Beware the teats of Barca, the milk's gone bad.

Bag balm is simply the best for all your cracked and chapped teats needs. Rub it in and keep those Barcelona teats soft and supple.

I have discovered the joy of Barcelona FC during a Presidential election. With their seemingly non-stop tapping up of pretty much every player in the history of mankind, and especially Arsenal players, I used to get all angry and say things like “die you fcuking cock sandwiches” and “irregardless, this is proff that they just want to take away our middle-fielders and they should be banned from transfers for eternity!” But now, thanks to the internet, I’m much better.

The internet, you see, serves up so much delicious irony and so many bizarre quotes that after a while it just started to sink in; Barcelona are actors in a Catalonian comedy! Take this latest quote from Barcelona’s Berguiristain

Cesc is a player who has the Barca profile. He was born suckling upon the teat of the football here. One day he will end up playing at the Camp Nou. I am sure of it.

That can’t be a serious statement made by a man who is in charge of a multi-million dollar international sporting empire. “Suckling the teat” of Barcelona? No, that is something that only a clown would say. That he then goes on to tap up Ribery and Robinho making mad proclamations such as “If Ribery goes on the market, we’ll be first to know” only heightens the sense of farce.

Of course, no good comedy would be complete without the play within a play: a perfect mirror for the court jester that is Txiki Berguiristain, Joan Laporta and the other cast of folks at Barcelona who so accidentally brighten my day with their madness. The internet delivers here as well with “Barcanews” over at Twitter serving up a delicious foil for the real Barcelona news 140 characters at a time. My favorite?

FC Barcelona to play with 10 men from now on, leaving a place open for Fabregas until he joins in 2028.

See, no need for alarm. No need to get your heckles up. Barcelona’s pursuit of Cesc Fabregas is nothing short of a comic masterpiece. A modern day Taming of the Shrew but instead of Barca playing the part of Petruchio and Cesc as Katerina, they are actually stuck in the introduction. Barcelona are the drunken tinker Sly.

Now, kiss me Cesc.

46 Comments on Beware the teats of Barca, the milk's gone bad.

  1. those c**ts at barca-hope we draw them in champs league & give them a right royal shafting-now that would be justice!!!

  2. non-stop tapping up of pretty much every player in the history of mankind, and especially Arsenal players???

    we can say the same thing about wenger..he is always looking to buy youngsters from barca..which i understand why..

    but he’s playing dirty, offering money to kids who should have patience..as not everyone turns out to be like cesc..
    most of them dont live up to the expectations..

    • I love the idea that you could equate the purchase of Fran Merida and Cesc Fabregas to the constant press manipulation by Barcelona.

      Prior to the transfer, how many times, exactly, did Peter Hill-Wood go to the press and say “Fabregas has Arsenal DNA and he suckles the teat of Arsenal?”

      You do understand what “tapping up” means? Oh wait, you’re a Barca fan, nevermind.

    • Are there no BarcaBastard blogsite for you to go comment on or something. Tell your club to stop tapping up other club’s players and YOU STAY AWAY FROM OTHER CLUB-FAN’S BLOGSITES.

  3. I want to know when they will finally get in trouble for tapping up? Because they are the best team, they get a pass from UEFA or FIFA?

    • @TxGun, Well, to be fair they’re not doing anything illegal (or at least, if they are, it’s not working). Making statements to the press over and over and over again is just annoying, not against the rules, nor should it be.

      At the end of the day they’re not offering him a contract or giving him money under the table, they’re just talking and hoping it’ll unsettle the player and convince the club to sell him to avoid locker room trouble. Wenger played the same game with Chamakh over the summer.

  4. Ah it is you that is the clown. You can keep telling yourself that Cesc will not be coming home but you must face facts he is at your mickey mouse club ( or our feeder club whichever you like ) simply because he can’t get in our first team and when we decide that he can then we will summon him and watch him run. By the way you do know his mother,father,brother and grandparents are all Barca season ticket holders , ya he’s staying at Arse nal alright right till we call him home. Deal with it.

    • @the mighty barca, They’ve been summoning him now for 5 years and he still hasn’t come.

      He’ll go to Barcelona, no doubt, when the time and the money is right, for Arsenal.

      Because he loves Arsenal as much as Barcelona.

      Deal with that.

      • Hello Timmy we have not been summoning him for 5 years now we only let you take him 6 years ago and that was only because we had who is now the best attacking midfielder in the world coming through ( Iniesta ). Look it’s like this he will be coming when we want him and what is worse is he WILL demand to go when it’s made clear to him that we want him and then you can shout abuse at him becuase it WILL get ugly.

          • when he demands a transfer home for a pittance compared to what any other club would pay for him or indeed what he’s worth oh you’ll shout you’ll in fact scream abuse at our cesc and as for the idiot above be careful what you wish for if you are unfortunate enough to draw us do you really expect anything other that an embarrassing hiding ?

    • @the (mighty) shitty-tapper barca: Go train your boys and stop tapping or sneaking to other club blogsites. Go start your own.

  5. It’s not just him though pick any top player in england germany or italy and they would love to play for Barca or failing that real. It’s just better football and they can match top teams in england for wages. Alonso,Ronaldo,Ibra,Benzema,Messi,Iniesta,Xavi next year Cesc,Ribery,Mascherano the list goes on.

    • @the mighty barca,

      You should listen to Hleb. He always wanted to play for Barcelona, so he left Arsenal to do that. He now says that they are just a bunch of dried up whores and it was the worst move he ever made. He wishes that he had stayed at Arsenal and, as a good friend of Cesc, he will no doubt offer that advice.

  6. Arsenal Supporter here….Barca punk, please go away….though you make a few valid points and I do favor Barca, for their football and as antidote to fascist Real Madrid….the fact that you would take pleasure in the way Real is “building” their team seems a bit strange….

    But back to our Cesc. He WAS quite spectacular in the Armenian rain the other night as he was in our last two matches in London. As cheeky brilliant as his goal was, the perfectly weighted ball that forced the penalty (and won the match) was just as good. In my opinion, Cesc has stepped up to a new level because he has gotten to play with his friend/mentor, Rosicky, and he has added Rosicky’s quick, well-timed, reasonably safe, sliding challenges to his bag of tricks. I was concerned when I saw Cesc going in on some of the Armenians, but he looks strong and aware as he’s doing so. Awesome.

    Unfortunately these are the sorts of qualities that Barca need in their MF given just how tiny and fragile their world-class duo (Xavi and Iniesta) are, not to mention little Lionel Messi (woe be unto Barca should any of those three go down–same with us and Arshavin/Rosicky/Cesc). It WILL continue to be ugly. I have no fear about the January window, but what happens in the Spring will be huge for Cesc’s future at Arsenal. At this moment I’m quite hopeful about our chances, especially in the Champion’s League. However, being just a tournament, a key injury or bad call (mixed with a tougher draw–I expect Real or Barca in the quarterfinals which is during the ACN, I believe) could be trouble–but that goes for all the big clubs.

    Obviously, we need to show that we can compete in that competition as well as domestically, although actually bagging the CL or League trophy might suggest that it’s “Job Done,” and be an excuse for leaving. Another key factor is what happens in South Africa. Spain will be the most technically sound team in that competition and if things fall their way it could be a glory filled experience for them. Cesc will play, but maybe not as much as he’d like if Xavi, Iniesta and Senna are all available. If only one of those three can’t play I can truly picture Cesc leading Spain to the title and being their most valuable player (although the strikers will get all the additional silverware). I love Cesc and it’d be great to see, but it also might be too much asking him to return to London in the wake of something like that. On the plus side, in this extremely optimisic scenario, our club would say hello to 50+ mil pounds, and with that money we might be able to offer free rent on a couple of the flats at Highbury for some of the families of the teenage talent we hope to recruit to replace him, etc…..(i.e., it would be hard to take AND harder to say that we weren’t Barca’s Triple A farm team….)

    • @17highburyterrace, Heh heh, Xavi & Iniesta tiny and fragile…Yep, I saw how fragile they were as they ushered in the Treble…While Arsenal and their robust midfield did what exactly?…Refresh my memory how well they’ve been playing or winning trophies?…Exactly.

      I do agree, however, that the OP’s take on Barca vs RM is laughable if not hypocritical…Barca does not unsettle other players on other clubs…They may be viewed as unsettling players like Cesc but from the perspective of the Blaugrana, he IS a Barca player – whether you agree with it or not…Ribery was not unsettled unlike what RM did with him and CR at ManYoo.

      Barca is a class club

      • @FCBarca, As Arsene Wenger once said, Everybody thinks they have the prettiest wife at home. Just because you refuse to see the blatant unsettling of players like Mascherano, Ribery, and Fabregas (who, whatever your deluded minds are convinced of, IS an Arsenal player right now) by your precious “classy” little club, doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

        I say this having followed Barca as my second team since Begiristain was still actually playing and not just running his mouth. I wasn’t even that upset at the CL loss in 06. But do try to realize that your shit stinks just like everybody else’s.

        • @b,

          Last I checked, Mascherano wanted out not Barca making claims for the player in the press…Personally, Mascherano would be surplus, so hardly a case of unsettling.

          Ribery, it has been well documented that the only ones unsettling the player had been RM…Not Barac…Txiki’s comments simply bellied what was said last season, that IF the player is up for sale, Barca will get first crack

          Cesc & Merida, as was the case with Pique, are Barca players…Barca youth developed and Barca DNA…No two ways about it…You call it unsettling, I call it returning for the players that were poached

      • Hmmmmmmmmmmmm…
        Sounds like somebody isn’t happy with the players they’ve had the sense to hold onto. Cesc is not and has never been a Barca 1st team player. He was not poached, approached in violation of fifa standards, or “tapped up”. Cesc (Have a seat Barca fans) was discovered; rotting in a system that offered him no promise of meaningful experience for the better part of a 5 years. He made his decision, popped the teat out of his mouth, and became the most influential player in one of the top ten clubs in the world. I can do nothing but admire the football on display at the Nou Camp, and can summon nothing but respect for the players who take the field week in and out. But for the Blaugranas supporters I reserve no small amount of pity. Here you find yourselves in one of the most rich periods in your club’s history (Which with your club’s history is truly saying something), and all you can muster is talk of nipples and the teenage wonder who got away….

        Fucking priceless!

  7. Give up Iniesta and 45 million Euros and Cesc is yours.

    Seems about equal to giving Inter Eto’o and 45 million Euros for Ibrahimovic, no?

  8. Gooners simply have to come to an understanding that when you poach, expect that to come back to haunt you…Cesc is a Barca player essentially being loaned out to Arsenal…Now that UEFA/FIFA are tackling the issue of poaching altogether, Arsene et al will have to learn how to develop talent without taking it from other youth academies (i.e. La Masia).

    • @FCBarca,

      With your logic, Messi should be returned to his orignal club too, he’s not even Spanish or from Barcelona. You “poached” him from a young age.
      I respect Barcelona a lot for their philosophy in developing players and flowing attacking football. What you don’t understand about English clubs is that the English FA is complete rubbish especially with their 90 minute rule, which makes attracting talent extremely difficult because you have such a small pool of players for you to choose from and when you have a number of clubs competing for the same talents. You should really understand English football more before you comment on it. I’m sure most gooners accept the fact that Cesc will go back to Barca one day, we just hope before he goes back, he can help Arsenal win something.

      • @PP, Not sure why English fans would continue to utter such nonsense.

        Messi was never ‘bought’…He was brought to the academy to play football when he was 13…Newells boys didn’t want him nor did Boca..Why?…They didn’t want to flip the bill for his medical payments…Barca obliged…Big difference, son.

  9. I wonder just how long Barça and their pretty football would last if they had to go to the north of England in February, or play 4 games in twelve days during Christmas/New Year’s time. I wonder how nice their passing would be if the refereeing would be a little more lenient, or if the ground is less than perfect. These are conditions that Arsenal have had to deal with year in and year out and I doubt that the culés (asswipes?) would do as well.

    One of the things that caught my attention about the Cesc situation was that Wenger became really interested in Fábregas when the latter stated his intent to say no to Barça as a 16 year old. Wenger says that he found that to be the real extraordinary thing about the boy.

    Barcelona’s sycophants understand that to be the real issue. This is the kid who had the audacity to say no to them. The fact that he turns out to be the best of his generation (quick, was Xavi this good at 22, at 20 or 17? makes it even more galling. They don’t need him,they make that perfectly clear. But they have to have him because no one who started in their academy can be allowed to succeed to this degree outside their orbit.

    That Cesc succeeded is a testament to Arsene Wenger’s ability and daring. Cesc, had he stayed at Barcelona would have been another Iván de la Peña. Local boy who made good and was patient and waited his turn. Then a couple of coaches came by who didn’t like him and his career has been basically wasted. Cesc knew this and had the balls to take a chance. And look where he is now. I watched in horror as he and Xavi took over the Estonia match on Saturday. Why in horror? Because those Barça elitists who have to have Cesc now, but only to warm up the bench may have been reconsidering their position. Yes, the two of them can play together. Now. So let’s get him, now.

    Well, Cesc said fuck off six years ago, and I think he’ll say fuck off for the next six years as well. As long as Arsene Wenger is managing Arsenal, Cesc is going nowhere. Deal with it. Asswipes.

    • @Aabaxe,

      Always amusing to me to hear English fans wum about because they can’t outplay Barca…That they don’t have the technical skills to outpass them on the park and then go on about how Barca would surely fail if the elements were tougher and it was frigid cold etc…In other words, anything non-football related to ‘even’ the playing field for opponents of Barca.

      Sounds a lot like haters to me.

      Cesc fuck off 6 years ago because he’d be on the bench as he would be at the moment, as well…Who would he displace currently?…Iniesta or Xavi?…He can’t do that with the Furia Roja let alone Barca…Messi?…Exactly.

      I see Cesc as the heir to Xavi which is why I see him coming in ’10 or ’11…Xavi has a lot of mileage in him but isn’t slowing down yet…He’ll be 30 this season which means the window is closing for him, hence the call for Cesc.

      Gooners and Premiership fans should be more concerned about developing their own players…As I said, UEFA/FIFA will be changing those advantages that have reaped benefits to the EPL for some time now…Now you’ll have to see your academies develop on your own

      • @FCBarca, The Arsenal academy system has produced what many consider to be the best English talent of their generation in Wilshere and Gibbs.

        As has been pointed out, but which you fail to admit, Arsenal are hampered by the British “90 minute rule” which states that an academy player must live within 90 minutes of the academy. So, your academy, which steals players from Argentina, has a huge advantage. Arsenal have to wait until a player is 16 to bring them in, at that point then then pay a transfer fee. Whereas Barcelona are free to take the Messi’s of the world.

        But, hey, I don’t expect you to make sense. Like I said in the article, you and the Barca hierarchy are like a bunch of drunken comedians.

        • @Tim,

          Well done, two players from the youth academy…In all these years, two players…Two have yet to hit the world stage, btw.

          When the rules change to prevent poaching, then youths from around the globe can come to academies like Arsenal’s or ManYoo’s or anywhere else once Britain tackles that issue…You think they’re going to sit back while they lose their poaching advantage?…No, they’ll be looking around the globe, as well.

          Clever but false to continually refer to Messi as stolen at 13…When no one wanted him.

          Barca develops world class players, face it…You know it because you’re captain is one of those

          • @FCBarca, The captain of Arsenal is the player he is today because of the chances he got at Arsenal, not because Barcelona stole him from Mataro and had him in their academy for 3 years.

            Would Barcelona have played Cesc in the Champions League at age 17?

            Exactly.

            Also, in the face of overwhelming hypocricy, thick headed pig-oafishness, Adebayorism, and general cocksandwichtude, you are now on the spam filter.

            Enjoy!

  10. Let’s be honest here, Gooners…The real reason many of you are all worked up is because of two realities.

    One, you know the player is yours simply due to the ability of Premiership clubs to poach and circumvent labor laws in countries like Spain & Italy…Not for much longer however.

    Two, he’s a culé…He’s Barcelona born & bred…It’s not even necessary for Barca to openly call for him, he’s calling for home too…What will you all say when he actually calls for the move?…Because as far as I’m concerned, if he isn’t interested in coming back, let ’em stay or go somewhere else…But deep down, we all know where he wants to play…That reality will be better understood/known soon enough

    • @FCBarca, right and getting Messi over from Argentina at 13 was a humanitarian mission.

      I love the bald-faced hypocricy of a supporter from a team which gets 13 year olds from around the world and wants to enslave them to clubs for life, complaining that Arsenal “poached” Cesc.

      You, sir, are a fucktard. A thick as pig shit fucktard.

  11. I just had a thought,if he comes he comes and if he doesn’t then fuk it I trust Pep to keep on winning titles anyway with or without Cesc. Enjoy !

  12. @FCBarca

    No, I don’t hate. It takes a lot of work to do so. I actually love the way Barça plays, and not because many of their players either made their names at Highbury or failed to make it there. I love the playing philosophy, which is identical to Arsene Wenger’s.

    But it is naive to think that things like playing surface and climate don’t affect a club’s football. Arsenal don’t do as well when they play in the northeast because the grounds are full of bumps and the defenders play quicker and harder than anywhere in Europe. How do you think Barça would have done in the last two years if Messi’s fate had been the same as Eduardo’s or Xavi’s the same as Rosicki, or Puyol the same as Gallas? No, they would’ve never won a thing either.

    And as you say, Cesc would be a bench warmer at Nou Camp right now, which is preposterous to anyone but those who think that Ibrahimovic is worth Etoo plus 50 mil. Which takes us to your really asinine assertion that Arsenal doesn’t develop its own players, as if Barça always does (Romario, Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, Cruyff, Maradona, Etoo, et al anyone?) . I don’t have to mention the ones Arsene made that ended up playing for you, so I’ll go into some of the players we have now. Cesc, regardless of what you think, was developed into a professional by Wenger, and so was Clichy, (and Ashley Cole, as much as that pains me), Alexandre Song, Denilson, Bendtner et al. And I challenge you to name one player that Barça has under age 20 as talented as Jack Wilshere.

    We can go on forever like this, so I’ll end it this way. Steve Jobs once said that the problem with Microsoft was that they had no class. As classy as Barça was when it had Cruyff, it has none of that class now, its pretty football notwithstanding. It is a crass organization that uses its socios and the ethnic identity of its regional supporters and their legitimate sociopolitical concerns for crass ends. You have no class, and you may not have any until you change the way you elect your presidents. That’s what Francesc Fábregas is saying no to and that’s what we gooners, as amusing and delusional we may seem to you, can’t stand about you.

  13. @the mighty barca
    Why do you have to be such a hard ass going on to other club blogs? You guys are the best club in the world now and the only thing we’re complaining about is the constant tapping up of Cesc who is our captain. I have no doubt 1 day he’ll be wearing barca colours because he has stated he wants to return to his home club to finish his career, so why cant barca accept that and just stay out of the media regarding him or atleast do it within the transfer window. There’s a difference saying “we’re interested in him” and “he’s sucked barca’s footballing tit and will return to his true mother one day”

  14. Berguiristain as King Laius, (Joan) Laporta as Queen Jocasta and Fabregas as Oedipus sucking on Barcelona’s teat. Looks like a tragedy to me FCBarca 🙂

  15. FCBarca, what is the the current market value for a world class top 5 attacking midfielder who just signed an 8yr contract extension. I believe the minimum bid is 65mil. “Show me the money”. Lump sum. Up front. Sell on clauses and first refusal as well. Signing deadline. You pay the loyalty fee. We also get to our pick of 2 academy players. We also get a percentage of the merchandising sales over a 5 yr period. All Barcelona have to do is say yes and Fabregas is on the plane 😉

    Put up or shut up.

  16. FCBarca is wrong to say that no one else wanted Messi: Wenger wanted him. But that apart, what FCBarca is saying doesn’t seem that controversial to me. Of course Cesc will go back to Barca one day, and most Arsenal supporters know this and don’t hold it against him. End of discussion, you’d think. So why all the name-calling (shitty-tapper, pigshit fucktard etc.)? I hate name-calling; reading it feels like eavesdropping on a playground of smutty, cretinous five-year-olds, but if some people enjoy it and prefer it to a discussion of the principles at stake, why threaten the Barca fan with the spam filter? Surely without him there’d be nothing to say?

    • I don’t disagree w/ you but what exactly did FCBarca say of note. Nothing new but he made himself the bait in a bear trap. I prefer to take note of him burying his boy Xavi. Iniesta while a nice player is not even a pimple on Fabregas’s butt. Hence Barcelona’s management and their syncophants in the Spanish media are desperate to get Fabregas because they have nothing in their pipeline. I say to FCBarca keep that ‘gun’ in your pocket or be prepared to spend an amount you thought Real Madrid was lunatic to spend.

  17. I find it supremely amusing that Barcelona now find them selves in the most rich period in the club’s history (which given Barca’s history is really saying something), and all the fuckers can muster is talk of nipples and the wonderboy who got away….

    Fucking Priceless!

  18. barca doesnt put such young boys in a champions league match at that age because they are not ready for it..arsene does, and i like it but its not gonna get you results..
    barca on the other hand slowly develops them..
    in england you guys might not know, but we have a few under 20 players that are talented and are gonna be first teamers within 5years..
    jonathan dos santos, muniesa, fontas, gai assuilin, thiago etc. these players wont take cesc’s short cut route and instead develop slowly..and because they develop together, they will have a chemistry like the current barca side has..
    arsenal can do the same thing, but they keep selling players..

    • @barca96, Is that develop slowly like age cheese or moldy bread? Since people are not inanimate objects, they will develop at their own variable pace. You cannot keep them locked away in some Catalan cellar growing like mushrooms in the dark and dank recesses.

  19. ctpa yes and no..
    you are right. it depends on the players pace
    but most of the time its not good,
    look what happened to francis jeffers, walcott, owen etc
    play too much at a young age…
    and look at xavi, iniesta, puyol
    develop them slowly
    cesc, rooney, ronaldo(original) are special players
    thats why they manage to hold on..week in week out

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