Mike Dean loves the new rules

Here at 7amkickoff we are taking a break from the monotony of transfer talk to talk about fun new upcoming rules changes. With all of the player transfers completed and the chance of Arsenal signing anyone down to around 10% there is little point babbling on about who Arsenal won’t be signing when Arsenal turn away from not-signing the player that they are currently not signing. And besides which, there is almost zero chance that any single or even two signings will solve the myriad problems that plague the Arsenal. Instead of signings, or the football, we will derive footballing joy from watching the Premier League referees faff about applying new and mysterious rules. Here I present to you a breakdown of these new rules as they apply to Mike Dean.

Rule Change #1: Mike Dean can send off a player before the game starts

Mike Dean is normally not one to do something in private if it can instead be done in front of hundreds of millions on live television. But thanks to new tunnel cams which capture every moment of the pre-football Mike Dean can be assured his audience will see him in full 4k glory when he sends Mesut Özil off for “eyeballing” him in the tunnel. The new rules will allow Arsenal to still start the game with 11 men, subbing on another player for Özil. Mike Dean has been instructed to drop to one knee and gesticulate like Elvis pointing to the heavens when sending off players in the tunnel.

Rule change #2: Mike Dean no longer requires a forward pass on resumption of play

Players will no longer need to pass the ball forward on the resumption of play after a goal is scored. Mike Dean is unsure of whether he likes this new change as it means he will no longer be able to stop play when a striker is caught trespassing into the opposition half on kickoff.

This new rule also makes it harder or Theo Walcott to complete his one pass per game as he will now need to make a back pass at least 15 yards.

Rule change #3: Mike Dean allowed to show leniency in DOOGSO

Mike Dean is a strong yet caring human and was always visibly upset when he was forced to eject players who committed minor offenses in the box. He would often shake his head, shrug, and give a look of “what can I do?”. But the good news for Mike Dean is that he will no longer be forced to make such obviously exaggerated faces, and fouls that would be a yellow card anywhere else on the pitch will still be yellow cards. This is meant to avoid the dreaded “triple-punishment” which happened when a player was sent off, the opposition awarded a penalty, and the player was suspended for a single game. Mike Dean will still award all Arsenal defenders red cards in these situations and in almost any situation whether they are warranted or not. He will also continue to do the shrugging thing and make the “what can I do about it” face.

Rule Change #4: Mike Dean hates tricky penalties

Mike Dean’s favorite footballing events are penalties. They afford him an almost obscene amount of face time on camera. The only way that Mike Dean could make penalties better would be if he were allowed to award a yellow card to the penalty taker in the middle of the penalty! From this season forward, he will be allowed to do that, but only if the penalty taker does that little stutter-step penalty. Also if the keeper comes off his line too soon. Football fans around the world can’t wait for the match in which Mike Dean awards Arsenal a penalty and then in the middle of the kick gives Mesut Özil a yellow card, which will (naturally) be his second yellow and see the German sent to the showers early.

Rule change #5: Mike Dean will send your manager to the stands

Mike Dean will be cracking down on managers and player’s behavior on the sidelines and will take any confrontations between managers as an opportunity to send Arsene Wenger to the stands.

Mourinho Wenger

Rule change #6: Mike Dean can no longer award a yellow card for all handballs

It’s no longer a yellow card if a player prevents an opponent from gaining possession. Mike Dean is not a fan of this new rule as it means less time for him to be on screen making funny faces at players while showing them a yellow card.

Rule change #7: Mike Dean don’t take no mess

Mike Dean will, however, put an end to players questioning him! This will be Mike Dean’s second new favorite rule. Now, anytime a player shows dissent Mike Dean can award a yellow card. And any time a player uses foul language it will be a red card. This is Mike Dean’s second favorite new rule because it allows him to demonstrate the moral outrage and moral revulsion faces that he has spent all summer practicing in the bathroom mirror.

Rule change #8: Mike Dean will award penalties for any contact in the box

Mike Dean’s favorite new rule! Mike Dean has already applied this rule twice in a single game. The rule is not an actual rule but is instead a FA interpretation of the rules. It goes like this: whenever Mike Dean sees contact in the box on a corner/free kick and he feels like awarding a penalty, he can. In the match between Man City and Stoke, Mike Dean awarded a penalty when Raheem Sterling was judged to have been touching Ryan Shawcross. And while I agree that it is quite foul to touch Ryan Shawcross I don’t agree that it was quite a foul. Regardless! Mike Dean awarded the penalty, then handed out a yellow card to Sterling (see rule change 3), and made shruggy faces (what can I do about it? those are the rules, kid.) and shooed people away from him with threats of red cards for dissent.

This new rule, in particular, is going to make Mike Dean very happy this season.

Qq

10 Comments on Mike Dean loves the new rules

  1. The kids probably don’t use this one anymore, but LMFAO. That was genuinely entertaining and funny. I needed that – thanks!

    Are you here all week? Where’s the tip jar? Oh, the donate button…

  2. In the midst of such a depressing summer and start to the league, I had completely forgotten about mike dean.

    Ughhhhh.

  3. This new rule also makes it harder or Theo Walcott to complete his one pass per game as he will now need to make a back pass at least 15 yards.

    ===

    lolz

  4. A couple of other rule change this season:

    1) Players can now receive treatment on the pitch instead of being forced off to the sidelines. This will allow Mike Dean to create a special Arsenal zone somewhere on the pitch because Arsenal being Arsenal he will in his largess and kindness, anticipate our players always needing on-pitch treatment.

    2) The IFAB have also approved a two-year trial period of video technology to assist referees, to be used in four cases: to determine if a goal has been scored, red cards, penalties and mistaken identity.
    Mike Dean being Mike Dean will use all the new video rules in the first 10 minutes of his next match. All will reverse his on-field calls.

  5. Isn’t one of the rules something about goalkeepers staying on their line for penalties?
    Wasn’t that already a thing?

  6. It’s funny, I actually thought you were joking about some of these, but after looking them up they’re all there.

    Apparently holding in the penalty area is penalty and sending off offense now.

  7. The redoubtable and always excellent Goonerholic has teamsed up with AFC offer readers the chance to win a pair of tickets to ‘Arsenal Legends’ v ‘Milan Glorie’ at Emirates Stadium on Saturday 3 September.:

    http://goonerholic.com/

    If I were in London rest assured I would be there. What a treat to see Henry, Pires, Maldini, Inzaghi and other legends have some fun on the pitch!

  8. i want to say concerning the previous post, Tim is right, arsenal are struggling to sign players but another thing we haven’t looked at is, are we struggling to sign players because wenger is in charge either based on him not rated anymore or that he doesn’t pay what is required based on wage demands, agency fees, club transfers?
    i just have a feeling, if we gave vardy 180p/week, all that loyalty ball stories would be thrown out the window.

    ehen, mike dean is just a doorknob

Comments are closed.