Good News, Everyone! Walcott, Cesc, Fergie, Allardyce, and Citeh, oh my!

Good morning, quick trip through the “News of the League” reveals that after Arsenal’s 6-2 stomping of Blackburn on Sunday, it’s more good news for the Arsenal. Let’s get stuck in.

Walcott Won’t Get Injured This Week

After Sunday, I was praying to the gods that I would be gifted the opportunity to watch some crappy internet stream of Theo Walcott getting injured against perennial footballing powerhouses Belarus and Ukraine. Unfortunately, my prayers went unanswered as the current God of English Football — Fabio Capello — has chosen instead to go with the in form, and much more eyebrow stripey, Aaron Lennon over Theo Walcott.

I guess Theo will have to just work harder and score loads of goals in the league to get in the National team. Either that or go on loan to AC Milan like David Beckham does!

Cesc Kisses-off Barcelona

He may have “Barcelona genes” but for the time being he certainly has an Arsenal shirt, erm, in his mouth.

Yesterday’s badge kissing was a public display of affection for the club, and a not too subtle “fuck you” to the press who continue to speculate that Cesc is leaving. There is no doubt that completely unlike Adebayor’s badge kiss, which he did in a meaningless match, after scoring a penalty, and after a summer where he vacillated between interviews saying he had no plans of leaving Arsenal and that he was happy to be moving on (sometimes in a span of minutes, LITERALLY), Cesc’s badge kiss was a genuine display of affection, nay loyalty, to this club. Still, the press have to twist it! My favorite twist is over at the Telegraph where they compare Sunday’s display to John Terry, Thierry Henry, and Adebayor in order to claim that Cesc is certainly leaving.

When I saw their headline, I literally LOLed.

The FA to Grow a Pair?

This morning it has been announced that the FA are going to think about maybe looking into having a discussion about forming a committee to look into whether they should look into Fergie’s outrageous comments that Alan Wiley was “unfit” to be a referee and (comically) that he didn’t add enough time on to the already comical 4 minutes of Old Trafford time. This blogger expects at most a strongly worded letter along the lines of:

“Dear Lord High Ferguson The Most Exalted,

We hope that this epistle finds you adequately healthy and are sorry for the inconvenience of straining your eyes with our words. Please, in the future, could you possibly refrain from speaking ill of our referees in public and instead just send a messenger to our London office? It would save us all a spot of bother when we do your bidding and fire the referee.

For the record, we are happy to report that we did find Alan Wiley guilty of both of your charges A) not adding the correct amount of time to the end of the game (the correct amount being “enough for you to win”) and B) being fat and slovenly.

His head has been dispatched from his neck, your Worship, and he will bother you no longer.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, Love and Kisses, The FA.”

Meanwhile Sam Allardyce, who called for a referee to be fired, will actually be shot to death by a firing squad of 21 blind cripples.

Justice will not be stopped!

Citeh to play Aston Villa today, how many times will Ade kiss the City badge?

The dreadfully pompous Moneybags City take their sideshow circus of miscreants and criminals down the road to last year’s top four challengers Aston Villa. It should prove to be a fiery match with Villa and City having exchanged captains in the off season, and what with City having an entire team of utter cunts (except you Kolo, we still love you!).

7amkickoff’s odds for this match are as follows:

1-1 Adebayor offside 3X or more
1-4 Craig Bellamy gets angry about something
1-100 Gareth Barry is booed and after the match goes out and buys a City Blue Bentley to soothe his conscience

Honestly, I’ll be rooting for Aston Villa, they are a nice enough team, ably managed as they are by that Irish guy, ole what’s his name. And besides which they aren’t Man City which is enough reason to root for them — it’s like rooting against the Yankees, the Patriots, and SerenaVenus Williams all at the same time!


That’s it for today, why are you still here? Oh, you want my prediction of who is going to win the league, who will be relegated, and who will comprise the top four? You’ll have to check back in tomorrow for those bits.


  1. I was looking forward to the rematch w/ Big Eck’s crew of thugs. After yesterday’s game I’m starting to drool w/ anticipation. Big Eck is playing 4-5-1 and having to fend off the critics that he is not playing “negative” football. Tsk, tsk. Lee Bowyer in support of Garry O’Connor is not, I repeat not negative football 😉

  2. I seriously doubt much if SA Faggot will get what he deserves. The FA are too much a bunch of ass-lickers to be effective. Walru-dyce may just get some slap on the wrist so as not to make people question why SA Faggot got away with murder yet again.

    If Aston Villa gets a win over Citeh, it will be so sweet, but who knows with those incompetents.

    The ‘Shit’ papers may write whatever they want. I do not care about their opinion.

  3. You know, it’s funny how everyone cheers against Serena, Venus, the Yankees, and the Patriots, but everyone happily cheers for Tiger Woods. Hmph.

    Anyway, this team really is something special. They have put those hiccups in Manchester behind them and will be challenging for all sorts of silverware this season. I get more and more excited each day.

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