Hey extroverts, leave people the fuck alone

Thank you for yelling at me from half a block away. I guess you were trying to tell me how much you love my hat. I’m sorry that I couldn’t understand you at first because I was, frankly, lost in my own thoughts and not expecting to have a conversation with a stranger on his porch. I’m sorry that I had to yell “WHAT???” and make you yell back at me but I guess I was perplexed that a person would be yelling something at me at 7 in the morning. You know what would have made that interaction more comfortable for both of us? You not starting it.

Thank you for sharing your wife’s birthday with me, complete stranger. Typically we don’t share that kind of confidential information in public, much less in line at the Safeway while we are both buying ice-cream but hey, I guess you really needed to get that off your chest? I’m sorry that I stammered a bit and seemed uncomfortable, I guess I just didn’t expect to be handing out secondary birthday wishes to a stranger. I do hope you passed on my fond wishes for her continued good health. I’m sorry if that came out as “oh, that’s neat”. I was a little distracted by trying to escape the situation before you launched into more intimate details that I didn’t want to know.

Thank you for complimenting my dog, lady in a car three parking stalls down from me. I guess it was my fault for having the window down but I was trying to enjoy the last bit of summer air. I’m also sorry that I had to say “WHAT???” but I was listening to a podcast about the efficacy of face masks and they had just gotten to this good bit about which masks work best (N95) and how they work. Oh and thank you for making me pause that podcast so that you could tell me that your dogs are also very friendly. I was just sitting there thinking “PLEASE DON’T FUCKING TALK TO ME” and now I know that your dogs are just as friendly as mine. I’m really sorry that a car parked between us and cut you off when you were telling me about your dog’s medical conditions. But I guess it all worked out for you because you just started talking to the passenger in that car.

Thank you for talking to me about your daughter and how she has COVID, complete stranger in a parking lot. I know it was my fault for making eye contact with you but you looked a bit distressed and I was doing my part as a member of a functioning society to assess whether you needed help and whether I could provide that help. I guess you did need something, a conversation with a stranger, and I guess I provided it. I apologize, though, for trying to escape the entire time. I kept moving away, inching away, and that just made you reveal more details. I swear that you could tell by how I was fidgeting and looking away that I just wanted to get away from you. Telling me about how you were living in an RV and how the guy you were living with had promised to fix the interior up but then stole the RV and ran off was exactly the right level of uncomfortable that I couldn’t just walk away from. So, I just stood there until you exhausted your story and then said “Well, gosh, I hope things start going your way soon. I have a meeting I need to get to (it was 8am, so I knew you knew that was a lie) so I’m going to get going.” Thankfully you only had three more things to share over another 5 minutes and I was able to finally escape.

These are just four examples of weird interactions I’ve had with extroverts over the last 18 months. And look, I get it. You extroverts have been suffering over this pandemic. Some of you have been trapped with just your loved ones and it has been difficult to latch on to complete strangers since we all started social distancing and wearing masks.

But it’s about time that someone told you the truth: no one wants to talk to you. We never wanted to talk to a stranger before the pandemic and even less so now.

Oh, I can hear the extroverts out there right now, getting stomping mad about how I’m trying to “destroy the fabric of society” or some other sanctimonious crap. Give me a break. Now that things are opening back up if I want random social interactions there are a ton of ways to get that: I can go to a party, I can meet people for a date, I can work in the public sector, I can hang out at places where random social interactions take place (for example, bars). All of these are places where I, an introvert, can reasonably expect to have a random social interaction and where you, an extrovert, can tell me something deeply personal and embarrassing.

But walking down the street at 7 in the morning? No. You need to shut the fuck up. Buying a loaf of bread? Shut the fuck up. Getting gas at the gas station? SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

Us introverts are always told how we need to learn how to be more extroverted but we know how to do that already. Trust me, you extroverts want to talk to us all the time and we have to deal with it on a regular basis. But maybe instead of telling us introverts how to be more extroverted it’s time that someone taught you extroverts how to leave us alone? I feel like I have a right to just walk my dog and not learn about your colonoscopy or whatever.

So, here, out of a profound sense of civic duty, I’m going to make it really easy for you to know when it’s acceptable to accost random strangers. Ready?

Never.

If you feel the urge to talk to someone, stop it. Do not talk to them. Hold back. See if they start the conversation. If they don’t, then you don’t. It’s that simple.

And the thing is, chances are that they will be grateful. Because we can see when you’re about to talk to us. You all do this little shuffle and try to make eye contact and trust me, it raises our blood pressure.

So, next time you get that urge to talk to someone in a weird place, just don’t do it. Let us all have our moments of peace.

Qq

31 comments

  1. I was going to compliment you on another hilarious and touching article, but decided to shut the feck up instead.

  2. LOL… you tell ’em, Tim!
    P.S. What if they start talking to you about Arsenal/Arteta?

    1. TOTAL NIGHTMARE.

      The last thing I want to do is talk to a stranger about Arsenal (in person).

      1. Shoot. I am a fan and was secretly hoping to run into you in the future at an (my first) Arsenal game (now that the team finally seems to be on an up trend), or perhaps at a nearby pub before or after the game, which would really top off my very first Arsenal in person experience:

        1. I’m genuinely touched by the sentiment and I would be nice to you if we met. I should tell you a few things; one, I don’t drink and two, I don’t go to pubs/bars anymore.

          Sorry.

          1. Well, the chances of 2 Americans from the West Coast meeting at an Arsenal game without coordination ahead of time is very slim, so your preference for introversion is likely safe. Unless we are both on the same flight from JFK to LHR. So now be forewarned that if you wear an Arsenal jersey on that flight, you may see another random guy also wearing one running toward you at either airport.

  3. here’s the deal (coming from someone who knows you just a little, from what you have revealed here and elsewhere) but has never met you… I can swing between introverted, totally incapable of starting a conversation at parties, gatherings where i just want to leave… to wildly extroverted at moments…(and alcohol is not the determining factor between the two states!)… but this much i know… If i ever saw a dude that roughly looked like you, wearing that awesome Smoky the bear hat… walking that awesome cute dog you have… I would run over and squeeze the life out of you. Then i would pet your dog and hug your dog too. Sorry. Love you dude. – xxoo Dave (and P.S. *you* would not go to a bar and that is cool).

  4. Delightfully ironic, Tim. I shall remember to restrain myself in the future.

    Oh and GiantCalGunner, I know a guy who can write you a ‘script for that urge…he’ll fix fix you right up! 😉

  5. Tim needs to move to Sweden or Poland, he’d love it there since talking to strangers in public is not only frowned upon there but also probably illegal.

    My mother, who still lives in Poland but comes to US to visit quite often loves the fact she can talk to strangers here without getting the “stay away from me crazy lady “ looks she gets in Europe.
    Hope she never runs into Tim next time she visits.

  6. In tears. Wish I could have watched these interactions in person. Feels like a more polite but introverted Curb Your Enthusiasm. Although I can’t imagine anything you’d like less than a 7am Kickoff reality show!

  7. This old joke came to mind when I read your great article.

    What’s the difference between an introverted Finn and an extroverted one?

    The introvert looks at his shoes while he talks to you. The extrovert looks at your shoes.

  8. You say “no-one wants to talk to you” but that’s not really true. Some people enjoy it, some people despise it.

    Some people can enjoy a moment with a stranger.

    It’s important to be sensitive to whether the other person wants the chat you are offering. Are people expected to never speak to a stranger again? Or just to gauge whether it’s reciprocal.

    1. To answer you seriously, I would say that Extroverts should consider holding back more and Introverts should consider just telling people to leave them alone.

  9. The argument for “if they start the conversation, it’s ok” is circular.

    Nobody could start it if they felt it might be imothyt they are talking to.

    And if he himself starting talking to you, couldn’t he be committing this terrible sin he is advocating against?

  10. “I’m not freaking out. I’m turned on. I’m thinking about sniffing your bed pillows like a weirdo, contemplating if it’d be better for you to bend me over the island or the couch, and my ovaries are basically exploding—pew, pew, pew—like fireworks because you’re so good with Chunky that I can imagine you as the one of those dads who’d play tea party with your daughter. And all of that is making me hot and nervous . . . and . . . and . . . I should stop talking now.”
    ― Lauren Landish, Drop Dead Gorgeous

  11. One of the many reasons I hated living in the south was the likelihood that strangers would say HOWRE YOU DOING and expect an answer. Or that they would actually want to start a conversation.

    By the way, HOWRE YOU DOUNG is a uniquely American torture mechanism designed to root out introverts. The person asking doesn’t give a shiny nickel how you’re doing, and the person being asked would rather have a colonoscopy than tell you honestly. So basically you’re forcing me into lying to you which is profoundly uncomfortably because I hate lying. But Americans love when you anwmswer that hateful little question with GREAT and give a big toothy grin to go with it. Makes my skin crawl.

      1. It’s funny because sometimes I will just be straight up with people when they ask me how I’m doing “actually, I’m terrible” and they really hate that one!

        1. Yeah I’ve done that but then they act like you have leprosy. Sorry bud, you asked! And if you don’t want to know, don’t ask! Gah. You can’t win with that question unless you’re actually GREAT. And even then it’s a bullet dodged.

          1. What if we just turned to them and said “hey, man, I don’t have to disclose that, HIPAA”

    1. After 18 months of intense baking and sandwich making I’ve come to the conclusion that bread is insanely simple to make and that anyone can literally make up their own bread recipes with just a little knowledge.

  12. Those you describe aren’t necessarily extroverts. I’m an extrovert– I don’t want to hear their shirt either. More likely, blathering idiots for whom social media has popped the clutch on their vocal chords.

    Nice rant though.

  13. Pro Tip – Be more weird… unapproachable, and/or look irritated/menacing. Don’t be afraid to be more coarse, aggressive, aggregated, and a dick. Basically act like you’re from New Jersey. Problem solved!

    1. I’m pretty weird/eccentric but I’m not very gruff, maybe I should be more gruff? But I’m kind of small so I think people see me as not so threatening.

  14. 🤣😂🤣

    Nice one Tim, actually I don’t mind people talking to me out of the blue.

    I’m often mixing up the time of day when responding, saying good afternoon when it’s already evening, or good morning when it’s midday.

  15. ha! are you really an introvert or has being an arsenal fan simply made you an ornery old man? i think it may be the latter…coupled with your recent life choice to not drink anymore; a fantastic choice, i might add. ironically, when you stopped drinking, i started. imagine a lifestyle change to START drinking when you’re nearly 50-years old. who does that? i’m blaming it on arsenal. however, i don’t abuse alcohol, thanks to people who’ve shared their personal stories with me about depression and the potential for addiction…and the likely genetic predisposition for alcoholism inherited from my father. but i digress. this is a fun thread.

    for crying out loud, we’re all extroverts. we go onto a forum damn near every single day and participate in often heated debates online with a bunch of guys we’ve never even met and will likely never meet. what introvert does that?

    doc, i’m one of those guys from the south that will ask a total stranger “how you doin?'” in the deepest southern country-boy tone i can muster. and if you show in inkling of discomfort, i’ll continue to stare you into your eye, fully expecting a positive, honest reply. to do anything else would be rude ’round here. i’m happy as i’m not dead, in jail, or have cancer.

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