Arsenal FC player casting call

Arsenal FC, a.k.a. “The Arsenal”, are looking for a talent to join their exciting team. An ideal candidate would:

Have perfect technical skills. Strike the ball hard, low, high, curling, with the laces, side foot, outside of the boot, left foot, and right foot. Possess immaculate touch, especially touch at speed: when running full speed at a defense and the ball is played in to him, he will never miss handle the ball. Have touch so pure that the Pope would blush. Score when they should score but also when they shouldn’t score. Pass the ball to a teammate when they should score, so long as the teammate scores. Always pass the ball in a way that anticipates both the strength and weaknesses of their teammates and the opposition defenders. Never pass the ball sideways. Pass the ball sideways when they are in a 2 v 1 and their teammate is wide open beside them. Dribble in crowded defensive areas and break down packed in opposition defenses, shoot when needed, pass when needed, but don’t make it look like you are hogging the ball or “trying to do too much”.

Be able to run at near Olympic speed. Sprinters preferred. Job requires 90 minutes of sprinting, with perfect touch and technique, two to three times a week.

Have amazing lung capacity, long distance runners preferred. Be able to run all day but won’t just “run around like a headless chicken”. Running between sprinting is a must. Be a sprinting long distance runner with immaculate touch and perfect technical skills.

Be large and physically imposing, strong in possession, and make sure that no one can foul you off the ball. Be able to win headers and challenges against much larger men who are allowed to foul you with impunity. Never feign injury, unless you do it in a crafty way that people can justify as possibly real.

Have a football brain. Know where you are on the pitch at all times. Know where all of your teammates are on the pitch at all times. Know where the spaces are that you need to cover. Know where the spaces are that your teammates need to cover and cover those spaces as well. Know where the spaces are that are that are about to be needing cover and cover those spaces. Read the passing lanes and intercept opposition passes. Be able to press opposition players aggressively for 90 minutes. Be able to tackle but don’t make tackling errors, especially around opposition players who feign injury. Win the ball back and start counter attacks by passing QUICKLY and then sprinting into an attacking position while making sure that you don’t leave a gap in defense.

Be humble. Be respectful. Be a leader but make sure everyone else is a leader at the same time. Lead in a group, like a line of leaders, with no one leader in front of the others. Be vocal in the dressing room and on the pitch but don’t point at things too much. Publicly take your teammates to task for their failings while not being egotistical. Praise your teammates and make sure the public knows that “your teammates make you better” but don’t be too anodyne with your post-match intervew questions that you look boring.

Medical history required with application. Candidates with more than one absence due to illness or injury in the last five years will be disqualified.

Apply via fax to:

020 7619 5001
Arsene Wenger
c/o Ivan Gazidis
c/o Stan Kroenke
Highbury House
75 Drayton Park
N5 1BU


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