Alexis ascends to heaven on a white horse

Alexis Sanchez had what teammates described as a phenomenal night for Chile, scoring a goal from a direct free kick and providing an assist in a crucial win over Venezuela. But the question on everyone’s mind must be “yeah, but how many turnovers did he have?”

The Arsenal star had what I would call an “eventful” match. He scored Chile’s first goal with a direct free kick from about 25 yards. It was the kind of goal that would normally deserve some kind of physics breakdown or one of those “how does this get made” videos. He simply kicked the ball, really hard, with a bit of curl, then hit the underside of the crossbar, near the corner, and scored.

For Chile’s second goal Alexis was, and let’s be fair here, ball hoggin. But, he did just go ahead and dribble through the entire team like a dog in a sausage factory. Then when someone finally made a run in the box, he slotted the ball in for them with the perfect weight and spin and a note saying “stroke me“), so they could play across to Chile’s number 9 who was standing all alone in the middle of the 6 yard box. It’s not very often that you’ll hear me praise a player for a pre-assist – a stat so hairy you could shave its back – but this was a pre-assist of Bergkamp quality.

Alexis wasn’t done.

Nah.

For the third goal, Alexis again was ball hoggin. This time, though, he passed wide, and darted toward goal. His teammate tried to pick him out but the return pass had about as much quality as an Eboue goal celebration and looked likely to be floated out of touch. But Alexis headed the ball back across goal and basically onto Beausejour’s head to score. Yeah, I believe Alexis headed the ball onto another man’s head and I’m pretty sure he did it on purpose. You can’t tell me otherwise. I’m not listening. The man is now a saint.

Saint Alexis wasn’t done. He just kept playing delightful throughballs to his teammates. One picked out the atrociously coiffed Vidal, who, standing alone, in the middle of the 18 yard box, passed the ball wide of the net. Vidal missed several chances created by Saint Alexis and must now do penance for wasting the feast of the saints.

Santa Alexis kept providing. Time and again loading up gifts for his teammates who spurned them. Saints often go through a period of tribulations and clearly this match was his.

And at the end of the match Chile earned a penalty. Alexis stepped up to take it. Had he scored he would become Chile’s all-time goal scorer. But Santa Alexis showed his humility and intentionally took a terrible penalty. Thus saving Venezuela from a humbling score line and his own record for their next qualifier in August against Paraguay.

When asked for comment on Alexis’ stunning match, a salty Wenger told reporters to find out how many sprints he had done and look at how many turnovers he had. Alexis couldn’t be reached for comment, he was busy ascending to heaven on a white horse, with a trail of several thousand dogs behind him.

Qq

Rarely do we humans get to witness miracles and yet here is video proof:

35 Comments on Alexis ascends to heaven on a white horse

  1. Saint Alexis will contribute not just goals to Arsenal but if he continues his saintly miracles and has decided to leave us, then I think he’ll command a sizeable, possibly Arsenal club record transfer fee, despite just the 1 year remaining on his contract.
    $50 million? $60 million if we count Atom and Humber.

  2. He would never leave without them of course but I still think we should try and negotiate that Atom and Humber stay along with the white horse, (after he’s carried up there of course).

    I’m thinking we might finally solve our defensive issues with those three…

  3. Nobody is celebrating these performances more than Gazidis and Kroenke. Every goal/assist adds a million pounds to his transfer fee.

    • Which is why Wenger’s comments were even more bizarre.

      “Alexis is a lazy player, that’s why we offered him a huge new contract.”

  4. It will be interesting to see if there is a bidding war for his services between the mega rich clubs, and also, what will Wenger do if it’s the PL clubs offering 10,20 or even 30m more than the likes of Bayern or PSG.

    • If Chelsea offer £60m I say we take it.

      I would also take £7 pounds and a packet of crisps for Özil*.

      *I’m being facetious, I’m sure he would command at least £10m.

      • Seriously though Tim, how much do you think Ozil, with only a year left on his contract, would get us in the market? I really like him as a player but he is a luxury and unfortunately one we can’t afford. He is like a Jaguar S-Type. If that’s one of multiple cars in your garage, then you are fine. However if that’s the only car in your garage, you are essentially making constant trips to the mechanic and it becomes a headache.

        Alexis is the one player we should be keeping. Where do you think he ranks among attacking players in the world? Top 10? If that’s the case then 250-300K per week is the market rate and it would be embarrassing if we refuse to pay that.

      • Agree 100%. If someone offers you more or less double what you paid for a player who is 3 years older and on the final year of his deal – take it. We’re not challenging Chelsea anytime soon, forget this aversion to selling to “competitors”. What a laugher.

        Knowing how it works though Chelsea will get 90m for Costa from China and end up 30m in the good.

    • On special terms, yes.
      Sign a four year extension with a bumper pay of whatever Wenger is on , since no player can make more at Arsenal than Wenger, with a stipulation for a buy out clause kicking in at the end of next season.

      Upside for Arsenal: they get to keep Samchez for one more season and they stand to make a larger profit from his sale at the end of next season, while signaling to the rest of the footballing world Arsenal aren’t a troubled organization where star players flee for their footballing lives like rats from sinking ships.

      Upside for Sanchez: he and his agent make more money in his final year with Arsenal( assuming Wenger is being serious about allowing Sanchez’s contract run out), while he still gets to leave at the end of next season.

      • This is what Arsenal should be doing, and what clubs like Liverpool do all the time. I don’t get why we never do things like this to protect out prized assets. It seems foolish especially for a club so concerned with finances. It hints at a club being too cautious and ending up getting screwed in the end.

    • No. I cannot for the life of me see why he’d stay with us unless the wages on offer were extremely good and we know that isn’t the case. City, Chelsea, Utd and even Liverpool all have more to offer. I’d mention Spurs but they are worse than us for wages.

      • analogous, i’m sure but i don’t get it. how does comparing a horse doing something that horses don’t do have to do with alexis signing an extension?

          • it seems that you’re comparing something that, essentially, never happens in nature to something that happens all the time in football; a horse walking only on front legs compared to a top player wanting to play for a top team.

            yeah, that’s all i’ve got. i don’t have time for the socratic stuff. besides, i’m not very smart. however, i do listen well. kindly enlighten the brotherhood, my good doctor.

          • Sorry Josh, I was just having a bit of fun. The point of the question was to draw parallel with the ridiculousness of the unknowable.

  5. What happened to Ozil? It’s like he fell off a cliff and into the Twilight Denilson Zone.

    I fully expected him to be one of Wenger’s greatest midfielders right up there with Pires, Bergkamp, Ljungberg and Fabregas.

    Whoever that is now, it is not the same player who scored one of the top 40 Arsenal goals of all time against Ludogorets just 4 1/2 months ago.

    Whoever that is now, it is not the same player who scored one of the top 40 Arsenal goals of all time against Ludogorets.

    • Ozil, I have read, is the one player in Wenger’s office all the time negotiating days off and such.

      My theory is that he’s a player who needs a hard kick up the ass from a manager. Ancelotti recognized this at Real and decided he didn’t want to have to “motivate” players and sold him off. Wenger is not the guy either. Sell Ozil, he’d be perfect for PSG where he could look all world during league games and then disappear during Champions League knockout stage matches.

  6. No doubt even god himself, DB10, First amongst Invincibles and protector of Arsenal’s Honour, would have been cast off as a “lazy fraud” by the kind of people who use “distance covered” stats to smear Alexis.

  7. Any deal that sends one of our best players to a supposed rival is awful and should never be considered. Any deal that sends our very best player to a team that’s already better and which is our biggest obstacle to our biggest goal seems ridiculous beyond belief. We’re not challenging anytime soon? I really cannot believe some of the comments I’m seeing. Sure, let’s give up, burn it down, throw in the towel and tell the world we think we suck so much that we won’t even bother trying to compete next year by selling Alexis to Chelsea. Great plan, guys.

    After that, I have to lodge a general complaint about the need to make cynical comments after Alexis played what should rightly go down as a ridiculous, truly “Roy of the Rovers” put the team on my back and dribble past an entire team several times performance. It was awesome. Games like this are why football is fun. What’s wrong with you people? Do you hate fun?

    • Absolutely agree on the 1st paragraph. Why would Tim agree to sell Alexis to Chelsea for £60MM is beyond me. Hopefully he will elaborate on that but personally I would ask them to f*** off even if they came into my office with a burlap sack filled with £100 MM in cash (can you fit £100 MM in a burlap sack? Hmm…).

      As for the 2nd paragraph. Being cynical is how I deal with the sh8show coming from our club. I can only assume there are many others like me. I don’t hate fun but right now it seems like fun hates me.

      • We have a (slight) advantage in this that threatening to bench Alexis would actually truly affect him. We don’t have to sell him for cheap. However, I disagree with both you and doc that selling him to Chelsea is something we should never do. If we can get 60+ million for him, AND we can find players to upgrade our attack, we should do it.

        Sell him for 60m and sell the likes of Wilshere, Campbell, Gibbs, Jenkinson, and maybe even Ox and Ramsey, and get in two quality mids, a LB and a CF and wide forward by adding 100m or so to what you gain and you could be a better team for it, despite selling your best player.

        We’ll have a squad of more than 25 players, and will have to sell to make room for new players anyway. So I’m not against shaking things up right now.

        • I am not against the idea of selling Alexis. I just don’t want him to be sold to Chelsea. Logically you are correct but you are assuming we will do a great job of replacing his talents with someone of equal caliber. Based on what exactly? Our transfer dealings in the last few seasons tells me otherwise. Besides, it’s Chelsea. I hate them. Sometimes you just have to go with your emotions. It’s football after all.

          • I am against the idea, wholeheartedly. He’s by far the best player we’ve had since RVP departed, and he’s younger, and fitter than RVP was. He’s a keeper. We gotta keep him. Selling him for any amount would reinforce our identity as also-rans to current and future players, deprive us of 20 goals per season and if it’s to Chelsea, also hand next season’s PL trophy to them on a platter. I can’t believe we’ve spent this long talking about this idea.

    • You mean like van Persie to Man U?

      Anyway, I’m just saying, if Chelsea come along and offer £60m for this guy who doesn’t run, hogs the ball, is hated by all his teammates and half of the fans, and who is making Özil worse then who are we to stand in his way? Wenger has often talked about how he doesn’t like blocking the careers of his players and if Alexis wants to go to Chelsea for more money and play along side Lukaku and Hazard to challenge for the League title and Champions League, it would be utterly unfair of us to stop him. We should thank him for his service and for the £60m he left us as a tip and throw him a champagne party.

      Then we can get onto the more serious work of spending that £60m on a new torso for Sanogo.

      Also, while we are at it, why not sell Özil, Ramsey, Wilshere, Walcott, Ox and Welbeck? Seriously, though it’s really hard to tell when I’m being facetious, isn’t it? Probably because a lot of you want some or many of these players sold/benched/told to fuck off to the reserves.

      My honest feeling is that you keep all your best players. That you then build around those best players by buying more great players. Then you install a system or two which best fits those players.

      Wacky idea, I know.

  8. “What’s wrong with you people? Do you hate fun?”

    Obviously.
    Why else would one still be an Arsenal supporter?

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