Journalists Unearth The Arsenal Hoard

Following closely on the discovery of the remarkable Staffordshire Hoard, which is widely considered the most remarkable discovery of 7th Century Anglo-Saxon rich people’s stuff  ever, Journalists have unearthed a find that they are tentatively calling “The Arsenal Hoard.” The most significant discovery of mid 2000’s Arsenal footballers in, literally, months.

The Arsenal Hoard’s main three pieces are a creaky-kneed cup winning holding midfielder and legendary Arsenal captain which they are calling “Patrick Vieira,” a former England international center back and walkabout champion which had been last seen spotted in the hands of wealthy Notts County financiers and which is known as “Sol Campbell,” and a Bigfoot-film-esque grainy video of the once feared red-hair-striped Norse attacking midfielder which legend has it was named “Freddie Ljungberg.”

The first discovery, Patrick Vieira, has long been rumored to be kicking around the parlors of the mega-rich in Milan and was most recently the surprise target of Twitchy Harry Hotspur, who wanted to put him in his hospital ward next to his Ledley King. That deal fell through when it was revealed that Harry Hotspur’s twitch is so great that Lloyds wouldn’t insure anything so fragile as this ancient Vieira in his hands. Now it’s almost certain that mega-rich Russian Oligarch Roman Abramovich is going to add the Vieira to his vast collection overpriced antiques. There is some debate among rich art lovers whether the Vieira would actually be a bigger prize than Roman’s world famous £30m Shevchenko.

Meanwhile, the Campbell, which has quite the dodgy history, was lost to it’s original collector Harry Hotspur when it was stolen by rival London collector, Arsenal. Arsenal, in turn, lost this once highly valued item when it was plucked from the dressing room and whisked away to Belgium during half-time of a West Ham v. Arsenal match. The Campbell briefly re-appeared for a Champions League final before being shipped off to Lord Pompey on the South Coast of England amid rumors that it was going to some Continental collectors. The Campbell then knocked about in Pompey’s dusty attic until it recently, and most unexpectedly, re-appeared in the hands of shady collectors at Notts County which sought to make the Campbell their prized collectible alongside their well worn Ericksson. As has happened so many times with this fragile piece, it slipped from the hands of its new owners and is now rumored to be re-surfacing in the hands of the Arsenal in order to put some spit and polish on the item for re-sale at auction this January: Caveat Emptor, this piece has vanished right from under its owner’s nose more times than the Maltese Falcon.

The final piece is a great Norse God-like item which legend has it once used the boot of Thor to score a goal in the FA Cup Final between Arsenal and Chelsea. That said, the Ljungberg (as it is known) is purely a legend and no actual evidence of its existence has ever been scientifically documented. The most recently updated story has it that this artifact is in the Rainforests of the Pacific Northwest of the United States. Repeated attempts by this author to verify this have been met with the same type of obfuscation and redirection normally reserved for that other Northwest legend, Bigfoot. This video supposedly shows Ljungberg in clearing in the forest, but experts are saying that the video has been “photoshopped, you can tell by the pixels.” Judge for yourself.

Whatever the truth, and wherever they may find a final resting place, these three important pieces of mid-2000’s footballing artistry will always capture the imagination of collectors and enthusiasts alike. “The Arsenal Horde Hoard” indeed represents the most significant Journalistic discovery since Joan Laporta’s proclamation that Cesc Fabregas will be signing for Barcelona, imminently.

15 Comments on Journalists Unearth The Arsenal Hoard

  1. well done sir!
    a brilliant and mind-numbingly useless start to the day…
    thank you, it was read your blog or fire up the old opium pipe, and i chose you tim. i chose you… haha
    don’t injure yourself during the interlull…
    speaking of injuries… did anyone see the story about new Portsmouth owner wanting Rafa to coach his garbage?
    http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2009/oct/07/football-transfer-rumours-rafael-benitez-portsmouth

    best quote:
    “Yes, the Spaniard who bought Jan Kromkamp, Josemi and Bolo Zenden, and replaced Xabi Alonso with and an Italian urban legend, is exactly the man you’d want in charge of an £80m transfer kitty.”

    keep up the good work

    • @Xabier, I should have run with the devastatingly incisive and infamously witty “Cesc to Barcelona” story, written as a sonnet. That would have done the trick.

      Happy Interlull To All!

  2. Suspect Arsenal Hoard similar to Old Highbury Lode (or is that Load).
    The Vieira, or the second Turin Shroud is something of a mystery, and may appear as a possible source of miracles to those blinded by their faith.

    The Sol of Campbell has been denied as treasure trove, and cannot be exhibited in any premier display, or museum, until questions of provenance can be satifactorily answered. According to previous statements on this matter the only options for display may be Queens Park Rangers, or Queen of the South.

    The Long Boat of Ljungberg is, as stated, poorly evidenced in grainy pictures, of suspect origin. Clearly the trolls or pixies have been superimposed after the event, and the UFO’s have been cropped out to increase credibility. Suggest Subuteo players have been touched-up to provide lifelike figures, Any expert will tell you that the proportions between the trees, the humanoids, and the grass are completely out of ratio. Nice try, now lets get back to Roswell and reality.

    Viva!

  3. LOL 😆 Nice one Tim, well written and witty.

    Vieria to Chelsea, Sol back at Arsenal, interesting. Time will will tell if there is any foundation to these rumours, but both seem plausible.

  4. Hey all. I will be travelling to the United states in a week’s time, specifically Buffalo, New York. I would greatly appreciate it if someone could tell me which channel broadcasts the Arsenal games. Cheers

    • @Tony D’souza, this page on the blog usually has the listings

      http://www.7amkickoff.com/arsenal-on-telly-2009/

      So, for Birmingham you can only see it on Setanta in the US.

      Since most folks don’t pay the extra monthly fee to have that channel, Setanta has a convenient Venue Finder which helps you find a place to watch:

      http://www.setanta.com/us/TV-Listings/Venue-Finder2/

      Looks like this is your best bet

      Bar/Venue Niagra Rugby Club
      Address 432 Kaymar Dr
      City Amherst, NY 14228
      Phone 716-435-0632
      Distance 9.13 miles (approx.) [map]

      • @Tim, @Tony, Check this link out “http://seattlepitch.tripod.com/publist/south1.htm”. I didnt put this one up so don’t blame me if the pub they say hosts EPL matches doesn’t even exist. (They claimed 2 pubs in Athens aired EPL games but when I got there the building had been razed. Go figure!!)
        But worth a try.

      • @Tim This doesn’t look very encouraging. Looks like I’ll have to have at least 3 channels to see all the games. The apartment I’ll be staying in has been arranged by my company along with the cable service providers, so I dont know what package I will have. Fingers crossed, I get Setanta.

        • Most basic cable packages have ESPN2 and Fox Sports Net. Most extended cable packages now days have Fox Soccer Channel. It’s Setanta that you’ll have to go to a local bar for. That link I provided will give you the closest local pub that carries Setanta.

          Good Luck!

  5. Also, very nice article, I read regularly, but don’t post. It’s nice to get an American perspective on our great club.

Comments are closed.