The Arsenal Haunted House of Horrors

Welcome to the Arsenal Haunted House of Horrors. Prepare yourself for blood-curdling terrors as our actors and pneumatics take you on a thrill ride so real you’ll leave questioning the very nature of reality. It’s a three hour thrill ride through the Emirates stadium and over the bridge to Highbury. You will be taken on a journey through the past and into the future. And you will see things no one should ever have to endure. Below is but a sample of the horrors that await.

You’ll Hate To Room – Guests are subjected to puns about score lines from Arsenal matches in the past, such as the infamous 8-2 loss to Man U. Actually, it’s mostly just a room full of puns about how you’ll “h8-2 do X” or questions about how many apples you consumed to which the only correct response is always “I 8-2.” The AI for this room was built using the “banter” tag on twitter from the year 2011.

Get Out While You Still Can! – Strap on the Immersive Reality headset and step into the body of mediocre footballer Joel Campbell. Your goal is to escape Arsenal football club and land a permanent contract somewhere else. It’s not as easy as it looks! The real Joel Campbell has only made it as far as a loan deal with Sporting CP.

Room 1000 – You have matchday tickets to Arsene Wenger’s 1000th game for Arsenal. You get to sit right behind Arsene Wenger as Jose Mourinho’s Chelsea literally scar Wenger’s heart by chopping him into 6 pieces at Stamford Bridge.

Hell Room – Speaking of Mourinho, this actor gets plenty of work! In this room he gives his first Press Conference as Arsenal manager, and the date is December 23rd 2017!

Lunch Room – All guests receive one complimentary Tottenham Hotspur Lasagna Lunch! Harkening back to the day that six Tottenham Hotpus players got food poisoning before the final match of the 2006 season, losing the match and the Champions League place to Arsenal as well! Do you dare eat it?

Clown Room – Wind your way through this brightly lit hellscape modeled after the Arsenal dressing room as Lukas Podolski pops out of blind corners and asks if anyone has seen his shin pads. Meanwhile, his mate Emmanuel Eboue does weird chicken dances. Special prizes awarded to the guests who can stay more than 5 minutes in this Psychological torture fest.

Ghosts of Highbury – This is just a tour of the Arsenal Museum. Charlie George does a great job as usual, delivering history in sardonic quips.

MY BUCKET – Sam Allardyce has a bucket. He loves his bucket. Wait.. Greg Clarke takes away his bucket. Nooo they be stealin my bucket!

The Horde – On a full sized pitch you are given a football and asked to dribble through an Orc horde wearing Ryan Shawcross masks. Can you get past them?

The Joey Barton Room – This is a well lit white room with one feature: Joey Barton staring at you intensely while How Soon is Now plays softly in the background.. “how can you say, I go about things the wrong way?” Don’t worry. This may be the scariest room in the house but Barton is encased in a glass house with two way mirrors and he can only see himself, though he is vaguely aware of the outside world.



  1. You didn’t mention the features still under construction:

    The Injury Room where guests have the opportunity to win prizes by trying to match up to ten Arsenal players with their correct injury and and time lost. There are literally tens of thousands of combinations!

    Abou Diaby has his own special section!

  2. Whew!

    I thought the Stadium of Light was going be Arsenal’s Haunted House of Horrors after the PK leveled it at 1-1.

    Anyone who saw the match knows that 4-1 was not as comfortable as the scoreline looks for too much of the game.

    We still need to put these kinds of games away with greater authority but this is looking more and more like a team in better contention than last year. Conventional wisdom (my own included) decreed that we should have won the league but these guys are stronger with much better depth and have finally found their scoring boots.

    The kind of resilience we are showing is most welcome as well.Elneny and Coquelin were effective in the double pivot and Sanchez had no issues moving out wide again for Giroud who made his return in an emphatic way. How we missed those headers in the box! Sanchez MOTM despite some profligacy not make it a hat trick or even more. He was unplayable for large parts of the game leaving Sunderland’s back 4 helpless on many occasions.

    1. Come on, man. What do the boys have to do to impress us these days? A 4-1 win away from home. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?? lol. Having said that I think it’s normal to feel nervous at that point as an Arsenal fan in particular. We are an odd bunch though.

      I’m loving the surveys on because it gives insight into how hopelessly impractical we are as a fanbase. Anytime there is a question about whether we will win a competition, 3/4 of the respondents will say we will be the winners. Whenever we are asked to predict a score, 3/4 will say we will be the winners. When it’s against “weaker” opposition, 3/4 will say it will be by 3-4 goals. Those are some hopeless expectations, though I realize the limitations and that they don’t apply to all, and I know the group here is far more discerning, etc etc.

  3. Well done to United and Mourinho today. Another hard fought point from a game against a tough Burnley side. Better to take the point than risk being outgunned by the better team. And it helps keep Burnley below them in the table. Got to play the long game.

  4. While it is Halloween, it is also Diwali – the festival of lights. And at the stadium of light, Arsenal slew the darkness represented by the Black Cats, and the man in black, referee Martin Atkinson special weapon of selective penalty awards.

    Our valiant heroes Sanchez and Giroud slew the monsters and keep us moving along to the good times.

    Happy Diwali.

    1. Well said Shard. I like the whole Stadium of Light reference to Diwali. Our lamps are lit, there’s the big annual party for our community tonight here in Toronto and I can celebrate with 4-1 smacking by victory.

      Happy Diwali to one and all.

      “You’ve got to kick at the darkness til it bleeds daylight”

      – Bruce Coburn

  5. In a congested EPL title race, it was vital to keep up with Man City and Liverpool and have a three point cushion heading into the first North London derby of the season. We’re well placed, if we keep cool heads and show the requisite hunger and intensity, to negotiate the ‘death run’ of November fixtures without suffering any lasting damage. I think Wenger has handled Xhaka’s suspension-enforced absence very well. There was no point appealing it. His unavailability and that of Cazorla as well has forced us to give precious game time to the other midfielders and keep them match-fit. Elneny and Coquelin now know they have the manager’s confidence. Whenever they’re called upon, they’ll be ready. I certainly feel that, compared to Liverpool and City, we’ve the greater number and variety of central midfielders of consistent premier league quality. Keeping that area fresh will literally be central to our trophy aspirations this season.

  6. There were some good signs from Arsenal today:
    Coquelin and El Neny were rocks.
    Sanchez is the total package and should have made the Ballon d’Or based on his Arsenal and Chilean records as opposed to some of those named.
    Martin, Martin, Martin, WTF are we to do with you? The new rules on calling PKs for grappling on CKs would have justified giving off a PK on the Sanchez pull back. No matter, Arsenal did what I’ve wanted for years and that is overcoming atrocious refereeing decisions to get what we deserve.
    Ruthless Wenger drops Monreal after a couple of poor performances rather than being loyal to a player having a bad patch.
    Walcott injured, no problem, up steps the Ox.
    No one would argue that right now, we are right where we need to be at this point in a young season.

    1. Slight correction, Monreal was injured not dropped. Although Gibbs does really well in attacking but not have a noteworthy performance in defense if i recall.

      I hope we have an eye for Grimaldo when Monreal times is up. He is a left back Bellerin and Benfica best player, for a left back that’s saying something. But i don’t know if it will disrupt our balance or not.

  7. Have to admit, I thought this was going to a repeat of a horror show we’ve seen before. Good opening goal and total control of the match. A combination of poor finishing and crap refereeing conspiring to keep us from extending the lead. Gifting them a way back into the match with an individual error. Talk about deja vu. I think all but the most blinkered of Arsenal fans were resigning themselves to a morale sapping defeat. Even Wenger admitted as much. But then the players changed the script and turned the game around, eventually winning at a canter. I can’t remember the last time we not only won a game after getting pegged back that late in the game but put a team to the sword like that after a relatively late equalizer.

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