Paul Merson rose to fame in the George Graham Arsenal side, winning the famous 1989 League title, a second League title in 1991, the FA and League cup double in 1993, and the European Cup Winner’s Cup in 1994. He was one of Arsenal’s star players, dazzling people with his attacking prowess on the pitch. But off the pitch he was boozing, chasing women, gambling, and putting sulfites up his nose. On the field he was a wonderful footballer, one of the best. But off the field he couldn’t shake his demons and by 1996 he had admitted he was an alcoholic, and a gambling and cocaine addict in his book Rock Bottom.
Merse played professional football for 10 more years after his first treatment, plying his trade first at Boro then Villa, Pompey, and finally at Walsall in 2006.
In 2003, while at Pompey, he checked himself into Sporting Chance clinic, the treatment center set up by his former Captain, Tony Adams. In his press conference, a teary eyed Merson said
“I’ve stayed away from drink and drugs but gambling has beat me, spanked me all over the place.
“This is one of the biggest killers in the world. Every day it would go through my head about committing suicide.”
In his 2011 book How Not To Be A Professional Footballer he would later admit that his gambling addiction had taken over his life well before his transfer to Pompey:
“At my lowest point as a gambler, the night before an away game for Aston Villa, I sat on the edge of my bed in a Bolton hotel room and thought about breaking my fingers.
“I was that desperate not to pick up the phone and dial in another bet.
‘‘At that time in my life I’d blown around seven million quid with the bookies and I wanted so badly to stop, but I just couldn’t – the next punt was always too tempting.
“Slamming my fingers in a door or breaking them one by one with a hammer was the only way I knew of ending the cycle.
‘‘It was insanity really. The walls had started closing in on me.”
He knew he was an addict, everyone around him knew he was an addict, and yet, there in 2011, at the end of a news article about his book in which he details his gambling addiction, he says these words, which are just devastating: “I still gamble today, but I only play with small amounts I can afford.”
That in an addict still in denial. And it’s no surprise that here we are 10 years later and Merson has once again opened up about his gambling addiction. And once again he’s written a book about his addictions, this one is called Hooked.
In his interview with the Times he claims that he didn’t want to admit that he had a gambling problem. That he used his addictions to alcohol and drugs as a cover for his gambling addiction. There is a logic to what he says
Yet what I had not fully comprehended until I read his new memoir, Hooked, was just how grievous his gambling addiction was. He admits that for a very long time he tried to downplay it. Even when he came out and talked about his addictions in 1994, he made sure that the emphasis was on his drinking and drug taking. He was terrified that ordinary football fans simply wouldn’t be able to understand his compulsive gambling. “I didn’t want to kill myself because I was drinking too much and taking drugs. I wanted to kill myself because I was gambling,” he says. But he feared that while blokes on the terraces might accept and even relate to the booze and coke, they simply wouldn’t be able to sympathise with somebody who habitually lost all their money. “If I said, ‘I’ve got a major gambling problem, I’m losing everything, I’m a league winner and I can’t afford to carpet my house,’ then everyone would just go… ‘You need to be put away. You’re not wired right. There’s something wrong with you,’ ” he says, drawing his body up in mock revulsion. “That was my biggest fear.”
Ben Machell. (September 17, 2021 Friday). Paul Merson: how drink, drugs and gambling made me suicidal. thetimes.co.uk (paywall, see your local library for access)
Merson says that things are different now. He has finally realized that he has an illness and has accepted that this illness doesn’t make him a bad person. He hasn’t placed a bet in a year and hasn’t drank in three years. He has a lock on his phone which prevents him from gambling and his (fourth) wife controls his finances.
He also details his depression, his ADHD, and how the lockdown of 2020 launched him into a depressive state which fueled his magical thinking that made him turn to gambling to try to secure his future for his family.
It happened during the first lockdown. He’d convinced himself that the restrictions would never be lifted, that his work as a pundit for Sky Sports would dry up and that he would be unable to support his family and provide the home they deserved. “I got scared,” he says. “I didn’t see a way out. So I thought I need to turn all this money I’ve saved into enough money to get my wife and kids a future and a house.”
Ben Machell. (September 17, 2021 Friday). Paul Merson: how drink, drugs and gambling made me suicidal. thetimes.co.uk (paywall, see your local library for access)
If you’re reading all of this and wondering how Merse didn’t just quit or didn’t just check himself into treatment 15 years ago when the problem first arose then you’re among the many many millions of people in the world who probably aren’t an addict. But what he’s detailing here is the self-deception, the magical thinking, and the decades of lying and stealing from everyone around him to fuel his addiction.
It always surprises me how non-addicts fail to see the signs of addiction. Or maybe they see them but don’t want to admit that they see them because it’s too much work, too painful, to confront the addict – especially while they are using. Confrontations almost always turn into conflagrations as the addict burns that friendship in order to keep using.
In his interview for the Guardian Football Weekly, Paul Merson spoke to Max Rushden about his addiction and it was a painful conversation. These were two long-time friends and colleagues. Merse and Rushden had worked together for years. In that conversation they talk about how they had gone to the pub together, Max had watched Merse place bets, Max even loaned Merson money at one point: Merson said he told Max that he wanted to take his wife to the Sydney Opera House or something. But in reality Paul Merson used that money to gamble.
As I was listening to Max and Merse talk about their interactions my first instinct was anger. Why didn’t Max say something? He knew that Merson was betting on unusual things like Albanian professional football matches. He knew that Merson was making dozens of bets a day. He loaned Merson money – people with steady jobs making tens of thousands of pounds a week generally don’t need to borrow money from their buddy. Why didn’t he see all these signs and and say to himself “hang on a minute, this is a guy with a history of addiction, a guy who wrote a book about how he’d spent his entire football pension (£750,000) on gambling, a guy who admitted to a drink and drugs problem and he’s once again drinking and gambling. This might be a problem.”?
Because this is what people do. This is how addiction thrives. It requires a culture of omerta where people are almost required not to speak about the problems that they see, about the person that they see right in front of them debasing themselves. It’s that culture of silence, of ignoring the problems which I want to shine a spotlight on.
Paul Merson says he wrote Hooked because if it helps just one person, then he will have done some good. And I agree with him, entirely. I’m not trying to set myself up as an expert in the field, nor do I think that people really care about what I have to say, I’m not that egotistical. But if I can help just one person, just one family, get help with this debilitating disease, then I will count myself as having done some good in the world. So, here’s my primer on addiction.
The first thing you have to know about addicts is that they are liars. I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard from an addict’s wife who suddenly found their husband’s hidden stash of empty whiskey bottles – in the garage, in the basement, in the ceiling tiles, hidden between walls. These people will tell you that their husband swore he was clean but that’s what they do, addicts lie to you, they hide their disease, they hide in shame. They wait until everyone goes to bed and then they drink. Or they only drink when no one else is around. The thing is that I think people know. Or at least they suspect. But they are too afraid to confront the addict or maybe they just can’t because that person controls all the finances (I’ll talk about this in a minute) but that lying, that constant deception eats away at every relationship that the addict has.
Not living in the moment. They cancel plans because they want to get high instead. They can often get angry about having to do things that other people would just enjoy – like going on a family vacation – because it takes them away from the thing that they would rather be doing, using. While they are with other people it’s hard to use (unless they are with another user). And they disappoint their children and loved ones along the way.
Obsession with money. Money is what feeds almost all addictions so it’s natural for an addict to constantly be worried about money. I’ve seen many adults with full time, stable, jobs, jobs they have held for 10, 20 years who suddenly have money problems. This is a huge red flag, folks. Non-addicts can – of course – fall on hard times. But if your husband/wife/parent has a job and has had one for years and they suddenly start having money problems, there is likely something else going on. The same if your friend comes to you and says “oh hey, can I borrow $10k? I want to take the wife to Australia”. It’s not always an addiction that’s the problem but by god that’s a huge sign.
Compulsive behavior. Probably the clearest sign that someone has a problem is compulsive behavior. For me this sounds stupid to say – because it’s pretty much the entire thing with addiction – but for some reason people don’t think compulsive behavior is that bad. Merson was having 60+ bets a day. There is no world that I live in in which that is a normal amount of gambling. I know that some people like to go down to the bookies and sit for several hours and bet on the ponies or the dogs or whatever. And sure that might be fine, just like there are people who stop by the bar every night for 5 pints on the way home. Are they alcoholics? Not for me to say. But it is exactly what an alcoholic would do. Just like if a gambler is constantly betting on his phone. Maybe he’s not got a problem, but it sure is what someone with a problem would do.
Those are the basics. So what should you do if you or someone you know is showing signs of addiction? Get fucking help. Go talk to a therapist. Talk to your GP. Call a help line. Go sit in at an AA meeting (or GA or NA, anything for fuck’s sake). TALK TO A FRIEND. Don’t just sit there and wallow in this behavior.
I liken addiction to standing in a room with six inches of shit and a shit spigot pouring in more shit. If a stranger walked by and saw a person standing in shit, they would say “holy fuck man, you’re standing in shit! Why don’t you get out of that shit?” But the addict will reply “oh yeah, it’s shit, but it’s only up to my ankles.” It might be up to your ankles now but the problem is that if you don’t do anything about it, you will drown in that shit.
I can’t make you get help. You can’t make your loved one get help. But you can get help for yourself if you love an addict who is using. And if you’re an addict, you can get help. Don’t wait until the room is all the way full of shit.
In the USA: SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357), (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service) or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations. Callers can also order free publications and other information.
In the UK:
The irony is that Merson was writing a weekly article for SkySports predicting football results and the odds on those results. Good grief.
I worked for a few years as a Hospitalist in an urban/suburban setting. The hospital was on “the heroin highway” and addiction was everywhere. We saw heroin addicts and their complications all the time. They were all such sad stories. The guy who used his mom to get pain pills, forcing her to lie to me about her symptoms and then coming by every day to pick up the loot. The woman who had three children in state custody and a vegetation the size of a quarter on her aortic valve and still used. The girl with congenital HIV who wouldn’t take antiretrovirals because she was using and came in with disseminated fungal infections. The girl who killed herself by using IN THE HOSPITAL after she had been admitted for endocarditis. The dad who got hooked because he wouldn’t believe his son couldn’t just put it down, so he tried it for himself. And of course the countless poor sobs who were hooked on Oxys before the state began mandating prescription surveillance and were still touring rehabs and urgent care centers with increasing desperation.
These people didn’t fit into any demographic, they were generally above average intelligent and they were not all from broken homes. Some were well educated. The hold this had on their minds was staggering to see up close. I could see it acutely too when I gave people to intravenous opioids even if they’ve never used. They stopped processing information the same way, they became excessively emotional and they rode the rollercoaster of rising and falling drug levels.
Anyway it’s a topic that tugs my heartstrings. I spent countless hours with these people. They represented about 50% of all my work at the hospital. They never had a place to go, they would refuse long term antibiotics or the infectious disease docs would simply refuse to give it to them. Discharge an addict with a PICC? What could go wrong? When they did go, they’d go to “facilities” where they would stay “safe” with their central catheter. Only the dealers knew where these places were and frequented them so more often they are actually hotspots for users instead of places of healing. Most of the frequent fliers died during my 5 years there. All of this occurred in Massachusetts, the state with the most and best support for any type of healthcare including mental health and addiction because of Masshealth (which was the model for the ACA).
All that to say I co-sign Tim’s message. Addiction in the modern world is a large scale tragedy and I don’t see how it will get better.
Thank you so much for sharing, Doc. This is a terrifying reminder of the horrific lives addicts lead.
Tragic, Doc.
Interested to hear you mention Oxys. When I was in Maui a number of years ago, I had a series of quite acute headaches, invariably at night. Went to the local hospital who did all the scans etc. Couldn’t see anything wrong. Anyway, to get to the point, the doctor prescribed me painkillers.
So off I go to Walgreens with my prescription, and the pharmacist asked to see my passport. Why?
She explained that the painkillers were in fact narcotics and they had to keep a tight check on things, as there was a black market. Needless to say, I passed on the prescription and kept on with the Tylenol.
Once I got home, I checked on the web and found out that Oxys were incredibly addictive and a massive problem amongst kids in the US. I literally had no idea.
The question I want to ask is how come a medic can prescribe something, which can quite easily spiral into addiction and not even warn me?
Sad to hear about Merse. A genuinely nice guy, believe it or not. Always happy to talk to you. Very genuine. No airs and graces. A big Chelsea fan, but we forgive him for that. Back in the 80s, it was an entirely different culture in football, especially at Arsenal for some reason. Drink, gambling, drugs. You name it. Even within the youth set up. There was the famous Tuesday club, where a whole load of the players would find a pub, have a lock in and get completely wasted. Playing cards on the coach for silly money. It was almost a rite of passage. George Graham knew about it, but his attitude was as long as you performed on Saturday, the rest was your business.
Witness Tony Adams and Kenny Sansom as two examples. Of course. once their careers finish, they are left to fend for themselves. Negligence on the club’s part. The last I heard was that Sansom was homeless and sleeping rough in a park. This is a man who has 86 full England caps.
Mark, it is tragic but thousands of people just like you but with slightly less suspicion got hooked on oxys and many of them ended up on heroin when their money dried up because that stuff is actually cheaper and the chemical effect is similar. I’ll bet what happened to you was a good many years ago. Now there are all sorts of safety checks like registries such that docs with past violations cannot prescribe and there is a centralized source that shows exactly who filled which controlled prescriptions, when and where (kind of amazing this had to be created on the back end and not up front!). You also cannot just e-prescribe them but must print and on a special kind of paper. There are no “restricted” prescription pads like there once were, pads that could be stolen and forged upon. Most docs are hypervigilant now, almost excessively so. But all of this was created to combat not just the addicts but especially crooked docs who made a living, in some cases, of supplying them. Those were dark days.
The good news is that the manufacturer of Oxycontin had to declare bankruptcy because of all the lawsuits and backlash over precisely this issue. The bad news is that they are still filthy rich and that these drugs are still out there, albeit much better regulated.
I remember the push for Oxy in the 90s. I went to the doc with back pain and I was just a young man (27) and he said – I’m not exaggerating – “we have a new pill that’s not addictive but will help with that” and that pill was Oxy. Well, I already knew enough about Oxy because I was sort of hooked into drug culture to know that whatever the pharma guys were telling this doc was BS because folks were already hooked on that junk on the streets so I told him no thanks, that I wanted to try massage therapy. His responses was “massage therapy doesn’t work, I’m prescribing you Oxy”.
I didn’t fill the scrip and got a new doctor.
Makes you wonder whether the doctor in question and the Oxy sales representative had a cosy little “financial arrangement”. Does that happen in the States? It wouldn’t be beyond the realms of possibility.
I suppose it also begs the question, how good Paul Merson would have been if he had been “clean living”?
You think Merse was trouble? I recall a kid in the youth team called Kevin Dennis who was put away for murder, along with a couple of his brothers. Talented, played on the wing. Apparently, an argument broke out at a night club, which got out of hand.
I just checked on the web.
“The victim was stabbed nine times in the back of the head, chest, stomach, arms and legs. There were also cuts to his body caused by broken glass.
Seven bouncers, one of whom was also stabbed, eventually managed to haul the gang off the victim.”
Wow! That’s a crazy story. I also Googled him and the murder you’ve quoted was his second. When he was 16 he got 30 months for stabbing someone 6 times to death…
Get this, they let him out early as part of his rehabilitation, to play for Arsenal’s youth teams. Crazy!
I watched him a couple of times. He was actually quite a promising player. Needless to say Arsenal didn’t take him on, so no idea what’s happened to him. Still inside, I imagine. Back then, it wasn’t unusual to get kids coming through from tough, deprived backgrounds, maybe less so nowadays, for some reason.
I remember Andrew Cole arriving at the club as a 16 year old. Very much the star of the team, but had a pretty awful upbringing from the wrong part of Nottingham. Fortunately, got his life together and had a successful career, albeit away from Arsenal, who regrettably let him slip. Ended up one of the leading all time goal scorers in the Premier League. More than Thierry Henry. I think one of the main issues is the company some footballers keep. No shortage of “friends” who take them down the wrong path, as you can imagine.
The other Arsenal player you might want to check out is Alan Hudson. A brilliant midfield player who made his name at Chelsea, but had a couple of seasons with us. After he retired, he was knocked down by a hit and run motorist, while walking round London. Smashed his pelvis and was in a coma for weeks. Had a lifetime of pain and disability. He said afterwards that he thought the “accident” was a deliberate “hit”. He had gambling debts and owed money to some very unpleasant characters, who didn’t like to take no for an answer. An interesting character and a fascinating story. Took the usual route of alcoholism and divorce. You can find it on the web. He may even have written a book.
Ashley Cole, more goals than Henry? Surely not?
he said andrew cole, not ashley cole…the striker from the man united treble winning side.
Apologies, he did. Sped read it and there’s only one Cole that comes to mind as “the one that we let slip” or more accurately “allowed to be tapped up”.
On another matter, just watched ESR get a goal for England U-21s against Andorra. It’s on the web somewhere. Sprinted virtually the length of the pitch to get on the end of a pass and coolly slot it past the keeper. Woeful defending, but he still had to do it. Never looked like missing. That boy will get goals eventually.
i think the tough part with non-addicts failing to see addiction is they don’t recognize addiction as readily as an addict would. however, you’re right when you say that even if they do, it’s a huge sacrifice to help an addict. this requires tons of moral courage, commitment, consistency, and patience. likewise, as you said, they’re dealing with liars.
all in all, non-addicts want to believe the addict will be able to kick the habit, so to speak. doc’s story of how a man, essentially, didn’t believe his son’s addiction was real really hits home; experience always beats an argument but my word, the cost of that man’s experience…..
i have a friend who’s told me that if a doctor get’s caught “making money” with these scripts, they only serve a suspension but don’t necessarily lose their license to prescribe narcotics or practice medicine. if that’s true, it’s an incredibly low standard. i’m sure a sterner position is taken against physicians who are repeat offenders but, for me, this is a 1-hitter quitter.
when i was a kid, summers were long. i often went through my mother’s old records. she had this one album by an artist named gil scott-heron. he has a song called “home is where the hatred is” and that was my first foray into the mind of an addict. it touched not only on the addiction but the shame, lies, abandonment, and frustration of people simply not understanding addiction. it also touched on how easily thoughts of suicide could consume your mind. i think i actually cried the first time i heard that song.
this song, coupled with the demise of my alcoholic father just a few short months later, brought the constant dread of being addicted to any chemical substance. even now, i couldn’t imagine fighting addiction. there’s no guarantee that you survive that. to want to break your own fingers suggests you’re down in a bad way. good luck to merson and anyone else fighting addiction. i know there are people here who have their struggles.
Huge sacrifice is a euphemism. It is as if to say that the sacrifice is only personal but it isn’t. When you wade into a room full of shit to help a guy drowning in shit, you go home and to your workplace smelling the same and they will have to put up with it as well.
My late father was a wealthy man, who lost the lot in the early 1960s when the casinos opened in London and he was hooked every night.
After he died, my mother found the cheques (in those days the banks returned the cheques to you) £5k each. In those days you could by a nice house for that money.
I dare say that in those days it was not regarded as an illness, whereas nowadays it is, but the casinos, betting shops and online betting companies actively encourage people to throw their money away.
Don’t know if I can really contribute to this conversation but the line “he feared that while blokes on the terraces might accept and even relate to the booze and coke, they simply wouldn’t be able to sympathise with somebody who habitually lost all their money” really resonated with me.
I feel like I’m about to get laughed out of the shop but around 17-20 I had a video game addiction which very nearly ruined my life. I picked up an mmo in towards the end of my first year in college (UK college), I’d had a bunch of things happen with my first proper girlfriend that isolated me from friends and I slowly poured myself into the game.
I would stay up to all hours playing the game, I started missing classes or sleeping through them. My physics teacher told my parents he thought I was on drugs which they laughed off. I went from a straight A 95%+ student to barely scraping B’s. It doesnt sound like much but I lost out on a top Uni i had gotten into due to my dip. I still managed to get into a backup but moving into dorms just gave me the freedom to completely cut-off. I would barely eat, then only in early hours to avoid the people in our dorm. I spent most of my money on the game roughly £13k all told. I avoided going home, talking to any friends.
I nearly failed first year and would have dropped out in second year for sure but my best friend forced me to meet him over the summer. I don’t know what tipped him off I was in trouble but when we met he told me he was genuinely afraid. I looked like a skeleton having gone from a fairly athletic guy to a waif. He forced me to meet people from his uni and spent the next 3 weeks not letting me out of his sight.
Eventually I transferred to his Uni and the proximity helped but like Merson believed I could simply play casually now that things had gotten back on track. I fell back into old habits and I failed first year at the new uni. Having nearly been kicked out I resolved to stay away from any online games.
It sounds small time but I think I’ve got an addictive personality and the brush with addiction from something which is small time has helped me stay away from bigger threats. I’ve avoided the sort of drinking friends do. I stopped getting involved when peers at uni dabbled in drugs as suddenly I was buying every day. But yeah I can remember the behaviour Tim talks about quite clearly and have always had to be pretty introspective. Whenever I start feeling and acting that way its a sign i need to back out.
I just feel like it can be hard when your addiction isn’t one of the big two (D & A) the shame and ridiculousness makes it hard to reach out and for anyone to take you seriously if you do.
Thanks for sharing and no, I don’t know anybody who would laugh at that. If I did I would un-know them pretty quick. Addiction is addiction.
I would never laugh at you. The thing I know about addiction is that every addict has their thing. Some folks like booze, some like heroin, some have sex addiction, and others have video game addictions. The actual object of addiction is just a “flavor” in my mind. Now, some things are worse than others (heroin is more deadly than alcohol for example) but in the long run, if you don’t take care of your addiction I think it will kill you no matter what the flavor.
Thank you for sharing. It took guts to tell us and I’m glad you did. The more we can destigmatize addiction, the better.
top post. i too, appreciate your willingness to confess to a problem some might deem laughable but is very real. like tim says, addiction is addiction…and it’s my biggest fear, besides snakes and prison.
Doing what I do, I’ve long felt that substance abuse and addiction are occupational hazards. I’ve heard some who say, “it’s not that bad now”, or that, “drugs, sex and rock n roll was back in the seventies”.
This is so not true.
Yes, 2021 is different from 1991 or certainly 1971. But while it may not be the currency of entry into my world, “LIfe in the Fast Lane – EVERYTHIING, ALL the time”, as Don Henley sings, is very much alive and unwell.
I enjoy(ed) my alcohol and smoked a lot of very good pot in the day, but thankfully, I never lived that life.
I never swore I didn’t steal and sell my drummer’s kit for smack as my drummer swore to me about my 1969 Gibson Les Paul Custom with a sunburst finish, six Dimarzio humbucking pickups, and custom tremolo arm Or a bit later, my vintage Gretsch. And then attempt to do the same with an Ibanez before I was finally let go. “What’s the big deal?” he said at one point. You’re mostly a Fender guy, and I didn’t touch those!”
I never had to have my stomach pumped 2 hours before a huge arena gig, only to go out and do the same thing after the show and then plead my band members for bail money with the one phone call from the tank.
I never threatened my girl friend’s life for not selling her body to finance my habit because it had grown far too large to satisfy with regular tour money.
Nikki Sixx said famously, “Selling my soul would be a lot easier, if I could find it.”
All these stories are from the last ten years, and I’ve been doing this a long, long time. It’s also a major contributor to why I call my significant other Long-Suffering-Wife-of-1-Nil on here. Because that s$%t spills over into the nice, neat existence I know I can never really have as long as I play, perform, arrange and produce music for a living.
Addiction is a terrible disease. I’ve seen up close what it can do and what it has done. If you made to the end of this and you know you have a problem, please, please listen to good Tim’s suggest at the end of the post.
I’ve been complimented plenty over the years for what listeners compliment musicians for, if they enjoy what they hear. A big one was always about dedication. Oh, your dedication really paid off. Or, you must have been so dedicated/devoted to music.
I’m like anyone else – I bask in the praise and shrink from the criticism,
But honestly, for me, and a lot of people who do this, it’s really just another addiction in a way, or at least a compulsion/obsession.
See, I am equal to the other greats who play guitar in only one substantive way: Like Keith, like Eric, like Jimi, I am simply not capable of doing anything else, at least full time. If I had utterly failed at music, I’d still be doing music. Badly perhaps, but still doing it because it is impossible to stop. I am so fortunate that it gave me a life instead of stealing my life from me which it would have done.
This too is being Hooked.
Interesting. OCD? Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I think most people have it to some extent, particularly men. Is it the same as having an “addictive personality”? I think there is a line, albeit a thin one. The human subconscious will always steer towards something that gives it comfort and away from something that gives it stress. That’s what it is designed to do. I suppose the problem comes when that response gets completely out of control. The other thing, which might need saying, is that if there is a deeply felt problem at the back of your mind, which remains felt but unresolved, then you’re far more likely to go to extreme lengths to get your “comfort”, whichever way that might be. Is this an “illness”, or simply learnt behaviour?
Shame surrounds us and lurks within us; shame is the enemy. An addict sharing their story is a massive shame-killer, so kudos and gratitude to everyone who can do that.
+1
it is a constant quest of mine to be less shameful. i’ve always endeavored to share my flaws, especially with my kids. they know where all of the proverbial bodies are buried in my life. one of my best friends i grew up with was that way. he passed a few years ago.
i had another friend, actually up in tacoma where tim lives, who passed last month of brain cancer that i served with back in the late 90s. when talking about his life to old friends, the one thing that came to me is the fact that this man was unafraid to show you his scars. he’s told tons of funny stories about his life where he readily displayed his embarrassing moments and shortcomings. the beauty of it all was this was a super-smart and successful guy readily displaying his previous failings and humiliations. the world needs more people like him.
top post, 1nil. it’s good to highlight that not all addictions are necessarily bad. we just tend to categorize addiction as a bad thing as the corresponding behavior is typically self-destructive in nature. however, we seem to refer to more positive activities as “dedication” and “commitment”; or, as you referred to it, obsessive/compulsive.
i think cristiano ronaldo is an example of an obsessive/compulsive addict, if there is such a thing. his corresponding behavior seems to have alienated any barrier to his desire to be the best player he can be in a way similar to addicts alienating any barrier to gettting their fix. even though he’s a manchester guy, i’ve always been a fan of his…and always despised the haters that used to call him a 1-trick pony. messi is brilliant while cristiano is obsessed.
likewise, i remember conor mcgregor at the top of his game once saying, “i’m not talented, i’m obsessed”.
it dovetails nicely with mark’s question about addiction and obsessive-compulsive meaning the same. i know no one has answered and i’m certainly not suited to. they’re both mental although drug/alcohol addiction is about chemical dependency. they may affect the same parts of the brain. it’s an interesting question to ponder and i’m sure one of the academics that frequent this forum could provide a formal and more accurate answer.
okay, i think the difference between obsession and addiction is this:
obsession is typically rooted in fear where addiction is about the lack of a need being met.
disclaimer: this was a 3 minute google search.
Agree, Joshuad. Well said. Top athletes and top artists both have that OBCD attribute in common, I think. It can lead to great outcomes and a healthy, prosperous life in those who can manage both their compulsion and their gift. But these people are far from normal. CR7 is a freak in the same way as Yo Yo Ma or Stephen King.
hey boys, what did you think about mbappe’s goal the other day? i hate that rule. i don’t know why they changed it but it’s so stupid. i remember a few years ago, harry kane scored a goal, against liverpool because of the same law change.
the law used to say that if an attacking player is in an offsides position when the ball is played forward by a team mate and the player becomes involved in the play, he’s offsides. that always made sense to me, although others were somehow confused. now, the law says that a player in an offsides position can somehow be ruled onsides if a defender “plays the ball”, successful or not. someone please help me understand what’s the point of this change in the laws of the game? it seems to defeat the purpose of offsides even being in the laws of the game.
now, if a defending players has clear possession of the ball and somehow plays the ball backwards and the attacking player in an offsides position gets the ball, that’s completely different. even if a defender makes a tackle that goes to the attacking player, i’m okay with that. however, a defender attempting to clear the ball or make an interception after the ball was played forward by the attacking team should not be the same as the defender having possession of the ball.
i think this is the dumbest law in soccer. it defeats the purpose of the offsides rule. i was disgusted on sunday but no one mentioned it here. just wondering what were the thoughts of the community.
Fabulous post again Tim. Thanks for all you do. My wife would tell you I am addicted to football blogs and spend way to much time on my IPad. I quit blogging for a while after our blog master Yogi who ran ACLF tragically passed away but I could not stay away for long. Many years ago I was drinking a lot in college and getting sloppy drunk a lot more often then I wanted to admit. Fortunately I recognized that if I continued it would interfere with my life goals and was able to avoid going too far down a dangerous path. I pray for anyone who struggles with addiction and hope they find ways to get help.
There was a girl I used to hang out with/smoke up with who had a bit of a shady past. She never talked much about it, but there were a fair number of drugs as well as pain medication for a broken back. She was very intelligent, upper-middle class, whole life ahead of her. We’re not in touch anymore, but she’s doing alright. But at the time I had never been around any other drug than weed, had maybe one beer a month, etc. Clean as a whistle. And I’ll never forget when she told me that even though she hadn’t touched the hard stuff in years, it’s all she ever thought about. All the time, all she ever wanted to do was go back and do some more of whatever she was doing.
This will sound stupid, but it reminded me of Football Manager in my college years. I spend days at a time on that thing, hooked. My grades were affected, my social life. Maybe my health? And I put it down, eventually. And it’s been 12-15 years at least since I last played, and every time I see a screenshot or someone talking about it or a similar game all I want to do is download it and just play it again. It’s all I want to do.
So I don’t know much about addiction. These are probably my closest personal experiences outside of friends who smoke and the like. But it’s terrifying. And I can only sympathize with those who have real addictions, who suffer and maybe die from them. And if they’re the wrong color, or the wrong socio-demographic group, the wrong drug, all they get is shit from the media, from their neighbors, from people on Nextdoor, etc. How terrible.
Behaviours can become addictions as well as substances.
“Needs not met” is a good shorthand from Josh above. I’ve got a bunch of therapist friends who used exactly that phrase when I asked, as a throwaway question, what was wrong with everybody who walked in through their doors.
Part of my own “needs not met” issues involve displacing real-life conflict and stress that I can’t handle into safer, less exposed environments, like this forum and online in general.
That’s a roundabout way of apologising, especially to Shard, for my sporadic bouts of being a pompous asshole. If any of you see me being a pompous asshole by all means please pick me up on it and ask me directly what it is that I’m avoiding dealing with in real life.
“Sporadic?” they all laughed…