Concierge: Mr. Wenger, how are you?
Wenger: Well, thank you. A little tired. (sighs) Ok, if I am completely honest I need a little bit your help.
Concierge: Say no more sir! I have exactly what you need over here, a midfielder. Let’s see.. you missed out on Camacho, I sold him to Wolfsburg. Keita would be perfect but he’s on layaway for Liverpool as of yesterday.. you still don’t want Carvalho?
Wenger: No. I’m not here to buy a midfielder. I have plenty. My team has too many midfielders.
Concierge: How about Rubén Perez or Seri?
Wenger: I am here to make an exchange.
Con: Oh? What would you like to return?
Con: Whoa. That’s.. that’s a big ask Arsene. I mean. Are you sure? Why don’t you just keep him? You made him into a superstar. I remember when people laughed at how much you paid for him from Barcelona. They said he was the “chaff” from the Suarez deal. Man, you really picked a top player there and you did the thing that you used to brag about: you didn’t BUY a superstar, you MADE him! You keep him.
AW: I can not. He has stopped working.
Con: WHAT? Did you drop him? How did you break Alexis?
AW: I do not know. He has simply maybe stopped working. I would like to exchange him, please.
Con: (raises eyebrows dramatically). I see. Let’s see what we have here.
AW: How about Aguero?
Con: Don’t be ridiculous. Kun would never join Arsenal. I mean, no offense but you do know that you have a reputation now? You are literally trying to exchange your broken reputation as we speak. Let’s try something a little less outlandish. (checks the shelves behind him) Ah yes, here, Sterling.
AW: (a pained grimace) hmm.. possibly. We could sell him to the fans as the “New British Corpse.”
Con: Core or c.o.r.p.s., not corpse.
AW: Yes. As I said. Ok, but we will need cash as well. To cover expenses. £20m.
Con: I think this can be arranged. Anything else?
AW: yes. I would also like to exchange this Gibbs.
Con: You still have Gibbs? That’s incredible. He’s in good shape. Barely used. What would you like for him?
AW: Johnny Evans.
Con: (laughing.. Wenger stares at him, cold eyed) Oh, uh, sure. I think we can do that. Uhh. Well this is odd. I will need to talk to Pulis. I will try to get you £7m for Gibbs and see what can be done about Evans. Call back tomorrow, ok? Whew. That’s a lot you’re asking Arsene! I pray there’s nothing else you need? I mean, I’d get a midfielder in there personally. OHHH I know! How about… Rolando MANDRAGORA? Juventus kid, on loan to Crotone. He’s got that dragon thing that’s super popular right now. Or Leon Goretzka!
AW: No midfielders. We have plenty. And no more Germans, they have not worked out very well for us. Actually, I have a few more items I need moved.
Con: Are you having an estate sale? Did someone die?
AW: (stares at him cold again) I need to move Mustafi, Ox, Debuchy, Chambers, Wilshere, Lucas Perez, and Joel Campbell.
Con: there are two days left in the transfer window, sir. I would need to be a miracle worker to make all that happen. Also, are you really trying to tell me that you are going to sell ten players (if I include Jenkinson) and bring in just three or four? And no midfielders?
AW: No midfielders.