Adulting

I didn’t get up this morning at 4:30 like I am supposed to and instead when Beach Party Vietnam came on I reached out for my phone like one of those cranes where a kid puts a dollar in a machine and gets one chance to pick up a stuffed animal and usually gets a grip only to have the prize slip away as soon as the claw lifts and so I pumped dollars into my crane-hand and kept clawing for the phone picking and dropping until by some miracle I was able to drag this device of my torment closer to my face where I could squint at the harsh light and jab the screen until it shut up and then roll back over to slumber for a few more hours.

I have these visions of what I’m going to do every morning to dig my life out of this pit. I’m going to get up at 4:30, get dressed, grab the leash, and take the dog for an invigorating walk. When I get home, I’ll do some stretches and my pushups – a holdover from my Army days. Then I’ll sit down with a cup of coffee and start working on this blog or even better yet, do that research I keep wanting to do. I’ll organize my thoughts, I’ll organize my work, I’ll write something, I’ll edit it, I’ll publish something witty, and you’ll all laugh.

Then I’ll go to work where I’ll get things done all day. I’ll have that 3D printing training program down and I’ll invite the campus to come get training. I’ll write that blog, detailing the work I’m putting into my 3D printing and what I’m learning. I’ll finish installing all those systems and get the documentation organized so that anyone could follow in my footsteps. I’ll hire another assistant. I’ll spend more time helping students. I’ll smile at work and be happy and grateful that I’m in the job that I’m in and that I have been given the opportunity that I’ve been given and most important, I’ll take that opportunity and make it grow. Maybe I’ll finally get that Master’s Degree that I probably should have gotten 15 years ago.

I’ll roll out the idea for that room, with neat little models that people can move around, so that they can visualize what that space could be. I’ll write that handout for the students detailing the upcoming changes to the printing services on campus and what the Library can do to help.

I’ll take multiple breaks during the day. I’ll go for walks. I’ll study language while I’m on those breaks. At least one of my 15 minute breaks will be reading, I need to read more, just like how my body is starting to break down my mind is starting to atrophy. Instead of beautiful phrases like “Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage” I’m reading shitposts on Facebook about “adulting” where people are like “hey look, I’m adulting, I just did laundry instead of getting drunk” and I’m like “ha ha! that’s not adulting, adulting is when you sit around all day frozen by the fear that everything in your life is a fucking lie and adulting where you thought you were on solid ground but you looked around and suddenly realized that you’re in the bottom of this pit that you dug for yourself and you know that you need to make some hand and foot-holds so that you can climb out but you look at how much work that would take and you realize that your back hurts and that your achilles would probably snap trying to climb out of that pit and then you say “fuuck it! this pit ain’t so bad!” and you start a  little fire and roast some bugs that you found down there and pretend that they are steak.

And when I get home I’ll make a meal for my daughter and she will turn to me and say “dad I love vegetables.” And we will take the dog for another walk and I’ll throw the dog the ball and she will retrieve it perfectly every time. And after the walk I will help the daughter with her math and she will turn to me and say “dad, thank you for helping me with math, when I’m older I will appreciate this, but right now I am just happy to share this time with you. I don’t want to watch YouTube videos 24/7 I want to do math and science with you.” And then we will eat calorie free ice-cream and we will read together some more and everyone will go to bed on time and the dog won’t shed and the cat won’t meow and the house will be warm and all the bills will be paid and as I close my eyes to drift off to sleep I’ll dream of Arsenal, oh Arsenal, Arsenal will be a winner again and the players will be 6 inches taller than real life just like they used to be and Alexis will be happy and he will score goals all over the place and Özil will play his beautiful passes and Xhaka will win every tackle Mustafi will win every header and Cech will save every shot and even when things start to go bad the team will turn things around and will make up for all their mistakes and help each other out and there will be leadership and Arsenal will win the League and Arsenal will win the next five games beating Man City and Leicester and Man U and Tottenham and Southampton and Arsene Wenger will change and the back three will work and the back four will work and everything Arsenal tries will work and the youth team will start to pump out a production line of young British talent and the team will be in the very top of the League once again and when the alarm goes off at 4:30am I’ll get up.

Except this time I won’t fumble for the phone.

Qq

23 Comments on Adulting

    • Yeah, so much for Wilshere coming back as Carzola 2.0 and saving our midfield. Sigh. The first Arsenal match that I can recall watching was the 2006 CL final loss (that was before I became an Arsenal fan) and since then the story of Arsenal has been one of unfulfilled promises. But even the tidbits to keep luring me back in (e.g., dashing football, slick passing, etc.) has been conspicuously missing this season.

    • What an insensitive comment. Wilshere didnt break his leg — some neanderthal broke it. Come on man. Im pretty certain that Jack isn’t to blame.

      And btw, lest we forget, the Tottenham fans cheer his injury. They may finish ahead of us in the table, but they will always be a dick club.

      • Didn’t mean it that way, Just frustrated at the ongoing injury history for both Jack and the Arse. I wasn’t assigning blame, except maybe to biased referees, idiots who chunder on about the importance of the “physical” game, and managers who encourage their players to nobble opponents that have superior skill since it’s the only way their teams can compete.

    • I haven’t seen the highlights yet but the pic on BBC sport website shows Kane scissoring his leg nowhere near the ball! Once again we have the media spinning Arsenal player breaks leg when the truth is:
      Violent thug illegally and against the rules of the game breaks Arsenal players leg.
      And as it is that lilywhite knuckle dragger it will be ‘Oh its just part of the game’ the same as that Utd bar steward.
      Its easy to fall into media speak but we, especially, need to call out false language and call a thug a thug

  1. Pathos.
    This blog contains lots of logos, there’s been ethos, but this is major pathos, dude.
    Adulting is reading 7am Kickoff. I’m serious bro.

  2. I first read the title as, “Adultery,” and thought, “oh ho! oh ho! what’s this? what’s this?!” However, what I got instead was sobering instead of salacious. Ah, realities. Realities and perceptions. Realities and perceptions and feelings. Reality as perception. I tend to be more of a Duke Senior from As You Like It sort of person, finding tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything. But career pressures and raising small children and home ownership and bills and aging and health concerns and money and and and… It tends to wear on idealism a touch.

    I’ve always thought that the idea of “adulthood” had everything to do with behaviors and attitudes rather than tasks. Any child can do the laundry or cook an egg if you teach them. Is this what counts as maturity these days? Posting a self-congratulatory picture of oneself doing a task that any idiot could master? Please tell me it’s ironic. This is why I don’t sign up for social media.

  3. Adulting… when you reach that point where you no longer care about hitting the multiple-tens-of-millions of dollars on the lotto and just want the 3rd-place prize of a few hundred thousand to pay off the student loans.

  4. I actually had never heard the term until about half an hour ago when I checked to see if there was a fresh post.

    The world and its languages in the vernacular, never cease to amaze, especially English.

    I love Shakespeare as well. Modern poetry too. I introduced Langston Hughes to Son of 1 Nil via “A Deferred” during Black History Month this. Happy to say, the kid loves this stuff. Lapped it up. So proud.

      • Big shout out to you and Son of 1 Nil.

        Didn’t discover Langston Hughes until I was in my 20’s and after years of ploughing through boring “classics” like Chaucer and other dubious western canon it was a revelation.

  5. You have no idea how in point and on time this post came for me. The morning of what feels like a crossroads after two ten year long projects have come to fruition.
    I hope to be inspired.
    Thank you.

  6. Too funny. I wrote my weekly book review column this AM, and the tone is so similar to your piece today. It’s April, dude. Gets me every year.

  7. Are we miserable because we’re football fans or are we football fans because we’re miserable?

    “All the happy fans are all the same but the miserable ones are miserable in their own special way”🙂.

  8. I’m going to go home and walk the dog for lunch and have a cold-brew nitro coffee in a glass like it’s a Guinness and then I’ll eat something bland.

  9. Fair enough, and all things equal this slump is really tiresome. Watching the game Barca vs Juve and it’s just refreshing. Such a relief watching a game of football without nervousness, anxiety and frustration. Just enjoying some good to great footie.

  10. I had no idea what adulting was. Probably because I have completely shunned social media from my life *gasp. I had to google it and I feel a little bit more stupid now.

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