’m not talking about candy covered chocolates, those are called M&M’s OK? I’m talking about those little tubes of colored chalk slices which we call “Smarties” here in the USA. Each of the colors in that packet are supposed to have different flavors and after extensive testing, the La Croix people came to the same conclusion that the rest of us have, there is only one flavor: Smarties.
2. Plantain: Did you know that the world’s supply of bananas is about to go… extinct? Well, those nasty Cavendish bananas that we eat are all about to go extinct because of a disease. That’s the problem with monocultures, folks. Once a disease works its way into the crop, the crop has no defense. La Croix is getting a jump on the banana extinction incident and is going to introduce plantain flavored water. It’s ok, if you deep fry it.
1. Alcohol: alcohol flavored La Croix is just pure grain alcohol and rainwater. It protects all of your precious bodily fluids. The can is pretty cool too, it’s not a can, it’s just a bottle of pure grain alcohol.


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