Hi, it’s me, God. I’ve heard your prayers and your post-match proclamation that your team winning was “God’s Will” and I want to talk to you about that.
First off, I think I should clarify a few things that humans have gotten wrong over the last few thousand years. The big one is, and I’m sorry to break it to you but, almost all of the religions are wrong.
I don’t know how you all heard what I’ve said (and I know that you have heard at least some of my words because they are in your bible, koran, zen koans, etc.) and somehow turned that around to mean the exact opposite. How did you manage to take “love thy neighbor as thyself” and turn it into “God Hates Fags”? How did you take “don’t kill” and turn it into “except women who have sex before marriage and homosexuals”? For the vast majority of you, you live a perversion of my truth.
Some of you listen to preachers who claim that I speak through them. Guys like Pat Robertson who say vile things like “hurricane Katrina was punishment because we are living in sin”. Pat Robertson is an actual demon, who says demonic things and perverts my message. I warned you all about false preachers as well, and boy did you not listen to that.
Anyway.. (I also like to start sentences with “anywho” these days) The good news is that because so many of you all are unworthy, heaven is relatively empty – except for dogs – almost all dogs go to heaven (not that dog that bit Tim’s dog yesterday). And I like it this way! I have all the good boys to play fetch with and some good humans who are really nice people. Heaven is sort of like my house. Could you imagine living an eternity with someone like Benny Hinn, one of those insufferable right-wing trolls on twitter, anyone who works for the NRA, or anyone from the Republican caucus? Nightmare fuel!
Probably not a surprise but there are no politicians in heaven. The only one who even has a chance is Jimmy Carter and that’s because he wasn’t a very good politician, he was mostly honest and tried to do the right things. And he atoned for his political sins after leaving office as he spent the rest of his life building houses for the poor. Like literally with a hammer in his hand, building houses. I like him, he’s a guy who listened to what I had to say and lived his life the right way.
Back to the topic at hand, there are also not very many athletes here in heaven. Sorry! Most athletes are greedy, vain, and self-centered. And they also allow themselves to be corrupted by the money and values that have ruined organized sports since the beginning. People talk about “sportswashing” these days as if it’s something new. What do you think the Roman Colosseum was all about? That was a rich guy spending billions to use sport to make himself look better than he actually was. Vespasian and his son Titus used Jewish slaves to build the Colosseum! Does that sound familiar to you?
I also have to say that I hate almost all sports. The only sport I watch at all is Test Cricket and that’s because it takes forever to play. Look, I’m a deity with literally infinite time on my hands and I need a sport that helps fill in that time. Test Cricket is the one.
The point is that I’m just not following any of the sports called football, basketball, baseball, or ANY of the Olympics – which I consider to be mankind’s worst invention. I MADE NATIONS TO PUNISH YOU FOR YOUR PRIDE! And what did you go and do? Make a sport that amplifies national pride into a count of how many medals you’ve won. Again, you pervert everything I tell you to do, ya freaks.
But even closer to the point, do you realize how stupid it sounds to say that your team winning is just “part of (my) plan”? Yes, Professional Athlete, I the infinite god of all of the universe, all powerful, all knowing, set in motion a plan at the start of time which would create the earth and evolution, so that I could have dinosaurs (which we do have up here in heaven by the way, because they are cool!) then kill them all off and create the human-specific habitat which would eventually lead to apes and then hominids which would then evolve into Neanderthals who would then mate with humans (which was way grosser than you can imagine) and create the modern human beings which would organize into cities, create sports, and television, and money, and sports drinks, and fans hurling racist abuse on Twitter, just so that the New York Red Bulls of Soccer could score a goal that won them a game. It’s all just part of my “divine plan”!
I don’t know what Calvinist preachers you’ve been listening to but there ain’t no divine plan. There is no predetermination and if there was, I certainly wouldn’t have sketched out having you putting a ball into a net. I would have had you all playing cricket or building houses for the poor. In fact, you should go out there right now and build houses for the poor or volunteer at a hospital for sick people or literally do anything to sacrifice some of your comfort and wealth and opulence to help people who have less than you do. That’s what I would have you doing. That would be my plan. But you don’t like that plan, you only like the idea that my plan somehow makes you incredibly rich and famous.
My plan would also have you nitwits solving the climate crisis. You know that you’re killing yourselves, right? Like all of you are going to die and I’ll have to start all over again but with like cockroaches or something. And I’d really rather not let sentient cockroaches into heaven, thanks. So quit thanking me for stuff I haven’t done and start making your world a better place.