One… I let Pork Chop out to go pee. It’s part of my morning routine: get up, put on the kettle, ask the dog if she needs to go pee in a falsetto (because that’s how dogs understand English, everyone knows that), let her out, and return to fixing my coffee. As I was grinding my beans (this isn’t a metaphor) I heard Pork Chop let out a weird bark. She’s not a barker and besides which it wasn’t the kind of bark I’ve ever heard from a dog barking at some passersby. I went to the back door and Porks barreled into the house, went straight to her bed, looked at me, and peed.
Two and 10. Pork Chop has never once caught a squirrel. She used to pull on the leash whenever she saw a squirrel but we have worked on that and now, when she sees a squirrel, she usually slows down and starts plodding. The other day, we were walking over a bridge near my house. I was looking at my phone. She saw a squirrel and bolted, pulling me onto my ass. I yelled out, “GOD DAMN IT PORK CHOP”. As I got up, I blamed the mossy bridge and the damp from the recent rain. I also noticed an old woman, frozen in her tracks, staring up at me. I was embarrassed and walked on as fast as possible.
Five and 20. A few months ago my back started hurting. At first I attributed it to “whiskey kisses” – a pain in my back I would get if I drank too much whiskey. But then I stopped drinking and the pain didn’t stop: a dull ache in the area just above my hips. I tried sleeping on the floor. I tried Yoga. I tried walking. All of my home cures failed. And then one day while playing football, I noticed that I couldn’t really kick that well with my left leg. That grew into a full blown shooting pain down my left leg when I tried to kick. I stopped playing football and went to the doctor. They took x-rays. They ordered an MRI. I don’t know what we are going to do, I just took the MRI on Friday. They told me to stop playing football. They told me not to even run. In the meantime, most days are actually OK. I live and move in fear of making one little mistake, one sudden wrong move and I will be immobilized for hours.
Eighteen. I make scones. It’s one of my daily practices. I should probably apologize to all of my British readers and to my Scottish Grandma for the use of the word “scone” because I’m sure that I don’t make them the way that “I should”. I make a mixture of flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and sugar. Into that I put a lot of butter, rubbing it in with my fingers until it’s crumbly. And into that I add buttermilk. Just enough to make a dough. I roll out a thick dough (1 inch at least) and cut out some rounds. I brush the tops with butter and bake them. Maybe it’s not a scone in your world, but this is what I call a scone. Yesterday I added brown sugar, oats, and almonds. They are delicious.
Eight. I have a 1L Octoberfest beer stein my father brought back from Germany when we lived there in the 70s. I drink two liters of water out of it every day. You have to stay hydrated, friends.
Thirty four. The other day I was driving my daughter to her swimming lessons and we were listening to one of the two football podcasts I listen to. There was a Scottish fellow on there and I started imitating him in a mocking way. I looked over at my daughter with a glint in my eye, I was enjoying this mockery and wanted her to join in. My daughter said “That’s just how he talks. That’s probably how he was raised. It’s not funny, dad.”
Twenty nine. I found a $20 bill in my wash yesterday.
Eleven. I love a daylight moon. It hangs silver in the blue sky, reminding us that old mythologies of the sun chasing the moon across the sky, of luna and sol locked in dance where they never see each other, could never have been taken literally by our ancestors. They were just stories. Stories of longing and hope. Stories of separation and privation. But in reality the moon often embraces the daylight and in reality sun and moon compliment each other. And instead of a bright yellow pall cast down on earth as she does in the night, the daytime moon is subtly bathed in white light, her edges crisp, her details exposed. The daytime moon is the perfect moon.
Nine and 14. You know what would be great with my scones? Clotted cream. I’m going to go to the store and get a small thing of clotted cream and try that with my scones. I’m also going to buy some raw cream and make clotted cream in my oven. Then I will have my own clotted cream to compare to the store bought stuff. But no matter what, I will have clotted cream. Because not pairing the two would almost be criminal.
Anything can be a metaphor. Anything should be a metaphor.
Qq
Cardiff, literally
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Wow. Torreira gets the moon description? He was that good?
He was a perfect glimpse of a day moon. Yes.
I don’t know why I’ve never commented on these posts before, I should have, because I really love them. Hope your back problems get sorted, and a scone is whatever you make it.
Thanks Andrew!
Woah that’s rare 🙂
w000t!
Also, grinding my beans is what I’m calling it from now on. Awesome.
True about that podcast guy. But still I would prefer not to listen to him anymore, if I had the choice..
Brilliant.
Been following the clotted cream conversation on twitter with great interest. Who brings the jam, though? 23?
Koscielny’s the jam! He’s my jam.
Haha. This is fantastic.
Did you start writing this with particular players in mind, or connected them after you had written these anecdotes?
Neither. It’s extemporaneous like all of my writing.
That’s great. Thank you for replying, and thank you for sharing your writing.
I hope your back and let gets better Tim! God bless You!
How much clotted cream would it take to make your back feel better?
Genius, Tim.
Physical therapy.
Thanks for the suggestion, Doc. I’m in great shape, my core is very strong, and we have tried both physical therapy and massage therapy. The problem is that my actual disks are degenerating, slipping, and compressing. I didn’t want to get into too much detail but I broke my back when I was 18, in the Army. That was 30 years ago and the areas above and below the rods in my back have arthritis and my lumbar spine has some compression and V-ing. I can’t remember the actual word for it, it’s like when your disks are fatter on one end and compressed on the other.
Sorry to hear about your back. Did the onset of your symptoms coincide with a new chair or seat (e.g., different car)? Swimming and inversion table may be the best ways to stretch your lower lumbar region. Doubt that would bring a total cure in view of your prior injury and your description of its underlying conditions, but at least those may bring some relief.
I do the inversion therapy. I need to be more programmatic about it. I should swim more. Thanks.
Spondylolisthesis. Not that that helps you :-/
I’m sorry it’s more serious. I had a really weak core and PT really helped me with a similar albeit less severe issue. I wish you the best in your recovery.
That’s it.
I always knew this day was coming. They warned me when I was 18. I got 30 years of playing sports and using my body after that. I’m grateful for that time.
Have you seen an interventional pain management specialist? May be able to mitigate the pain through injections before deciding on surgery, if it’s indicated
We are talking about that and also a Doctor of Osteopathy.
Hanging daily, Intu-flow daily. With consistent effort you will recover
Wow, Tim, sorry to hear about your back. I have first-hand experience of a seized back; you know, where it takes 15 minutes of excruciating effort just to get out of bed and you only do it because you don’t want to pee on yourself… I wish you ease and health.
Nothing wrong with your creative flexibility, thank gawd. But at the risk of inflaming a doting father’s ire by offering a gentle criticism of your daughter, she’s wrong about the Scottish accent. It inherently, undeniably and exhaustingly hilarious. Check out Billy Connolly on YouTube Half the time you can’t understand a word he’s saying and he still puts me on the floor. You might want to wait until your back’s feeling a little better before you google him tho’…
Oh yeah, and your daughter’s right about everything else.
That is a brilliant post.
I’m not smart enough to get all the metaphors but, even with not doing so, it’s brilliant.
If Carlsberg did blogs….
The back pain tho’, is literally a pain. Much sympathy – scones with cream, clotted or otherwise, can only make it better.
tim, you’re brilliant, my man-manimal. with your back, you’ll probably need to reduce your soccer-playing minutes and transition to another less-traumatic form of cardio. take it from a “bullet-proof” man who played about four years longer than he should have. i’ve had 5 knee surgeries and needed knee replacements over 15 years ago. by the way, i gained 60 pounds after i stopped playing. i’m blessed with a muscular frame so i’m not fat but my knees are in bad shape. my goal was to make it to 50 before i got the knees replaced but i’ll be lucky to make it out of the year. regardless of the direction you choose, good luck.
Great writing. I enjoyed, except for your injury. Best to you.
Came back home for good. Big life change. Looking forward to all the things I’m going to do, and all the things I’m going to do better. Some are going to be hard. I hope it’s not too much to admit that I am borrowing heavily from your outlook, Tim. Lovely post.
i just watched the game this afternoon and i read the posts. great comments, boys. i loved most of what i heard and fully agreed. my major takeaways were, first, lacazette was very good. france were foolish to not take him to the world cup as they also left out gignac. if something had happened to giroud, they would have had no one capable of providing competent center forward play. i still believe giroud is a better center forward but he’s getting old and lacazette is getting better. he’s been brilliant all season and deserved to start yesterday. good on him.
second was ozil. i don’t thing it was ozil as much as emery recognizing that ozil is at his best when he’s not stuck in some rigid system that minimizes his brilliance. in the second half, he was allowed to do what he’s good at and he bossed the game. good on him.
the negative takeaways, i had high hopes for xhaka but he’s not much better than he was when he got to the club. sure, he looks good against bad teams but we need him to look good against good teams. i’ve read where people are declaring he needs to be paired with a certain type of player. nuts! arsenal shouldn’t have to build the world around xhaka. he’s not that brilliant of a player that you make those exceptions for.
second, i need to come to the defense of petr cech. the bottom line is this; you don’t play a back pass to your keeper that’s going to put him under extreme duress, EVER! i don’t care how technically brilliant the keeper is, that’s bad tactical soccer and anyone who does that is asking for trouble. anything can happen; a bobble of the ball or a slip, and if anything does, the result will likely end in disaster. arsenal is the only club in world football who continually does this. because clubs know arsenal are willing to do this, they develop situations that encourage the arsenal players to do the back pass as it improves their likelihood of creating a favorable predicament. it really doesn’t matter who the keeper is, you simply don’t do that. that’s not cech. it’s the players not respecting that the opponents are too close to the keeper.
Tim am not really nerdy like most of the regulars on here, i just lurk always in the shadows reading their posts.
I must confess your are the best writer i know/have read, most times i just envy your writings.
This is beautiful, i had to google Arsenal squad numbers before i got a clue about this.
Sorry about your back Tim, all the best.
Much too cerebral for my limited cognition…but it was purty to read.
Best wishes on your back challenges. I know a bit or two about that pain.
I never comment on here, but I read every time you post. Really liked this one. A metaphor is whatever you want it to be.
Superb. Gracias Tim
Fourteen. When the “king of metaphor” is in form, it is an enjoyable reminder of the best of our past, of pure class. Of gliding past obstacles and gleaming some truth in an instant.
Ten. Great art is so often spontaneous, requiring both stillness and speed to capture a thought, to distill that instantaneous truth before it disappears from sight forever.
You and I share very similar back issues, BTW. Wish I could say it was when I served. Bent over pull ups with too much free weight on the bar because I was eighteen and an idiot and just had to do casual workouts with football players on my dorm floor who insisted that “you can do it, bro!”
Not to make light of your pain, but I chuckled aloud at, “You can do it, bro!”…It’s about as classic a line as, “Hold, my beer” 🙂
Best wishes to you as well, 1Nil
Thanks, bro!
Just started reading your posts. No idea what this one is about. I think I’ll translate it into Greek verse. It might make more sense then.
I just read arseblog talking about his dog (bitch) lana barking and encountering a fox outside his house before i tuned into 7am. Coincidence. I’ve been very curious to know why you left by the numbers on arseblog though.
Everyone is looking for some controversy. I count Andrew as a dear friend and appreciate everything he’s done for me as a writer. There were no fallings out or anything. I was offered a place at the Arsenal Review and I wanted to pursue a new type of fan-based project. So that’s what I’m doing!