The Sirens of Titan

by imothyt

“Son, they say there isn’t any royalty in this country, but do you want me to tell you how to be king of the United States of America? Just fall through the hole in a privy and come out smelling like a rose.” – Noel Constant

A few weeks ago I went looking for Christmas presents. I wanted a very specific type of notebook with Kraft paper in it. That’s the brown paper that’s made from wood fibers. You can get one with a Kraft paper cover but to get the actual pages made from Kraft paper is quite elusive.

The reason I want one is that I have one. I got it in 2006 when I flew to London for the first time and saw Arsenal at Highbury. It is a notebook made by a company called “Paperchase” and I bought it when I arrived in London, to keep notes in.

The Paperchase web site has a number of options to choose from. So I selected one which was four Quid, added to the cart and.. they don’t ship to the USA. In fact, they don’t ship outside of the UK right now. I asked them why on twitter and they said it’s a technical problem. I don’t know what they mean by that.

I asked folks on twitter if they wouldn’t mind buying me some notebooks and shipping them. One follower said sure. He picked the notebooks up, packaged them, and shipped them to me. I knew full well this would be expensive – shipping from the UK is very pricey and after shipping and whatnot they cost me about $10 each – but I paid him and thanked him.

On Monday, I was sitting on the couch when I heard the mailman knock on the door. I looked out and he’d walked away. I checked the stoop (looking out my window) and the area between the screen door and my front door and didn’t see a package. So, I drew the blankets back up over my legs and went back to watching TV and working.

A few minutes later I saw a woman’s head out my window. She stooped over and it looked like she put something on my porch. It caused me pause while I thought about what she could possibly be doing. Then I noticed she skulked off my porch and I realized she was stealing my package! I jumped up as fast as I could and ran to the door, just in time to see her get in her minivan. I yelled out, impotently “I’m calling the cops!” I might even have shook my fist at her. But she was gone.

I spent all that time and money. The guy in London spent his own time and money! Someone in the Royal Mail transferred that package to a plane, flown by humans, serviced by humans, which landed somewhere here in the USA and transferred that package to the USPS, which moved it across the USA to my Carrier’s hands, who walked it up to my porch. And the Dread Pirate Paula walked off with it.

Paula had to be hoping it was something good! A cell phone maybe. An expensive Christmas Present. And this was a daring theft as well. She had to come up my steps, in broad daylight, with my TV on, and just feet away from me swipe my package!

And what did Paula think when she opened the package? I imagine her disappointment. From the thrill of getting away with stealing something while I yelled at her to opening the package and seeing… 10 little brown notebooks. She can’t sell them. She could, I suppose, give them to her family members as Christmas presents. But I actually imagined her just throwing the whole box out the window of her car when she saw how worthless they were to her. I even checked the neighborhood for the box, just in case she did just that.

It’s funny because I had just finished Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut. This was a book given to me many years ago by a reader here who said that it was his favorite book. And I can see why: because it deals with the very absurdity I just described.

The main character is Winston Niles Rumfoord (or it could be a guy named UNK) and he was the kind of man who, like me, thought he was in control. A rich man. A man of exploration. A man who was going places, all the places, all the time.

Rumfoord built himself a massive fortune. Then Rumfoord built a spaceship. And then Winston Niles Rumfoord crashed into a chrono-synclastic infundibulum and became a spiral living across time and space from here to Betelgeuse.

Rumfoord used his newly profound state to manipulate humanity. He built a military fleet on Mars – soldiers controlled by antennae in their heads – to attack Earth (and intentionally fail miserably). That’s where we meet UNK. In the aftermath, he founded a religion based entirely off the concept that God doesn’t care – The Church of God the Utterly Indifferent.

Rumfoord also controlled UNK. First on Mars, then on Mercury, then back on Earth, and finally on Titan.

And throughout all of this, he thought he was in control. He’s a control freak, in fact, detailing who and when people can even sell tchotchkes outside his religious festivals. But he was not in control, he was being manipulated by something far greater than him, the Universal Will to Become. Or just some robots wielding the UWTB, I don’t know if it actually matters.

There’s an absurd purposelessness to this novel because there’s an absurd purposelessness to life. Rumfoord realizes all this far too late. He who thought he was in control of everything, who thought he knew everything, who thought he could see the future, he had who had preached that we are all the victims of a series of accidents was actually being manipulated.

For what end? Perhaps you should read the book.

“I was the victim of a series of accidents. As are we all.” Rumfoord’s religion, the Church of God the Indifferent preaches that God doesn’t care. That there is no divine plan. That the worst thing in the world to utter is “Somebody up there likes you.” Rumfoord, a bitter man because of his condition and his utter lack of control over himself, wanted the entire universe to be pointless, accidental. But in the end, it isn’t.

UNK discovers the point himself, just before he dies of old age. “…a purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.”

And so, I will get some other gifts for my daughter and friends. Perhaps they won’t be as special as brown notebooks from London. But who knows what those notebooks will go on to do now that they have a life of their own? Maybe aliens from Tralfamadore needed those notebooks to be stolen, to land in that woman’s life. So that she could give them to her daughter who will keep her notes in them. Maybe she will go on to be a great novelist? Or maybe not. Maybe they just got tossed in the wastebin.

Qq

44 comments

  1. Darn. I hope that Paula returns the package. Disappointed porch thieves have done that before, but I fear that she’s more likely to repurpose it to give to someone as a Christmas present.

    I wish I had a useful suggestion to offer you for monetising this blog, but it is just getting better. Posts like this remind us that life is far more than just about a particular passion, such as our shared passion for Arsenal FC. We, the regulars, are lucky to have this. I know that I can be excessively contrarian, but I truly value 7am. Some of the folks here feel to me as if they are old, old friends, and we are arguing football down at the local. So hey, strong opinions and disagreements come with the territory.

    I’m probably not the first here to want you write a book. Yeah, that’s easier said than done I know. My “book” has sat in a draft Word doc on my desktop for 7 years.

    Enjoy your Thanksgiving. Look, my mom in NY is getting on in age, and I planned last year to fly up there and spend some time with her. But at this time, a visit from me would literally be toxic.

  2. Since we are telling stories, let me try. (Excuse the language, I am using this blog to improve on my English. Written and spoken.)

    I fortnight ago I raptured my Achilles tendon. I had no pain whatsoever, just uncertainty. Probably from a lack of knowledge on medical conditions. I received a lot of love on this blog and some phone calls from family and colleagues. One phone call in particular stood out. This was a phone call from a coach that I worked under for a couple of months in 2018. The call was short and sweet, but he reminded me that I had been around a player who had raptured his Achilles before, and was still playing today. This conversation gave me hope, because I had been down after it happened.

    I tried my best to ignore Arsenal and Arsenal related topics. I didnt need anymore negativity during my recovery, especially as my other leg developed some swelling beneath the knee. Things just seemed to be getting worse, and Arsenal are no longer a club that can put a smile on your face, even if they win.

    So I put my focus on the team that I worked at in 2018. The team was a second division side, which was bought and renamed by a millionaire agent in May 2018. He brought in a coach that I had known for many years, and I was one of the people he wanted to put down a style of play for the side. I was hired as an assistant, but at the time I did more of developing a style of play, the tactics and set pieces. We were few on the technical team and since I was given a short term contract, it was just a fun experiment for me with a professional club.

    We were starting from scratch. We had no players, so we held trials during the off season. I spent about a month coming up with our defensive shape, build-up, transitions going both ways, pressing triggers, defending and attacking set pieces, and so many other things. I think I still have the file somewhere in my external hard-drive. It was a lot, and I was almost like a man possesed. Here I am, putting down the way that a professional team would be playing, it was a feeling I can’t describe. A feeling that I know Mikel Arteta experienced when he first took over. This was not FIFA or junior sides (which I coach a lot). No, this was the real thing.

    I was focused on each and every detail, I was constantly thinking of what should be done in any scenario that came to mind. I didn’t notice, but I was trying to play the game through this team. I was trying to live through these players and control all their actions. My tactical report was about 45 to 50 pages. When I submitted it to the coach, he couldn’t stop laughing. I asked him why he was laughing and all he said back to me was that, “I am not surprised by the size of this report. I knew you would bring me a lot to work with and that’s why I wanted you in my technical team”. I didn’t get it. That was not funny, at least not for him to laugh so much. But I took the compliment and left.

    We spent about three weeks holding trials. My report was very detailed and I got a huge say into the players that we signed. The coach though had the final say, and boy did he show it. I had about 12 of the players I chose signed, but he turned down so many others and took players that I thought were not fit to play my football (arrogant, I know). We had squad of 33 players. Our plan was to have 11 professional players with experience in the top league, we only got 4. But we were lucky enough to keep some of our top players from the previous season in the division that we were playing in, 7 to be precise. The second 11 had to be u/23 to abide by the leagues regulations. Every team should have at least 4 u/23 players at every minute of the game. The final 11 players were u/20 players.

    When pre-season was set to begin, the coach called me into his office for a talk. He told me that I wouldn’t be part of pre-season training. This baffled me, it was insane to leave the person who created the vision of the team’s play out of pre-season. He told me that since I had a 6 month contract, I could just lay back and get paid, he would do everything from there on. I told him that I had sessions planned out to get what I planned out of the players, but he looked at me and smiled. He handed me a card and said ” Take this team card, it has R25 000, go and take your family on vacation, you worked hard enough already”. I was shocked, at the money and what he said. He left the room, but I just sat there, thinking to myself. Did I do anything wrong?

    That night I decided to send him an email, asking him if I did something wrong and why he was doing this to me. He replied and his email said ” I love discussing football with you. You have so many ideas running around in that head of yours and I needed a bit of that for this team. But football isn’t all about tactics and formations, it isn’t solely about stats. Think about your love for Arsenal and Wengerball, where does that love stem from? You are excellent at what I have asked you to do, that’s why I laughed at the report. It was exactly what I expected, to the tee. But here is the thing, YOU ARE NOT A COACH. It’s not to say that you will never be one, but you are to possessive of your vision that you will suck the air out of everyone you. To be a coach is to know that you are not in control. You can only give these players the tools to play how you want them to play, but you can’t play for them. Once you are able to let go, you will be ready to coach.”

    I didn’t know how to respond. I decided to take the holiday and come back to watch the first game of the season. Mind you, my report only had the plans, not the sessionsand drills. When I came back from my little vacation (Kruger National Park), I decided to visit the training grounds and see how things were going. When I arrived, ALL the players were happy to see me. It was wierd to be greeted with so many smiles, especially by players that I didn’t think suited my style of play. I decided to speak to a few of them to ask what they had been doing and he told me that they were putting my plans into action, and how fun it was for everyone. I was surprised and a bit intrigued, I do have plans a a style, but they had no sessions or drills from me. Had he just been telling them what to do? I asked a player and he told me that there had only been a few meetings to speak about tactics, they had spent more time on the field having fun. FUN? I was a bit mad, but also disappointed. I finally had a chance to watch a team play my vision of football and they were playing around.

    A week later the first game of the season was to be played. Before the game, the squad and technical team was announced, but I was never mentioned. I didn’t mind, it was just an experience for me. Nonetheless I showed up at the game and sat in the director’s booth (My first time ever). What I witnessed that day will stay with me forever and has given me a view of football that I had not even thought about.

    THE TEAM WAS PLAYING MY FOOTBALL, BUT BETTER.

    I watched in awe and I won’t lie, I almost cried. I was humbled. They were attacking how I wanted, but when they faced a barrier that wasn’t in my tactics, they had the ability and inteligence to recycle and start over, or improvise and overcome. I was seeing things in that game that had never occurred to me when I was coming up with the tactics. The most humbling thing of all was that the whole starting eleven was made up of players I didn’t think we’re fit for my football.

    That side went on to play with my tactics, but in mid season, the owner decided to change coaches. It was not because of results or performances, an elite coach had become available and they put him as the head coach, relegating the previous coach to an assistant. Wierd I know, but it happens a lot in Africa. But even after changing coaches, the club continued with my tactics, with a few tweaks here and there. They even went on to win a major trophy in that season, playing to my tactics (again with some changes here and there). That trophy qualified them for continental competition, the CAF Confederations Cup (equivalent to Europa in Africa).

    The team is named TS Galaxy and they ply their trade in the Premier Soccer League now. I still see mybits of my tactics, even after numerous coaching changes and personnel turnover.

    My lesson from my time there, as short as it was, was that coaching has far more to do with inter-personal skills and giving the players a certain balance in trust and instructions. Trust to give them confidence and help them take responsibility, but also instructions for the less capable players and for the capable players to revert to if things aren’t working out. They played my football with different formations, which showed me that formations are just the structure within which tactics take place, and not really tactics themselves. I learned that you never know which players can play your football until you implement it and ask the players to play it, but an experienced coach can tell what’s needed for a particular role easily.

    I feel like I was in Mikel’s shoes once. He might have been assistant to Pep, but that does not mean he knows how to implement that type of football. He might have all the information, drills and secrets, but that is only information. Finding a way to have 11 men get onto the pitch and play the way that you want is one of the hardest things to do. Even military personnel who deal in precision and plan very well for any missions, understand that there are things that you have not planned for that can happen.

    I don’t have much hope for Arteta. It’s the same with all these laptop managers. Just like me, they are not ready to lead.

    Now I am off to put some ice on my right knee and on my left achilles.

    3. Hey Devlin… I’ve long suspected that you’re South African and I’m guessing your first language is Afrikaans? There’s a certain poetry to the Afrikaans language that comes through in your posts (if I’m correct?) and I sometimes find myself reading your posts with an Afrikaans accent. Your posts on tactics are, over and above the excellent work that 7am does, one of the reasons I always return to read this blog (but don’t always comment). Thanks for sharing that great story. Word gou gesond boet!

    4. Hey Mr D! Hope you get well soon! Rest up.

      I have zero interest in the PSL but now I feel compelled to look up TS Galaxy.

      Beautifully written

  4. Thanks for the post, enjoyed that, a cherry on top of a good day. Followed up by Devlin with the sauce.

    I’ll have to remember to screen shot the book title, I’m getting sci-fi butterfly effect vibes.
    Devlin has perfectly illustrated an intangible? that ‘thing’ that usually comes with experience.
    I think I first noticed this trait in Mikel when I saw him on the sideline (or was it training?) speaking to Wenger. That animated, trying to signal 1000 imaginary, tiny planes to land.
    It was during the Pep era so it didn’t raise an alarm but in hindsight, the signs of over thinking was always there.

    Can he adapt? I’d like to think so, he was a player after all, for many years. He’s gotta work out how to get more from the front line, yesterday. Absolutely criminal with what he has on kraft paper 😜

  5. Tim,
    I’ve looked up Paperchase on Amazon UK. They’ve got a whole selection of styles and what’s more they ship to the US. I just took an example put it in the cart and went to check out. The book was £10 and the postage was £12. You get it in a couple of weeks. A lot cheaper and quicker than UPS. Let me know what you want and I can order it and get it sent. You can settle up with me later if you want.

    1. I looked at Amazon UK before asking on Twitter and at that time they weren’t shipping these items to the USA. I think I’m going to shop locally.

  7. RIP Maradona.
    I remember watching the infamous 86 WC match, rooting on England, being dumbfounded and angry that the Hand of God goal had stood, then being dumbfounded and amazed by the skill in the second goal.
    That’s how I felt with Maradona generally. Not exactly a fan, but in awe of the skill he had, even when being kicked to pieces.
    Hope he finds some peace in the next world.

  8. Sorry to hear about the theft. Like UK, US is also going through the adjustment of not being the largest economy in the world!

    On football matters, Tim, took a look at your interest – Atlanta, the whole 2nd half and they extracted revenge on Liverpool by beating them 0-2! Impressive.

    1. I was able to watch most of the first half. Very impressive against a Liverpool side that was heavily rotated from Klopp’s usual.

    1. I’m not super paranoid about porch pirates but I’m not a fan of Amazon and what they are doing with the Ring IoT device.

      I had a little RaspiPi set up for a while and took it down for no good reason. I did kick myself over that! Still wouldn’t have gotten a shot of her license plate.

          1. Ah, thanks. I thought this is what Tim was referring to, but had no idea they also sold cameras.

          2. I used a Raspberry Pi Zero W and the MotionEye package. It just doesn’t get pics of the street very well. Too far away. I could invest some time into a better system. Those Ring Doorbell things are .. I’m not a fan.

  10. I don’t think you will ever find an ostensible Arsenal blog, indeed any football blog that dessiminates a Kurt Vonnegut novel (with aplomb)

    This is proof positive that life can be both simultaneously weird and wonderful.

    Oh Benny
    Is really keen
    He’s got a mohair suit
    Electric boots
    Oh, I read it in a magazine.

  11. Hey Tim, sorry to hear about your package… You may already have seen this on YouTube (along with 84million others) but if not you might get a laff out of it. At least you’ll see someone out there is on the side of the good guys.

  12. Tim

    Another fantastic post. You are a superb writer. Thanks for all your efforts on our behalf. Happy and blessed Thanksgiving to you and all of your loved ones.

    1. is it a show of faith or does the injury situation mean he’s out of option? regardless, he looks determined to make a mark today.

      1. I think it’s both. Since Pepe can’t play for the next three league games, play him in this one to rest others. And it offers him the chance of redemption, to which I would suggest he has responded in the best possible way. So that makes it a win-win…-win!

    3. “what are the thoughts on arteta playing pepe despite the red card?”

      Why wouldn’t he?
      Pepe’s been disappointing to say the least but you couldn’t possibly give up on 100m worth of talent ( Saliba, Pepe) and call yourself a manager regardless who sanctioned them.

  16. It’s such a great talent to make a story about buying notebooks on Amazon compelling, poetic and life affirming.

    Thanks Tim.

  18. ‘…a purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.”

    I never heard this before and it’s the kind of statement I absolutely love.

    It’s the kind of advice that’s so simply stated that a child could understand it, it makes perfect sense, and yet I feel like it’s something I constantly forget to do.

    I approached my job with that in mind today and it instantly made my life better.

      1. There was another Vonnegut quote I loved around the time my first kid was born

        “Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you’ve got a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies – “God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.”

  19. Great post, Tim.

    Your quote on the role of love in life’s purpose reminds me of Dan Simmons’ classic sci-fi opera Hyperion/Endymion series..

    “In the end–when all else is dust–loyalty to those we love is all we can carry with us to the grave. Faith–true faith–was trusting in that love.”

    It also reminds me of a legendary piece of graffiti under the flyover to the airport here in Vancouver: “The meaning of life is love”!

    1. Over here on the flyover to Heathrow we famously have “M KAHN IS GAY”, it’s not quite as poetic but it has a certain something

      1. It’s weird actually how it turned into a kind of zen koan for me.

        Every time I saw it I shook my head, ashamed for the ignorance and stupidity, the bullying on such an idiotic scale, they even spelled his name wrong. And then one day I realized “what if M Kahn wrote that?”

  20. Hi I’ve enjoyed your posts for a number of years and have rarely contributed. I’d be happy to send you some new notebooks to show you my gratitude. Well deserved and the least i can do…..keep it coming!

  21. The great plains of wheat, the palm oil plantations, we have turned so much of the world into a boring, dead monoculture, a total annihilation of biodiversity, through our desire for control, exploitation and destruction (the last two always follow from the first, which is why control is do dangerously seductive).

    Which is an overdramatic and roundabout way of saying that if this blog was REALLY about Arsenal I would probably have wandered off years ago, so thanks to all for keeping it rich and diverse.

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