It’s funny when I see the phrase “this hellsite” over on twitter. Or people saying how much Facebook sucks, on Facebook. Or people watching an Arsenal match and saying that it’s hell watching an Arsenal match. It’s one thing to complain about something that you love once in a while, but when complaining becomes the default state, I do wonder if people just need a gentle reminder that you don’t have to do these things if they are making you unhappy.
Watching Arsenal isn’t a job (for you, probably); Twitting isn’t a job (probably); and if your job involves using Facebook, well, my heart goes out to you and I really hope you find another job soon. The point here is that for most of us, using these things are choices we make. And if the choices that you make are making you unhappy, make different choices!
That probably sounds pretty “twee” and I know that there will be some of you who will say “it’s not that simple” and I understand. But for those of you who are ready to give these things a break, I’m here for you. Just try it: if it’s making you angry and frustrated, just stop doing it for a bit. Pick up a new hobby, take the dog for a walk instead, read, watch bad TV, talk to your wife, make a list of projects you want to do around the house and set yourself to do them, get a putter and go learn how to putt (it’s virtually free!), or if all else fails find a new sport to watch on the bube tube!
The world is full of frustrations right now. There is so much going on and everything is wildly out of your control. But your attention, what you choose to give your attention to, is within your control. You don’t need to add more frustration, violence, distraction, anger, and other negatives into your life through your social media interactions or your sports choices. If it’s not serving you, cut it out.
John Mulaney checked himself into rehab the other day and I know this feels like a weird segue but stand by! John Mulaney is a stand-up, writer, actor, and all around very funny guy. He has a bit on his first album about how when he was a teenager he had a drinking problem – he would blackout drink every night and I love the way he puts it “for those of you who don’t know what that is, that’s where your brain goes to sleep but your body gets all “eye of the tiger” and soldiers on.”
Mulaney had been clean for a long time, at least 11 years, probably longer. Mulaney is wildly successful, he’s a hilarious guy, he’s married to a talented woman, he has friends and family who love him, and by almost every measure he should be happy. And he should also know better than to mess around with his addictions. But apparently, he’d been doing what addicts all over the world do; using cocaine and alcohol in secret.
Although, I will say here that the only people addicts are fooling are themselves. Everyone close to John almost certainly knew what was going on.
The good news is that he didn’t just keep drinking and using, and instead checked himself into rehab. In my mind he literally gave everyone, and I include himself on that list, the best Christmas gift he could possibly give: another chance at sobriety. Now that the lying is done, now that it’s out in the open and folks no longer have to fear shame, the relief everyone shares right now is like opening the perfect present.
And I want to say one thing about that shame. If you’re struggling with addiction it’s often the case that you don’t want to admit that your using because you fear shame. This is especially true with addicts who have fallen off the wagon. And family and friends will often not want to believe the addict is as bad off as they really are, or they will minimize and deflect, because they too fear being shamed. But there’s no humiliation in admitting you are an alcoholic and getting help. It’s the opposite, it’s actually quite beautiful.
Raymond Carver wrote the perfect summation of sobriety. He’d been sober for 10 years and was suddenly diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer and given a few months to live. Many folks would have felt cheated at that moment. But Raymond Carver wrote a poem called Gravy instead:
No other word will do. For that’s what it was.
Gravy.
Gravy, these past ten years.
Alive, sober, working, loving, and
being loved by a good woman. Eleven years
ago he was told he had six months to live
at the rate he was going. And he was going
nowhere but down. So he changed his ways
somehow. He quit drinking! And the rest?
After that it was all gravy, every minute
of it, up to and including when he was told about,
well, some things that were breaking down and
building up inside his head. “Don’t weep for me,”
he said to his friends. “I’m a lucky man.
I’ve had ten years longer than I or anyone
expected. Pure Gravy. And don’t forget it.
If you’re doing something which is driving you crazy or you’re using drugs or alcohol and want to stop, don’t wait. Don’t set January 1st as the target date. Give yourself and your loved ones a present right now. Reach for that gravy.
SAMHSA National Helpline
Confidential free help, from public health agencies, to find substance use treatment and information.
1-800-662-4357
Brilliant.
Lashings of gravy all round.
And for Gooners, here’s to 21’s batch having less lumps!
Great post, Tim. Coming from a family of addicts, I’ve always appreciated you writing of your struggles. The holidays are rough for many, and especially those with addictions, be they booze, drugs, gambling, sex, violence, food, whatever. May they all find the strength to ask for help.
I loved reading this. Teared up, even, and I wouldn’t consider myself someone with an addiction worth quitting. Thank you, Tim.
Lovely and inspiring Tim. Thanks for the holiday boost everyone needs. Wishing you and your daughter a great holiday and a happy 2021!
Great post and one which I’m going to share with some of the people in my business. In my line, it’s almost a given that addiction and/or substance abuse are part of the life. I doesn’t have to be for everyone. I was able to avoid addiction. As for substance abuse, well let’s say I’ve tried just about anything that didn’t involve snorting or a needle.
I’m extremely lucky. A combination of genes and Long-Suffering-Wife-of-1Nil who has stood by me through thick or thin. And she’s seen some weird scenes inside the gold mine, believer me.
I’ve seen addiction up close and personal. I’ve seen first hand its fatal effects and my heart goes out to anyone caught in that struggle. Here’s to gravy, better times and always, the company of good music.
Stay safe and be well, one and all.
“Now that the lying is done, now that it’s out in the open and folks no longer have to fear shame, the relief everyone shares right now is like opening the perfect present.
And I want to say one thing about that shame. If you’re struggling with addiction it’s often the case that you don’t want to admit that your using because you fear shame. This is especially true with addicts who have fallen off the wagon. And family and friends will often not want to believe the addict is as bad off as they really are, or they will minimize and deflect, because they too fear being shamed. But there’s no humiliation in admitting you are an alcoholic and getting help. It’s the opposite, it’s actually quite beautiful”.
I don’t know what else anyone can add to that.
There are lots of lower level habits to which that also applies. I don’t mean to minimise addictions. I just find those word relevant, deep and meaningful when it comes to other other things which we do, that we shouldn’t. My other half and me had a debit and credit, lay it all out session. We thought it’s take an hour and a half… it went on for five. The takeaway, relative to what you said, is admitting to yourself, the bad things about yourself. It is liberating, and step towards you being a better man. Again, I cant speak to addictions and I dont mean by my own example to trivialise them. But is one of the important things you dont fully grasp about addictions is how hard they are on other people?
My wife and I did the same thing Claude, and it also went on for five hours.
Four hours and fifty nine minutes to go over my shortcomings, and one minute with water breaks included on hers.
lol. sounds fair 🙂
Merry Christmas, Tom.
Hey guys, I hope all of you are well and doing like Tim suggests which is to know when to check out of Arsenal and see the world outside of all the anger. Take the time out to appreciate the little things out there, especially family. It is easy to stop appreciating the little things that people do for us because it becomes normal after a while. It’s only after stepping back a bit that you see how amazing some people are to you.
I usually have a braai on Christmas for my family when they come over, but since I am unable to stand for a sustained period of time, I was thinking of making a Mutton Potjie, serving it into some take-away containers (Bio-degradeable of course, right Tim?!). I am going to do a family drive through for everyone since we are experiencing a second wave of COVID.
A farmer friend of mine just gave me a whole sheep’s leg. It’s really big and the meat looks amazing. I do have to clean it again, then chop it up into bite size pieces for the meat to cook faster, because bigger pieces take longer in the pot. I may decide to cut off any fat on it, or maybe I will just braai the fat off by browning the meat in a pan with some butter before it goes in the potjie.
I am thinking of only using a few vegetables as well, I want to make potato wedges instead of mixing them into the potjie. Along with the wedges, I am going to make roasted sweet potatoes, along with seven colours. Seven colours is a South African term used to define various colourful salads that are eaten on Sundays with rice and usually grilled meat. I will have cream spinach, coleslaw, morogo (called African spinach in English), beet and red onion salad, spicy chakalaka (don’t ask), and some pumpkin. Thinking about adding some sweet corn from the garden.
I was thinking of making rice and also sweet dombolo rounds (steam bread) to go with the potjie. And as a little treat, some brownies coated with vanilla icing and frozen yoghurt for desert.
I was also planning on starting an Ice-tea business this year before COVID and I still have the bottles and packaging, I will give every family two 1 litre bottles. I was thinking of a cranberry, apple and cinnamon rooibos tea for the first, and maybe a simple mango and peach rooibos tea too.
Sounds like a lot, but it’s worth it to see everyone smile and the kids will be extra happy and excited to have a drive through at my place. My partner will be happy to sit out cooking this year……. Until she sees the dishes I make.
Enjoy your holidays guys.
That all sounds yummy (even the Chakalaka) and you are a true treasure for putting all that work out there for your family and community.
Stay safe Devlin!
Are you serously cooking all this stuff??? This sounds like hours and hours of work, but super delicious. Love your sense of hospitality, my man, and your post was a joy to read.
Thank you for this Tim, for opening a window. I’m not an addict but I made a decision to reject shame. It destroys people unnecessarily.
Shout out to those living with grief this time of year as well. Joy and love and friendship didn’t leave, they are still here and I hope still accessible to you.
Hey Tim my post of yest not worthy of a post? Hey ho merry Christmas to you all
Tony,
There was a comment in the pending queue this morning but it was from someone else. Sorry that you didn’t get your comment published but I can assure you it wasn’t intentional on my part.
Ahh thank you for taking the time to reply..all I said was thank you for your brilliant posts. You are an inspiration and it is a joy to read and engage. To you, your beautiful daughter Evie and to all my fellow brethren from this wonderful site i truly wish you all a very happy Christmas and may 2021 see us all with renewed hope, health and happiness. Merry Christmas one and all xx
thanks for the words, tim. i read about john mulvaney the other day. i have no idea what addiction or real substance abuse feels like and i thank the good lord for that. however, i do understand that to fear shame often makes one feel isolated.
it’s inspiring to see people who aren’t afraid to show off their scars. scars are beautiful. it’s proof of survival. it’s just called life. i lost one of my best friends a few years ago and when i was going through a tough time, he always made time for me and always “showed me his scars” to let me know it was okay to have struggles and to not be embarrassed by them. everyone struggles. everyone has scars. i thank God that i knew that man well for so many years; he was more than my friend but my brother. his passing let me know that life is too short for something like fear shame. gravy, indeed.
thanks, tim. blessings to all. i’ll find time for my babies today and resume my struggle with our beloved club on saturday.
“You’ve got to work with your mistakes until they look intended”
Raymond Carver – Cathedral
A musing on the denial of addiction? Or a quote from Arteta’s next press conference?!
I didn’t remember that line from the story…is that Robert talking to the speaker about the latter’s drawing? It’s a cool line, and in one of my favorite short stories of all time.
Great post Tim. Merrry Christmas to everyone and to all of your families.
Thanks, Bill. Same to you.
Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all the 7am tribe, and thanks again to Tim for making this happen. You have a gift that you share with us, and some of it is really inspirational. Thank you.
Anything can happen in any game but it would definitely be a surprise if this group of starting players finds a way to score a goal.
Who would have thought that playing young, hungry players would make a positive difference!
Well done Saka, Martinelli and Smith Rowe. Tierney is a beast today on the left. It’s been a while the team put an effort and played attractive football. Is it just a dream?
Fingers crossed for the second half. 🙂
All the best to all of you, it’s been a pleasure to read Tim’s blog and fantastic comments.
Wow i was wrong about that one. I didn’t see that coming.
Imagine that. Three players “not named Auba” scored 🙂
Yes. Because at some point players score.
Meanwhile, the Sunday Telegraph reports:Exclusive: “Arsenal squad split over Mesut Ozil return as senior group of players back German’s reinstatement.”Well there’s a surprise. I couldn’t see that coming.
Tim.
anything can and occasionally will happen in a game like yesterday and we might hit a short run of good form with a squad like the one we had out there yesterday. However, over the course of a 38 game season those things even out and we are not going to get a penalty kick very often and Xhaka and saka are not going to carry us with their goal scoring. The difficulty we had scoring goals during the previous 14 games will not go away and we still need Auba back in form if we hope to have any success this season
Wow. Such a pleasant surprise. I have forgotten how it feels to win a game in Premier League with style, ambition, going well forward. Looking at line-ups I was scared of Elneny-Xhaka duo, but Granit did his job today, not only with a world class free kick!
A few players played a wonderful game tonight – Saka, Martinelli, Smith Rowe, Holding and Tierney (wow, love him). Leno made an impact as well when a nervous minutes gloomed over the Emirates after penalty was conceded.
A great christmas present from the team. More of this line-up please.
The youngsters made all the difference. Saka, Martinelli and Smith-Rowe were outstanding. Movement, movement, movement. Want to see if a player is any good? Watch what they do when they haven’t got the ball. Fundamental.
Good win guys, you all deserved something for the effort and pressing. Our team’s best players and strengths were underutilized, namely pulisic and Odoi playing between the lines. I tend to disagree with how Lampard employs his wingers.
And honestly, you just have to laugh when a goal like Saka’s gets scored. He’s a good one, try and keep him.
Chelsea were disappointing, I thought. I think if I had been Lampard, I’d have played Giroud and thrown crosses at him. Arsenal were quite good in the air, by their standards, but always likely to concede that way.
What do you know…playing the younger attackers actually works! Hopefully this relegates Willian to the bench for a long time. I will admit I was more than a little worried after that early yellow to Mari, but he managed well after that.
Need to get Chambers on the bench. Without Luiz or Gabriel, I’d rather see him as a backup than Mustafi.
Claude.
😊. I certainly didn’t a 3 goal outburst coming. I as surprised as you are.
Thanks for being such good sport about this.
Bill my friend, this is the beauty of sport. Im simply going to enjoy this win.
Awesome game. Great to get a win. Perhaps it’s the start of a good run of form which can hopefully take us up the table. Our league season is probably going to be a struggle to get back to the top 8 but there is still a lot to play for. Cup football is different then league football. It’s unlikely we will face any teams in the Europa league as good as the ones we beat in the FA cup run last season. We could end up with a deep run in the Europa league and with a good run of form and a bit of luck we could potentially win and end up finding a back door into the champions league.
We can but hope. What Arteta must not do is revert to type and next game put all the usual suspects back in the side. They have let him down time and time again. The sort of players who get managers the sack.