(Inspired by Mark Wahlberg’s rather idyllic life of eating and working out, here’s what I do every day)
2:07am wake up, realize it’s 2am, restart the Guardian Football Weekly podcast that I was listening to, fall asleep listening to Barry Glendenning mouthbreathe into the microphone
2:49am wake up again, check twitter make sure the world hasn’t been destroyed by Trump, switch to a comedy album on Amazon Music, fall asleep again
4:30am first alarm goes off, turn it off, restart the comedy album I was listening to, go back to sleep
5:00am second alarm goes off, lie in bed reading twitter and Facebook, hoping the world hasn’t come to an end, think “though if it did, it would be something of a relief.”
5:40am the dog yawps in the living room, begrudgingly get out of bed and let her out to pee, start the coffee, feed the dog, the cat, and the chickens, check on the hamster. Make small talk with the dog (using the dog voice) while the water is boiling for my coffee.
6:00am take the dog for a 2.5 mile walk around a local lake, try not to step on any syringes or get mugged by the junkies walking around like Night of the Living Dead zombies.
7:00am write some awful blog post about Arsenal, take a bath.
8:35am realize that I need to leave in 5 minutes to get the kid to school, run around the house in a panic looking for my keys.
8:56am drop the kid off at school, 1 minute late, promise myself that I will get her to school on time tomorrow (I won’t).
9:10am arrive at my real job, head for the “cryo chamber”, which is what I call my office because it’s the room I spend most of the day sobbing in.
10:00am meetings
11:00am catch up on email/slack/trello/all the other “productivity” tools that we use which make sure we actually don’t get anything done, but we sure TALK about getting stuff done!
12:00pm I forgot to make myself a lunch, go eat pho, check twitter to make sure the world isn’t ending, it’s not, damn. Answer some slack questions.
1:30pm Oh cool, busy time at work, answer a hundred questions about logging on to the computers.
2:30pm sneak a peek at social media, world’s still not ending, looks like I’ve got to spend the rest of the day here.
3:00pm do some actual work, write something, prepare a training, edit a web site, etc.
3:07pm check social media, use the bathroom, swipe for some LADIES on Tinder.
5:07pm leave the office and make an appearance at the front desk, ask everyone “how’s it going?” Do the performative “small talk” thing while glancing at my phone to check the time.
5:40pm Leave work, go get the daughter, rush home, take the dog for a short walk, rush to the YMCA for swim lessons.
6:30pm sit in the hot tub while she does swim lessons, try not to look anyone else in the eye.
7:30pm get home, make dinner, watch TV with my daughter, FAMILY TIME
9:00pm read Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy out loud with my daughter, swapping chapters. She falls asleep, carry her to bed, put on the Guardian Weekly Podcast, fall asleep listening to Barry Glendenning mouthbreathe into the microphone.
Typical Daily Schedule:
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LADIES
Tim, a good life is made up of lots of ordinary but special days like this. But you missed out the part where every day you write a bit more of your awesome book.
Thanks. Such fun you have!!🤭
Your routine sounds like heaven. Mine is similar, without the insane sleep routine and with more being complained/shouted at during the work day
Mine is pretty mundane.
7am Alarm
7.15am Fried cheerios
7.30 – 8.00am Stretching
8.00-8.30am Reshaping
8.30am Wear leprechaun suit, take elastic-powered bus to end of rainbow
9am – 12.30 Clock in to morning shift on cow factory main floor production line (udders)
12.30-1.30pm Gym: Spin class by local whirling dervish society
1.30-5pm Afternoon shift on camel floor (lips and eyelashes)
5pm Freestyle unicycle back home to treehouse apartment
6pm Manscaping
7pm Track and hunt dinner for writhing brood of nematode worms: Wednesday night is refried stolen souls of the undead night
8pm Me time: spoon practice and solo hide-and-seek
9.15 Nematode worm bedtime, Chapter 13 of the Necronomicon AGAIN
11pm Bedtime nibble
2.30am Awaken suddenly from dream with the greatest rock song ever written fully formed in head including devastating, cool, ironic yet romantic lyrics, full arrangement including killer hook, driving bass line
2.31am Go back to sleep, song instantly forgotten
LOL WTF??
OK so it’s not a glamorous life but I’m pretty content really
This is the best thing I’ve perhaps ever read
I love drugs.
Man, I loved every bit of this, except the last two because that’s happened to me so many times, it’s not funny. It could be like Bill and Ted’s music. Where’s George Carlin when you need him?
Brilliant. I wish it was my life.
Commenting to Dr. Gooner who had chastised me for stating that an earlier report on the care (or lack there of) of Cazorla clear criminal malpractice. I’ll let Cazorla’s comment that he doesn’t want to go after the medical personnel speak for itself in that he has probably been advised that he has a (good) case if he choose to pursue one. On the issue of those personnel apologizing, there is nothing wrong with healthcare personnel offering an apology when a mistake has occurred. The key is a singular mistake and not mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake, etc. in closing an infected wound that was not recognized as infected. This travesty took place in the country which gave the world Sir Joseph Lister, British surgeon and pioneer of antiseptic surgery.
Did you read my post on the last thread? Sorry for “Chastizing” btw, seems I offend everyone here. I’ll just go eat worms.
“5:40am the dog yawps…” Is it a barbaric yawp?
She yawps, dude, she’s the only thing that I[‘ve ever heard actually yawp. Ginsberg was a fraud.
Tim, this is a pack of lies. E.g
7:00am write some awful blog post about Arsenal, take a bath.
Never awful.
Hey! It fills us with awe.
I always wondered why people wake up so early if they don’t need to. I noticed in the US, my colleagues tend to wake up at 4:30 – 5:00, be in the office at 6:00- 6:30.. Ok, in my work I can “excuse them”, they need to catch the time zones (we in Europe are really lucky in that regard), but judging by the timing of the traffic jams, seems this earliness is not just for the employees of multinational companies.