Following closely on the discovery of the remarkable Staffordshire Hoard, which is widely considered the most remarkable discovery of 7th Century Anglo-Saxon rich people’s stuff ever, Journalists have unearthed a find that they are tentatively calling “The Arsenal Hoard.” The most significant discovery of mid 2000’s Arsenal footballers in, literally, months.
The Arsenal Hoard’s main three pieces are a creaky-kneed cup winning holding midfielder and legendary Arsenal captain which they are calling “Patrick Vieira,” a former England international center back and walkabout champion which had been last seen spotted in the hands of wealthy Notts County financiers and which is known as “Sol Campbell,” and a Bigfoot-film-esque grainy video of the once feared red-hair-striped Norse attacking midfielder which legend has it was named “Freddie Ljungberg.”
The first discovery, Patrick Vieira, has long been rumored to be kicking around the parlors of the mega-rich in Milan and was most recently the surprise target of Twitchy Harry Hotspur, who wanted to put him in his hospital ward next to his Ledley King. That deal fell through when it was revealed that Harry Hotspur’s twitch is so great that Lloyds wouldn’t insure anything so fragile as this ancient Vieira in his hands. Now it’s almost certain that mega-rich Russian Oligarch Roman Abramovich is going to add the Vieira to his vast collection overpriced antiques. There is some debate among rich art lovers whether the Vieira would actually be a bigger prize than Roman’s world famous £30m Shevchenko.
Meanwhile, the Campbell, which has quite the dodgy history, was lost to it’s original collector Harry Hotspur when it was stolen by rival London collector, Arsenal. Arsenal, in turn, lost this once highly valued item when it was plucked from the dressing room and whisked away to Belgium during half-time of a West Ham v. Arsenal match. The Campbell briefly re-appeared for a Champions League final before being shipped off to Lord Pompey on the South Coast of England amid rumors that it was going to some Continental collectors. The Campbell then knocked about in Pompey’s dusty attic until it recently, and most unexpectedly, re-appeared in the hands of shady collectors at Notts County which sought to make the Campbell their prized collectible alongside their well worn Ericksson. As has happened so many times with this fragile piece, it slipped from the hands of its new owners and is now rumored to be re-surfacing in the hands of the Arsenal in order to put some spit and polish on the item for re-sale at auction this January: Caveat Emptor, this piece has vanished right from under its owner’s nose more times than the Maltese Falcon.
The final piece is a great Norse God-like item which legend has it once used the boot of Thor to score a goal in the FA Cup Final between Arsenal and Chelsea. That said, the Ljungberg (as it is known) is purely a legend and no actual evidence of its existence has ever been scientifically documented. The most recently updated story has it that this artifact is in the Rainforests of the Pacific Northwest of the United States. Repeated attempts by this author to verify this have been met with the same type of obfuscation and redirection normally reserved for that other Northwest legend, Bigfoot. This video supposedly shows Ljungberg in clearing in the forest, but experts are saying that the video has been “photoshopped, you can tell by the pixels.” Judge for yourself.
Whatever the truth, and wherever they may find a final resting place, these three important pieces of mid-2000’s footballing artistry will always capture the imagination of collectors and enthusiasts alike. “The Arsenal Horde Hoard” indeed represents the most significant Journalistic discovery since Joan Laporta’s proclamation that Cesc Fabregas will be signing for Barcelona, imminently.