One Christmas in Blockbuster

“Die Hard 2? That’s not a new release! That doesn’t belong in the new release section. Come on.” He smiles at her but she’s ignoring him and scanning the titles on the shelves a few feet away. She’s always like this in Blockbuster: it’s easy because she knows what movies she likes and she’s just focused on finding a single type of movie. She picks up “Alice” and reads the back. Woody Allen films, she likes Woody Allen films. She picks the video up and carries it with her for the big debate at the end.

“Hey babe, Cool as Ice!” He’s smiling again, the film itself is a joke. The box has Vanilla Ice on the cover, standing next to his Ducati in some crazy colored pants. “I hear he jumps his motorcycle over a hedge!” She stops for a second and just shakes her head at him.

“They are out of Terminator 2,” he says, defeated “I already checked.”

“Did you ask him to look in the returns bin? I saw a lot of movies there that haven’t been checked in.”

“Yeah,” he replies. “I asked the guy to put a hold on it for us. So what are you thinking tonight?” His tone switched back to quite normal, serious. Like he’s standing in front of a mirror and putting on a tie.

“I’m still looking.” She says, not breaking her gaze from the wall. “I think we can only get two movies tonight. Unless YOU have a late fee. Then only one.”

Shit.. he thinks he might have a late fee. Fucking late fees. Why can’t he ever remember to just bring the movie back? The store is literally three blocks from the house. It’s closer than the bar.

Late fees means she gets to pick the movie and it’s going to suck. It’s going to be LA Story or some shit. She’s wanted to see that for a few months now and he’s been able to successfully navigate her away from that.

She picks up Edward Scissorhands.. oh no, he thinks, not that. How do I get her not to pick that?

He devises a devious plan, stop making jokes, stay close to her, and find a movie that they will both like. He skips past movies he would normally love: Predator 2, Die Hard 2, Gremlins 2, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, Naked Gun 2 1/2, Young Guns 2, F/X 2, Child’s Play 2, Ok, yes, everything is a sequel. It’s December 1991 and the world has run out of good ideas. Trust me here, I’m the narrator, I’m from the future, there won’t be anymore good ideas ever again, everything will be recycled, renamed, rebooted and rebranded from here on out. Think about how many Jurassic Park films there are and how they are basically the exact same story. See? Everything, recycled.

Oh, except Darkman. That’s the last original movie idea that hasn’t gotten a reboot (yet).

He grabs Home Alone. Christmas movie, comedy, perfect. Ohh.. and Arachnophobia. He heard that was good. Silence of the Lambs has a stupid title but she likes crime films. He thinks it might work.

All of this seriousness is putting a damper on his mood. He doesn’t go to Blockbuster just to rent movies. He likes to look at every title and wants to make jokes about all the movies. The trip to Blockbuster is part of the entertainment experience. Sure, you pay $4 to rent a movie but he gets about $10 worth of entertainment just by making jokes like “Hey babe, Ernest Goes to Camp, the reviews are in: eweeewwwww”.

They finish scanning the “new” releases and now it’s time to debate which movies they are going to rent. She has Edward Scissorhands, LA Story, and Alice. He has Home Alone, Silence of the Lambs and some weird movie with Bill Murray, What About Bob.

She opens the bidding with “I think I want to watch Edward Scissorhands. Last time you said we would watch it the next time.” Damnit, that’s like moving the Queen to put him in check. She’s so much better at this than he is. Plus she remembers all of his dumb promises. His only counter available is to offer a serious one from his picks. “What about Silence of the Lambs? It’s about a detective trying to find a serial killer. I heard it was good.”

The line is moving forward. They are almost at the counter now. “Ok,” she says “but only if we don’t have a late fee.”

DAMNIT! He doesn’t want to watch this fucking movie! That was supposed to be his counter offer. How is it that she’s so much better at this than him? It’s like watching a chess grandmaster play against a guy who doesn’t even understand basic checkers strategy (don’t move your pieces off the back line, dummy).

Ok, but there’s still a hope left. The guy at the counter. Yes, he will be an asshole to us BUT he can be used to block really shitty picks. He’s the Knight: he can jump pieces. They get to the counter and he asks “which would you pick between Silence of the Lambs and Edward Scissorhands?”

“Card please.” He scans the card. This teenager holds all the power in his hands. He can make or break this man’s weekend.

“You haven’t seen Silence of the Lambs?” He looks at our video rental history “I guess not. You were too busy watching classics like Hudson Hawk and Kindergarten Cop, I see.” She laughs a bit. “Dude, it’s probably the best film of the year. Other than Goodfellas. Edward Scissorhands is OK, I guess.” He’s doing the video store equivalent of flirting with her. We both know he hates it.

But yes, in a surprise move, the White Knight has put the man’s wife in check and it looks settled that he won’t have to suffer through some Johnny Depp film about a brooding teen or whatever.

“Oh hey,” he asks the counter kid as she gets ready to put back her movies “do we have any late fees?”

“Nope.”

She turns around and puts Edward Scissorhands on the counter.

Check-mate.

And that’s how he watched both Edward Scissorhands and Silence of the Lambs on one weekend in December 1991. Hey, you know what? They weren’t bad films and his wife got to openly crush on Depp. And the next time they went to the video store, the man got to pick up a cheesy Zombie film, turn to his wife and say, “I ate his liver with a nice Chianti” and that made him happy too.

Qq

14 comments

  1. cute and nostalgic at the same time.

    btw, i still haven’t seen past the first half-hour of silence of the lambs…excellent video rental when you really didn’t want to watch a movie but don’t want to reveal what you want to do without looking like a sex-crazed lunatic…which i most certainly was at 19.

    likewise, i totally agree that the trip to blockbuster was an experience in itself. luckily, i got to take my kids there to experience that before they shut it down about 8-years ago here…lucky us. they both still remember going to blockbuster.

  2. Hi Tim, nice one! For a moment I was back in a video store! I remember the lights, plastic boxes, flicking through titles, having massive arguments over movies and the bartering.

  3. Ah, the memories. I had a girlfriend in the 90’s who loved watching movies so we were in Blockbuster a lot. Fortunately, we mostly had the same taste, so there wasn’t as much bargaining as you’d expect. Also, Tim, I assume this is autobiographical…you had a wife in 1991? Weren’t you, like, 18 then???

    1. Not entirely autobiographical: it’s not a real story that happened. But I was married in 1991, I was 21, and a lot of the stuff comes from memories of going to Blockbuster. My wife wasn’t like that, though she did REALLY like Johnny Depp and Edward Scissorhands.

      Avie and I were watching The Lost World (Jurassic Park 2) and there was a Blockbuster scene at the end of the film and I told her about how it was to go to Blockbuster and pick out movies. I’m trying to write more non-Arsenal stuff. Was going to do a short story based on an idea I had for some end of the world stuff. Nothing negative, just sort of what I would do if I was the “last man alive.” You will forgive me in advance, please.

      1. Keep it coming, man. I love your non-Arsenal stuff. I mean, some only come here for Arsenal I guess, but it’s your blog. Do what you want! You can get away with it, too, because you’re such a good writer regardless of the topic. Short stories, opinion pieces, book reviews, etc., whatever your interest, if you have the time to share them with this little community, I certainly appreciate it, even when in disagreement. Maybe especially in disagreement? Lol

  4. I think probably all of us of a certain age have fond memories of going to the video store. In some ways it was a better experience than browsing on Prime or Netflix. Not just because of the physical aspect, but because the AI recommendation algorithms tend to mostly reinforce existing preferences. There’s no equivalent of noticing the copy of Throne of Blood because of the title, wondering what it is about, and then being led into the rest of Kurosawa.
    Bookstores are a similar experience for me. I can spend hours browsing, and will always buy one or two things to try to help keep them in business. It would be a very sad day for me if they went away.

    Side note…the last Blockbuster in the world is in of all random places, Bend, Oregon. It’s been on my list of things to do to go there on a vacation.

    1. “…because the AI recommendation algorithms tend to mostly reinforce existing preferences. There’s no equivalent of noticing the copy of Throne of Blood because of the title, wondering what it is about, and then being led into the rest of Kurosawa. Bookstores are a similar experience for me.”

      Such a good point.

      Also, I love Kurosawa! I still think the best Shakespeare film adaptation of all time is his “Ran.” You need a good attention span, though. The average shot length is like three minutes! It’s worth it, though. Such beautiful and haunting imagery there.

      1. So many good Kurosawa movies. And yes, Ran is definitely up there, both in terms of Kurosawa and Shakespeare adaptations. Can’t post images here, but otherwise I’d post a picture of the Japanese version movie poster for Ran that I have in my little home theater area.
        A lesser known one, but really good if you’re into exploration and outdoors is Dersu Uzala.

    2. This is a real strategy we teach people in Libraries: go to this section and browse the collection.

  5. Toshiro Mifune, Kurosawa’s great leading man, was brilliant to watch. Yojimbo is a triumph as the samurai Sanjuro and his turn as the the Japanese McBeth in Throne of Blood is still with me though it’s been probably 15 years since I’ve seen. Yes, it was a video rental.

  6. Afternoon chaps from across the pond. Last year i was in a bad place but your words of comfort got me through and even though this yr was tougher i am somehow still here. Tim re your brilliant writing inspired me to write a short story that id like to share if you don’t mind and I’d like anyone to comment good or bad. See if you can guess who or what the character is. ‘Derek didn’t know who or what he was. He didn’t know where he was. All he knew wherever it was it was very dark and cramped. He knew there were others of his kind with him.The only thing Derek looked forward to was, at least 10 times a day his prison roof would open breathing beautiful bright light into his cell and one of his inmates would be removed never to be seen again. He didn’t know where they were taken but imagined it must be somewhere beautiful. He lived his time in this condensed place hoping and praying that one day it would be he feeling the bright light on his body. Eventually the day arrived. The roof was opend and Derek felt himself being taken out of the darkness. He was overjoyed with happiness but almost immediately he felt his head scraping against something very rough. Instantly his world became a blur. A searing pain coupled with abject fear engulfed him, his head felt like it was on fire then, almost immediately, he heard a single sound, something like phhewww. Darkness descended and Derek was no more. Thank you for reading and no I won’t be giving up the day job.🤣🤣

    1. Hey lets get together online and do it..unless your referring to Tim n blockbuster in which case ignore this post lol

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