Welcome to the Arsenal Haunted House of Horrors. Prepare yourself for blood-curdling terrors as our actors and pneumatics take you on a thrill ride so real you’ll leave questioning the very nature of reality. It’s a three hour thrill ride through the Emirates stadium and over the bridge to Highbury. You will be taken on a journey through the past and into the future. And you will see things no one should ever have to endure. Below is but a sample of the horrors that await.
You’ll Hate To Room – Guests are subjected to puns about score lines from Arsenal matches in the past, such as the infamous 8-2 loss to Man U. Actually, it’s mostly just a room full of puns about how you’ll “h8-2 do X” or questions about how many apples you consumed to which the only correct response is always “I 8-2.” The AI for this room was built using the “banter” tag on twitter from the year 2011.
Get Out While You Still Can! – Strap on the Immersive Reality headset and step into the body of mediocre footballer Joel Campbell. Your goal is to escape Arsenal football club and land a permanent contract somewhere else. It’s not as easy as it looks! The real Joel Campbell has only made it as far as a loan deal with Sporting CP.
Room 1000 – You have matchday tickets to Arsene Wenger’s 1000th game for Arsenal. You get to sit right behind Arsene Wenger as Jose Mourinho’s Chelsea literally scar Wenger’s heart by chopping him into 6 pieces at Stamford Bridge.
Hell Room – Speaking of Mourinho, this actor gets plenty of work! In this room he gives his first Press Conference as Arsenal manager, and the date is December 23rd 2017!
Lunch Room – All guests receive one complimentary Tottenham Hotspur Lasagna Lunch! Harkening back to the day that six Tottenham Hotpus players got food poisoning before the final match of the 2006 season, losing the match and the Champions League place to Arsenal as well! Do you dare eat it?
Clown Room – Wind your way through this brightly lit hellscape modeled after the Arsenal dressing room as Lukas Podolski pops out of blind corners and asks if anyone has seen his shin pads. Meanwhile, his mate Emmanuel Eboue does weird chicken dances. Special prizes awarded to the guests who can stay more than 5 minutes in this Psychological torture fest.
Ghosts of Highbury – This is just a tour of the Arsenal Museum. Charlie George does a great job as usual, delivering history in sardonic quips.
MY BUCKET – Sam Allardyce has a bucket. He loves his bucket. Wait.. Greg Clarke takes away his bucket. Nooo they be stealin my bucket!
The Horde – On a full sized pitch you are given a football and asked to dribble through an Orc horde wearing Ryan Shawcross masks. Can you get past them?
The Joey Barton Room – This is a well lit white room with one feature: Joey Barton staring at you intensely while How Soon is Now plays softly in the background.. “how can you say, I go about things the wrong way?” Don’t worry. This may be the scariest room in the house but Barton is encased in a glass house with two way mirrors and he can only see himself, though he is vaguely aware of the outside world.
