Make it fast Carlos

By Suvidude

One of those days in Barcelona, Spain.
A phone call between with two very important people in football, Barcelona Head of Negotiations and Club Scout Carlos.

“Hello, Carlos ?”
“Yes Boss”
“Where the hell are you, my man?”
“I am in China Boss. Holidaying and fixing a deal”
“Fix me now. We have a crisis. I need you. Neymar is gone. We need a replacement. I need you to get into act..! ”
“Now ?”
“Yeah, now. As in NOW NOW”
“How about Jesus ? Douglas Costa, the Juventus guy ? Fred ?
“Sweet Jesus, we are replacing Neymar man. We need Brazilian strikers. Preferably with a name starting in N”
“But they ARE Brazilian strikers”
“Really ? They don’t sound like Brazilians. I need a proper one. An inho”
“Aninho ?”
“Yes, Robinho, like our Ronaldinho, our Mourinho… you know. People are laughing at us Carlos. We need a proper replacement. Do you understand that?”
“But Mou…”
“Ok. I think I have one. You remember Firmino, from Liverpool?”
“That ponytail guy who you showed me the pic of? ”
“He IS in the Brazil squad”
“Yeah, Ok, but he is not an inho is he?”
“Its similar”
“No No Carlos… You don’t understand me. I need a Juninho, Moutinho”
“Ok Ok, I have one. Not a striker, but a proper Brazilian. Coutinho. He is also from Liverpool”
“Ok…tell me more. But how are they signing Brazilians and not us”
“Well, you see there are different grades of coffee..and some”
“Wait…we are talking coffee?”
“No..Coutinho. He is good. But…”
“But what.. he does not score goals? ”
“He does, He does… he can hit some wild ones as well”
“Then let us get him”
“Yeah, but don’t know if Liverpool would sell or not. Even if, they will ask at least 70 Mn”
“70Mn..!! Are you disrespecting my boy Neymar ?.. Start at 100 ?”
“125..OK… Get him”
“Boss, we tried. Apparently they are not selling him. We are still trying”
“What…Did you say he is going to replace Neymar”
“We did, the player wants to come…”
“Carlos, I don’t think you understand. People are laughing at us. It’s 5 days already. You know what, our asses are on the line ”
“I know boss. I have a plan B”
“Does your plan B have an inho in his name”
“Yes. He is from China”
“China…? are you fucking with me ?”
“No No.. I mean, He is proper Brazilian and all that”
“From China ?”
“No.. No.. from Brazil. He is currently in China”
“Football while Holidaying..?”
“Yeah.. Lets say that. He can come. And the Chinese say that they don’t need any money, they seem to have enough”
“Don’t ever say that to anyone !”
“Ok, I’ll have the deal pegged up to 20 Mn”
“What..? Structure it atleast 30Mn + Bonuses every time you pass to Messi. And, don’t forget your plan A. Keep trying for Cuntinho”
“The Liverpool guy, Our ponytail’s friend”
“Sure boss. But in the meantime, Paulinho is yours”
“Who ?”
“Paulinho… from China”


“Today we unveil 40m Euro Brazilian wonder… Paulinho!”
Do some tricks, Paulinho… ”



  1. Such a weird transfer. The guy was average for Spurs, and now he’s, what, upped his game in China?

    That clip is hilarious. The walk to retrieve the ball. Hahaa!

    1. The mistake we make — and you are making here — is to dismiss the abilities of someone who didn’t succeed in England. Paulinho was actually an incredible get for Spurs, a really, really good box-to-box, goalscoring midfielder and fixture for Brazil. He made a career mistake, and suffered for it. Andriy Shevchenko and “Brujita” Veron were also average for Chelsea and United respectively, but were otherwise fantastic players. So is Paulinho.

      1. I also don’t see the problem with signing Paulinho myself. He’s a decent CM bought to add steel to Barca’s soft center and a goal or two. Busquets is the only tough tackle Barca had hence the hefty price.

      2. Meh. Maybe he’ll be amazing for them. Still looks a weird transfer to me. When was the last time a club like Barcelona bought a player who was average for (at that time) a pretty average club like Spurs? It’s rare, right? That’s what I’m saying. Maybe he was amazing in China. I don’t watch the Chinese league. And maybe transfers from China to the best clubs in the world will become more normal in years to come, but right now…strikes me as anomalous.

  2. A Man U supporting colleague and I occasionally bet on neutral games (beer and pub grub, never mood).

    This weekend he’s asking me to take either Chel$ki or the Tiny Tots.

    I would think Tiny Tots are the more obvious choice with the Blues in trouble with their suspensions, missing players, etc.

    Open to suggestion, however…

  3. Brilliant Tim. Absolutely brilliant!

    Began following your work last year and been hooked since. Your story telling is, to quote Arsene, top top quality. This piece is up there with that flawless Szczesny’s gost piece

    Cheers Tim

  4. It took me a few minutes to read this….because I kept laughing (controlled laughter), but by the end (Paulinho is yours), I was in bits. I can’t help thinking it may just have played out in a similar fashion…..

  5. How does this end? Barca offers crazy money. Dude hands in a transfer request. ‘Pool sticks to their guns on a recently signed contract that does not have a release clause.

    Does the player train alone and play in U-21’s for the balance of his contract?

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