Arsenal FC player casting call

Arsenal FC, a.k.a. “The Arsenal”, are looking for a talent to join their exciting team. An ideal candidate would:

Have perfect technical skills. Strike the ball hard, low, high, curling, with the laces, side foot, outside of the boot, left foot, and right foot. Possess immaculate touch, especially touch at speed: when running full speed at a defense and the ball is played in to him, he will never miss handle the ball. Have touch so pure that the Pope would blush. Score when they should score but also when they shouldn’t score. Pass the ball to a teammate when they should score, so long as the teammate scores. Always pass the ball in a way that anticipates both the strength and weaknesses of their teammates and the opposition defenders. Never pass the ball sideways. Pass the ball sideways when they are in a 2 v 1 and their teammate is wide open beside them. Dribble in crowded defensive areas and break down packed in opposition defenses, shoot when needed, pass when needed, but don’t make it look like you are hogging the ball or “trying to do too much”.

Be able to run at near Olympic speed. Sprinters preferred. Job requires 90 minutes of sprinting, with perfect touch and technique, two to three times a week.

Have amazing lung capacity, long distance runners preferred. Be able to run all day but won’t just “run around like a headless chicken”. Running between sprinting is a must. Be a sprinting long distance runner with immaculate touch and perfect technical skills.

Be large and physically imposing, strong in possession, and make sure that no one can foul you off the ball. Be able to win headers and challenges against much larger men who are allowed to foul you with impunity. Never feign injury, unless you do it in a crafty way that people can justify as possibly real.

Have a football brain. Know where you are on the pitch at all times. Know where all of your teammates are on the pitch at all times. Know where the spaces are that you need to cover. Know where the spaces are that your teammates need to cover and cover those spaces as well. Know where the spaces are that are that are about to be needing cover and cover those spaces. Read the passing lanes and intercept opposition passes. Be able to press opposition players aggressively for 90 minutes. Be able to tackle but don’t make tackling errors, especially around opposition players who feign injury. Win the ball back and start counter attacks by passing QUICKLY and then sprinting into an attacking position while making sure that you don’t leave a gap in defense.

Be humble. Be respectful. Be a leader but make sure everyone else is a leader at the same time. Lead in a group, like a line of leaders, with no one leader in front of the others. Be vocal in the dressing room and on the pitch but don’t point at things too much. Publicly take your teammates to task for their failings while not being egotistical. Praise your teammates and make sure the public knows that “your teammates make you better” but don’t be too anodyne with your post-match intervew questions that you look boring.

Medical history required with application. Candidates with more than one absence due to illness or injury in the last five years will be disqualified.

Apply via fax to:

020 7619 5001
Arsene Wenger
c/o Ivan Gazidis
c/o Stan Kroenke
Highbury House
75 Drayton Park
N5 1BU



  1. I know we probably covered almost all of the available candidates, but the more I think about it, the more I find one player to be a good fit for the current squad, and that player is Eden Hazard.
    Now, I know buying a player is “not like buying a loaf of bread”, and “why would they sell to a rival”, but if we are thinking big, go for Eden. He can play and switch with Alexis, and he is a very Wenger type of player. I know it’s probably a pipe dream, but if I could, I would take him over Draxler, Higuain and Benzema every day.
    Besides, Chelski then will use that money to immediately buy Mahrez and everyone will be happy.

    1. I completely agree, if we’re gonna do this then we might as well go big. Plumb down 60 – 80m euros and see what chelsea says. hazard, alexis and giroud with ozil behind him would be good enough strike team in my opinion. Or as some ppl have suggested, we could change and go with 2 up front (alexis and giroud) and play ozil on one of the wings.

  2. Glad you’re back, Tim. Monchengladbach. But do we have to fill out that code every time we want to post a comment? Or just the first time? I guess I could try and find out!

    Anyway, I’m a bit worried about the total lack of credible transfer rumors, other than those about bit-part youngsters leaving the club. I struggle to think of a summer in years past when even the red tops haven’t bothered to make up many stories, so little is going on around the club.

    Of course, that doesn’t mean nothing is going on, but I think between the fact that really good players are being priced way out of Wenger’s imagination and that there’s very little willingness in general for clubs to sell, we may legitimately wonder whether there will be a new striker at the club next season.

    1. Interesting how perspectives differ. I was going to comment that with so many players linked, I’m finding it hard to keep up.

      Sure, no one rumour has caught fire, but there’s been rumours around Lacazette, Higuain, Icardi, Lukaku, Draxler, and the latest, Bacca.

      If we think the papers don’t just print shit, then perhaps this means that Arsenal have been looking at all these options and more, but haven’t made a call yet.

      We’ll sign a striker.

      1. Higuain agreed terms with Juventus(?) Would Wenger spend ₤52m on a 28 year old anyway? Draxler staying put. Lacazette staying put. Icardi, Bacca neither is as good as Giroud, waste of money.

        We’re at the point where Lukaku is only “realistic” target and we’ll never get him. That’s hilarious. Front line of Iwobi/Sanogo/Walcott to start against Liverpool. What a shit show. Alexis may hear that and not even board the plane from Santiago. Ozil will stay in Hollywood.

        Arsene better get in there, pony up and over pay for a Berahino or Bolassie or some other mid-level striker or we’re getting no one.

    2. It IS concerning. However, if you look at Wenger’s comments from last year he mentioned that most of the transfers happen in the last few days so I think that give us a bit of clue as to how the club approaches transfers. From what I have seen I believe we have a three tiered approach to transfers. In the first tier, you have guys like Bellerin and Coq. We identify young talent, bring them into the academy and hope to develop them enough where they either make it to the first team or get sold. In the second tier, you have guys like Elneny and Xhaka. Players we have followed for a while, who are a bit under the radar and relatively young in their careers. It seems like these are guys we can snap up with relative ease because they are not being aggressively pursued by the elite clubs. They aren’t quite the finished article but they are ready to contribute to the first team. In the third tier, you have guys like Ozil and Sanchez – experienced superstars who are being sold for one reason or the other. This is a relatively new market for us and I think we navigate these waters in a more cautious, opportunistic way. The prices of these players are somewhere in the mesosphere. As a new comer in this market, I believe the club is right to exercise some caution and wait to see what happens. What I am concerned about is whether or not we have back up plans in place. I guess we will find out in a few weeks.

  3. So what you are saying, Tim, is that this player, among other things, should have bags of pace.

    P.S. loving this new site.

  4. I just drop by to say hi.
    The new site is looking good.
    As for my opinion on Arsenal transfers, who knows, maybe not even Arsene.

    1. If you hadn’t included that last sentence there I was thinking you could be a spam bot. 😉

  5. I love the look of the site. It’s superb. It also much neater, in my opinion.
    My slight problem would be that, i like to read others comments before i make mine, in case somebody already make a point that I’m trying to write. After i read all of it, I have to scroll up again to make my comments. The last one, the comment box place at the bottom, if i recall. So, that’s just my two cent.

  6. Carlos Bacca. 30 yo in Sept. Wants one last big payday and to play in the CL. I know him well because he plays for my other team. 20 goals for a seventh place side in Serie A is damn good. I would take him over Vardy because like Giroud, he will contribute to the team and not be hanging out waiting for the pass to spring him. He will take on defenders and he has pace. He ticks the Wenger South American and striker boxes. He is just not named Higuian, Aguero or Dybala. He also won’t cost 80 mil either. He will give us Sanchez like effort and he will finish off chances created by Özil. He would be a good buy for us

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