Confused Christiano Ronaldo Allows Woman to Sniff Him After Practice

The "Ronaldo hair joke" the lowest hanging fruit of all jokes, hey I can't be full on red hot maximum at all times, can I?

Yesterday, as £80m world record signing Christiano Ronaldo and his new Real Madrid teammates were put through their paces in Ireland, a woman stood among other people and waited for an opportunity to have her picture taken with any and/or all of Los Galacticos Dos.

As practice wound down, a clearly confused Ronaldo wandered too near the cougar den and suddenly was accosted by Aoife Finneran who, with cell phone cam at the ready, thrust her head near the mega-super-star and screamed “SAY CHEESE!”

Afterwards, Aoife, described the experience thus:

As he neared me I could see his rippling muscles, his confident swagger, the swagger of a man who’s wallet is so thick you could club baby seals with it. As he approached I think he sensed the danger and flinched as if to flee but my cat-link instincts took over and I pounced. As I thrust my head into the frame of the photograph, I noticed that he smelled of lovemaking and raindrops. It was the most sublime experience of my life. I tried to bite his neck and go for the kill but he escaped by quickly falling over and clutching his ankle — dead animal pose stops a cougar every time.

A clearly shaken Ronaldo was immediately whisked off to the first aid tent where he received some water, a hair cut, and a pedicure. He’s said to be recovering in hospital and should be fully recouperated in the morning, after a hot bath, with fresh flowers, and bubbles.

Going once, going twice…

Meanwhile, Arsenal super star and the world’s most wifi-enabled player, Emmanuel Adebayor was reportedly being offered by Arsenal to every other team on the planet, but most notably to Manchester United. Pundits believe the move by Arsene Wenger is in retaliation for Ferguson giving Arsenal Silvestre last year.

The player, who is widely recognized as a “tender and considerate lover,” is currently mulling over his options in the Algave, sipping Sancerre. The sticking point seems to be that he loves Arsenal and Arsenal supporters so much that £170,000 a week, making him briefly the highest paid player in the EPL (until City sign Terry next week), is not enough to prise him from the warm embrace of his beloved Arsenal.

Coincidentally, that the exact plot line from The Merchant of Venice, from whence this quote floweth

What’s here? the portrait of a blinking idiot,
Presenting me a schedule! I will read it.
How much unlike art thou to Portia Adebayor!
How much unlike my hopes and my deservings!
“Who chooseth me shall have as much as he deserves”!
Did I deserve no more than a fool’s head?
Is that my prize? Are my deserts no better?

It is, perhaps, one of The Bard’s finest tragedies.

David Beckham Eats Dedication and Craps MLS Teams

A clearly remorseful David Beckham was interviewed yesterday and when asked how he felt about leaving his teammates for six months while he pursued the dream of being part of the England World Cup squad, he responded with tears in his eyes:

I think what you’ve seen is that I’ve been very dedicated to the Galaxy, dedicated to the fans. I’ve always been committed to every contract I’ve ever had, and that hasn’t changed. I’m a very committed person. If people want to question my commitment and my professionalism, the fact that I’m willing to travel thousands of miles to play for my country says it all.

I hate to editorialize in the middle of such a serious column, but I have to agree with David here; nothing says “honoring your committments” and “dedication to the cause” like leaving your team on a loan and promising to return when your team’s season starts up again, and then negotiating a special loan deal to extend your stay at the other team, then when their season is over, reluctantly re-joining the team you are contracted to half way through their season.

Beckham saves his most scathing criticism, however, for people who say he hasn’t helped American Soccer while on loan in Italy:

What I’ve done for the league so far has been very successful, I’ve had a successful effect on the game here. You know, there are eight new franchises coming into the league, new stadiums going up (and) attendances, wherever we’ve played as a team. If you look at the attendances we have had throughout the seasons, there’s not many Premiership (teams) that get the average attendance that we’ve had, excluding Manchester United and Arsenal and teams like that.

It’s true, in his brief stint in America, all 26 games, Beckham has been extremely effective. He has swept through the land and like a modern day Johnny Appleseed, crapping out stadiums and teams left and right. Moreover, excluding Arsenal and Man U, the Galaxy’s attendance is better than 7 of the 20 teams in the EPL; edging out West Bromwich Albion by just over 180 folks per game.

It’s clearly a footballing revolution when the biggest name in world football can go to a city of 10million souls and draw nearly the same attendance as a Stoke-on-Trent with their massive population of 240,000.

Another Shakespeare play comes to mind here, I don’t remember the name right now, but I think it’s the one about hubris.

Thank you for bringing football to America, David!


  1. There is clearly something wrong with Beckham. How can anyone refuse to be photographed with Angelina Jolie only wearing underwears?!

  2. I don’t blame Beckham for wanting to enhance his chance to play for his country. I have always praised the dedication of American athletes when representing their country. If an English man tries to put himself in a position that ensures he’s in the running to represent the country he loves, I find nothing wrong with that. Beckham has always been a man who conducts himself well. That a situation arises at the Galaxy is only caused by his desire to represent his country, not greed. he would have had to take less money if he had stayed at AC Milan.

    BTW, Read this Arsenal fans:

    1. @Maxi, Hi Chris, you can keep coming here and saying the same thing over and over. Providing all with ample evidence of your erudition. But from now on I’m stripping the link to your blog from your comments.


    1. @Nimz, I supposed I should make up speculation like “ECKLUSEVE: ARS3N4L WILL SIGNZ0RZ VUICINICH!!!!”

      Then I will truly have arrived as a blog.

  3. Latest rumor from Sky Sports has Ade possibly rejecting the medical offer? He apparently feels that people in Togo will feel that he is a money grubbing whore. No lie, check the Sky Sports website.

  4. To be honest Tim, I’m worn out from all this crap, personally all I want is Ade gone and Huntelaar in, but that’s not gonna happen, Wenger will go for the awesomely poor scoring record of Chamakh the guy who is the same age as Huntelaar, perhaps I’m missing something but was I the only one to notice that our attacking style (impotence) of fast paced fluid movement and concise passing was completely ineffectual against the defensive minded teams last season? Isn’t that exactly the type of game where goal poaching, box dominating strikers like Huntelaar excel?

    It saddens me that I will not get to see a Bendtner/Huntelaar partnership create havok against teams that fill the box with 10 players, with service from Arshavin, Fabregas, Rosicky, Nasri and to a lesser extent Clichy and Sagna. I truly can’t imagine any team holding out against such a relentless and potent attacking force. Instead I’m preparing myself for the arrival of yet another untested striker to compliment a counter attacking style against teams that don’t actually attack and yet another season of passing the ball in the every direction except into the box in the hopes that an opposition player might fall asleep.

    There will be no good news transfers wise for the rest of the summer, I’m sure of that. I’m also sure that at least two of our vital players will recieve long term injuries before the season even starts. That is after all the Arsenal way.

    Sometimes I wish I was an Everton fan ;), they always seem to punch well above their weight and their fanbase don’t seem to be as as fickle with tabloid induced opinions and unforgiving to the point of loathing every little mistake a player makes.

    1. @Bongo, Arsenal have a goal poacher: Eduardo. He’s one the many reasons to be excited about this season.

      The year before Henry left, it was clear to many that Arsenal needed a goal poacher, that “fox in the box” that left when Pires bogged off to Villareal. I have no doubt that’s why he bought Eduardo.

      Then, due to the outrageous tackle by Martin Taylor, Eduardo never was given a chance to fully get his legs in the EPL.

      Now, Arsene Wenger sees Dudu every day in practice, has physios assessing him at every turn and if he decides that Dudu can’t do the job, I have no doubt he will replace him.

      He sees what you see, that type of player is indespensible on this type of team. But if he doesn’t buy Huntelaar, or similar, it will be because he thinks Dudu can do it.

      Which will be a great story.

      Don’t get too worked up over it all, let Wenger do his thing. He’ll sort it out!

      1. @Tim,
        I hope you’re right Tim, your optimism is refreshing, perhaps all this extra training Diaby has been doing to improve his power and strength will work out and he’ll become a force next season too.

        I have to say the fact he’s willing to put in so much effort to improve and fight for his place is a breath of fresh air, I hope he’s successful.

      2. @Tim, I love Dudu I have to say he is more than just a poacher cos he does more than his share of setting up plays. Ofcourse his finishing is clinical as well. However it’s not just about how good/clinical Dudu is. Ade brings a different dimension to the game, and gives us an option to make a more direct apporach. Huntelaar may not be as physical as Ade, but at 6’1″, he certainly fills up some of the void that Ade’s possible departure will create. Huntelaar is also good in the air, finishes well, has a habit of being in the right place at the right time and already has an understanding with RVP. We certainly would need to address the stiker situation if Ade leaves. Otherwise we are left with:

        Eduardo (awesome finishing, creates plays, but yet to finish one complete season with us and fitness may be an issue)

        RVP (good support striker, but inconsistent as a striker and injury prone)

        Bendtner (yet to prove himself. is this going to be his break out year? who knows?)

        Walcott (hasn’t played this role too much and while Rosicky’s arrival may force wenger’s hand to play walcott as a striker, we still dont know how theo will do in that role)

        Vela (has talent, can score goals but unproven in the premiership and has a long way to go)

        I am convinced about Huntelaar making a good impact for us just like I was about Arshavin back in 2007. Without someone like him, we will lose quite a bit of depth in our attack.

  5. Anyone else starting to contemplate the Ade deal falling through and us getting stuck with him?? Really looking forward to Barnet on saturday,and a first look at Vermaelen

    1. @Gareth26GOONER,
      I don’t see how to be honest, which would be worse for his image in Togo, being seen as a money grabber with the possibility of being successful and building a fanbase at city, or a player relegated to a substitute role who will be booed and jeered consistently until he’s sold at a cut-price rate for less wages to Sunderland in January?

  6. So just a couple years ago Ade was earning 40k a week, then he basically tried to hold us for ransom and Wenger doubled it to 80k a week and now Citeh is trying to pay him150k a week but he wants 170k. Yet he’s having a crisis of conscience because he doesn’t want to look like it’s all about money for him………

    Something in this picture does not belong – can you find it.

  7. Stranger things have happened down the years. Arsenal have plenty of african supporters or fans of african origin.Ade being a twat? It dont matter because they cheer for toure,eboue,djourou,gallas etc it just wouldnt surprise me. You watch city tie up the deal now by this time tomorrow lol oh and HUNTELAAR IN please Arsene,im sure you read this 🙂

  8. The Ronaldo thing almost made me spit my drink out. Please keep that up.

    And Matt, I would be a fool to bet against you. Hell, I’ll bet five bucks he plays for us at least until January. Maybe he’ll put in some effort so Madrid can pay us 40 mil and give him a salary double the GDP of Togo.

    1. @615Gooner,
      LOL that made me spit my drink up. “Ade” and “effort” in the same sentence with the blatant omittance of the word “lack”, now that’s what I call wishful thinking and/or a clever use of sarcasm.

  9. At this point, I think the Ade deal is going to fall through. He’ll come back, say all the right things, promise Wenger a good season, and then, perhaps more privately this go around, ask Wenger to sell him to Barca, where Eto’o will have possibly departed to Man City. Clearly it’s not solely about money. Otherwise, this deal would’ve been put to bed. Ade wants to play for Barca or Milan, a team that people actually care about back in Togo. I’m seeing this as Ade being flattered by City’s offer at first, and then him getting cold feet, thinking himself capable of going to a better club. Kind of like how a guy typically becomes distant when a girl shows too much interest.

    1. @ArseChicago, Ade has always been about himself.
      This delay is all dramatics, show, and just PR tactics. Agree with your comment: Ade
      has a preference to play in Spain or Italy, but no one is showing interest.

      How could he return to Arsenal? He would be eBOOOOOOUeeeed at every touch on the pitch.
      He’s made his bed.

  10. @ Tim. You come up with great blogs always and this would probably rank in the top 5. Great read!

    On Ade:
    Latest rumor is he is holding up from signing @ Man city and still waiting for AC Milan. Keep hoping boy!

  11. Ronaldo (El Horizonte) and girls in close proximity. I thought I saw somewhere he was a man’s man, or that’s what the pics suggested. She must have snuck up on him when his back was turned.

    I think Ade needs to be given what salesman call ‘the alternative close’. Its like this, you can go to ManCiteh for 25 mil and mega money per week, or it’s off to Exeter City, newly promoted to Divi One, on a free one, 500 quid a week, and some private use of the ride-on grass mower. Anyway how many people are there in Togo to care where he plays, and how often is he there to hear them? You can be pretty damned deaf on 150-170k per week.

    Doesn’t old Bill the Quill have a quote for every occasion? He had such a wonderful way with plagiarism.

    I understand all our dreams are to be realized with a new signing, one Veljko Batrovic from FK Bubamara, Serbia. Thought FK might stand for Fotbol Klob our something similar, but now discover that Фудбалски клуб is Serbian for football club. You live and learn. Anyway at 15 years old should slot in to the first team right away.

    I don’t think it will be Chamakh or Huntelaar if the Ade deal goes through. I think Le Boss has other ideas, and just lets everyone pour out their wish lists, and pundit opinions, which muddy the waters and smoke screen his real intent. He neither, denies nor affirms, which seems to me a good bargaining strategy. I can imagine him saying, ‘we really wanted so-and-so, or someone else, but I’ll take xyz off your hands as a favor, knowing secretly that xyz was the target all the time.

    As for David Beckham, he is his own man, and does exactly what Victoria tells him.

    And lastly todays mystery question, whatever happened to Igor Stepanovs?


  12. Adenda
    Looks like young Batrovic maybe from Montenegro, don’t ask, they speak Montenegrin.


  13. Batrovic at just 15 is already being compared to ‘Messi’ in his style of play. I wished the media could forgo the obnoxious short hand desciptions. Just let the kid play and develop as he will without preconceptions to throttle him.

    Adebayor now looks like a parachutist getting cold feet on his first jump. The supporters are pushing because they despise disloyalty, the media are pushing because they need the story to end and Man City are pushing because they can never have too many strikers. Adebayor is holding on so tightly to the plane door that his hands are turning ‘white’.

    Adebayor is really thinking about how he can save face in this situation he and his people created. Unfortunately, Adebayor is just a football player and not some married politician who can brazen it out after being caught w/ his mistress in Argentina or a prime minister explaining why his army’s general had to hitch a ride on an American helicopter.

    Bizarre story (at least I think so) has Barcelona looking to swap Eto’o for Ibrahimovic. Why on earth would you give up the “Pichichi” winner is beyond my understanding.

    Hleb apparently headed to Inter on loan w/ a permanent deal possible. Now Hleb can get all the gelato he wants. He should get the playing time he wants w/ Figo retired, Mancini out of favor, Vieira going, going , and Quaresma still trying to prove he can have an impact outside of Portugal.

    We all keep going around and around on Huntelaar vs Chamakh. If we were to enter the picture for Huntelaar, I think that 10m difference would fall because of the player’s desire. If. I now don’t think we will enter the Huntelaar sweepstakes. Chamakh has finally gotten educated in the last few days about Sunderland and the EPL. I’m prepared to forgive him for ‘not knowing’ what it means to be linked to Arsenal in this the information age. More importantly, Chamakh offers us more versatility than Huntelaar who cannot ‘think’ outside the box 😉

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