All asides, no filler; the 2024/25 season preview

No matter how much I have tried to disconnect from the footballing world, bits of information seep into my world and stick to me like hot, liquid petroleum jelly. Someone mentioned Mikel Merino the other day and at first I thought it was another one of those cute nicknames people have for Mikel Arteta but it turns out he’s yet another midfielder to add to the collection. He apparently made 18 tackles in the opposition final third (in 27 full90 equivalents) and this means that he’s perfect for Mikel Arteta’s high pressing system. Whether we will get this player remains to be $€€n.

I’ve also been splattered with the news that my beloved Emile Smith Rowe (no hyphen between the Smith and the Rowe) has been transferred to Fulham and the money is being used to keep the FFP wolves at the gates. It has to be done, I’m afraid. All the academy players (hopefully not Bukayo Saka) one day will be sold because the money is 100% profit and can be amortized to the bejeezus belt so that Arteta can bring in more 6’2″ midfielders who like to tackle high up the pitch.

Also leaving is Eddie Nketiah, maybe. Who knows? Maybe to Bournemouth – a club which is sometimes called “AFC Bournemouth” so that they can put Arsenal 2nd in the alphabetical order, because people who make tables hate Arsenal. I propose that we embrace the hate and make them put Arsenal in the middle of the table by insisting that we are THE ARSENAL. I see your AFC Bournemouth and raise you THE ARSENAL. Chumps. The Arsenal would also put us just one place above Tottenham, which is simply the universe correcting itself.

But all of this chaos is one of my biggest pet hates. The football season is going to start in two days and we don’t even know who’s in the team. There’s a vague idea (Saka!) but looking at all the other names I still see Kieran Tierney listed as a first team player and while I know that he’s returned from loan (to Sociedad, Merino’s club) there’s little to no chance that he will get into the squad over Takeyasu, Timber, Kiwior, Zinchenko, or Calafiore (a new guy who I know nothing about. Yes, I do, in fact, watch Italian football, Jerry, but that doesn’t mean I watched much of Bologna and when I did I didn’t notice him at all).

If I was in charge of the transfer windows I would make them exactly two weeks long and they would open on June 1st and close on June 14th. Done. I don’t care about “internationals” or whatever else. Get the players in, get them situated, and play CLUB football. Apparently, the window doesn’t close until the 30th, meaning that Arsenal will effectively have played three matches before we are 100% settled in the squad.

And to make that even better, there’s an international “break” right after the window closes, until the 9th of September. I’ve heard tell that the players are suing FIFA/UEFA over this work schedule. Good. I can only hope they win. I’ve had all the arguments on here for decades and I’m not entertaining them any longer. FIFA is the most corrupt organization in football. FIFA is a blood sucking parasite on football, forcing players to play in its tournaments, which enrich the men at the top of their respective organizations, who keep voting for the chief parasite of them all: Gianni Infantino.

The only way to cure football from FIFA is to burn it off the body.

I feel the same way about Man City/Newcastle/gambling sponsors/Visit Rwanda/Fly Emirates and all of the other ills in football.

To which I suppose I should give a prediction for the Premier League table this season, with the following caveats:

We don’t know what’s going to happen to City and their 115 charges of corruption, cheating, financial doping, and lying. I personally hope they get a 20 point deduction, Guardiola quits, and they fuck off to mid-table obscurity where they belong. And since it’s my list, that’s where I’m putting them.
Who. The. Fuck. Knows. What teams are going to look like when they return from the first international break? We could have 4-5 players out and 2-3 players in, even at Arsenal. Lord only knows what Chelsea are going to look like when they return to action.

So, with that in mind, here’s my table, based on literally nothing but vibes and last season’s xGD.

Arsenal. Had the best xGD last season, should have won the League, if only we didn’t lose to fucking Aston Villa (twice).
Liverpool, why not? They were the third best team last season.
Brighton. I’m not putting Chelsea up here!
Chelsea. I’m not putting Tottenham up here!
Tottenham. The most try hard team in the League.
Newcastle. Howe is fired in November.
Brentford.
Fulham. The Smith Rowe effect. (uhh, this is probably unrealistic because they did lose their star midfielder Palhinha)
Everton. Unless they get more points deductions! lol
Man U. Southgate replaces Ten Hag in December.
Man City. After the points deductions they come unglued. It’d be even funnier if the League forces them to sell players.
Wolves. Every team from here on down is essentially interchangeable.
Aston Villa, because I hate Unai Emery. Not kidding. They won’t be able to handle the twice a week play, and Emery was extremely lucky on away days last season. I don’t expect that luck to hold.
Forest
Palace
Southampton
AFC Bournemouth
Ipswich
West Ham. I do think they’ll get relegated this season, unless the PL docks Everton and City a ton of points.
Leicester

So, there it is, a completely vibes-based prediction. The thing about that is, at least I’m telling you up front that I’m going off vibes. Most of the other so-called reporters pretend that they have some special insight!