Yesterday, as £80m world record signing Christiano Ronaldo and his new Real Madrid teammates were put through their paces in Ireland, a woman stood among other people and waited for an opportunity to have her picture taken with any and/or all of Los Galacticos Dos.
As practice wound down, a clearly confused Ronaldo wandered too near the cougar den and suddenly was accosted by Aoife Finneran who, with cell phone cam at the ready, thrust her head near the mega-super-star and screamed “SAY CHEESE!”
Afterwards, Aoife, described the experience thus:
As he neared me I could see his rippling muscles, his confident swagger, the swagger of a man who’s wallet is so thick you could club baby seals with it. As he approached I think he sensed the danger and flinched as if to flee but my cat-link instincts took over and I pounced. As I thrust my head into the frame of the photograph, I noticed that he smelled of lovemaking and raindrops. It was the most sublime experience of my life. I tried to bite his neck and go for the kill but he escaped by quickly falling over and clutching his ankle — dead animal pose stops a cougar every time.
A clearly shaken Ronaldo was immediately whisked off to the first aid tent where he received some water, a hair cut, and a pedicure. He’s said to be recovering in hospital and should be fully recouperated in the morning, after a hot bath, with fresh flowers, and bubbles.
Going once, going twice…
Meanwhile, Arsenal super star and the world’s most wifi-enabled player, Emmanuel Adebayor was reportedly being offered by Arsenal to every other team on the planet, but most notably to Manchester United. Pundits believe the move by Arsene Wenger is in retaliation for Ferguson giving Arsenal Silvestre last year.
The player, who is widely recognized as a “tender and considerate lover,” is currently mulling over his options in the Algave, sipping Sancerre. The sticking point seems to be that he loves Arsenal and Arsenal supporters so much that £170,000 a week, making him briefly the highest paid player in the EPL (until City sign Terry next week), is not enough to prise him from the warm embrace of his beloved Arsenal.
Coincidentally, that the exact plot line from The Merchant of Venice, from whence this quote floweth
What’s here? the portrait of a blinking idiot,
Presenting me a schedule! I will read it.
How much unlike art thou to Portia Adebayor!
How much unlike my hopes and my deservings!
“Who chooseth me shall have as much as he deserves”!
Did I deserve no more than a fool’s head?
Is that my prize? Are my deserts no better?
It is, perhaps, one of The Bard’s finest tragedies.
David Beckham Eats Dedication and Craps MLS Teams
A clearly remorseful David Beckham was interviewed yesterday and when asked how he felt about leaving his teammates for six months while he pursued the dream of being part of the England World Cup squad, he responded with tears in his eyes:
I think what you’ve seen is that I’ve been very dedicated to the Galaxy, dedicated to the fans. I’ve always been committed to every contract I’ve ever had, and that hasn’t changed. I’m a very committed person. If people want to question my commitment and my professionalism, the fact that I’m willing to travel thousands of miles to play for my country says it all.
I hate to editorialize in the middle of such a serious column, but I have to agree with David here; nothing says “honoring your committments” and “dedication to the cause” like leaving your team on a loan and promising to return when your team’s season starts up again, and then negotiating a special loan deal to extend your stay at the other team, then when their season is over, reluctantly re-joining the team you are contracted to half way through their season.
Beckham saves his most scathing criticism, however, for people who say he hasn’t helped American Soccer while on loan in Italy:
What I’ve done for the league so far has been very successful, I’ve had a successful effect on the game here. You know, there are eight new franchises coming into the league, new stadiums going up (and) attendances, wherever we’ve played as a team. If you look at the attendances we have had throughout the seasons, there’s not many Premiership (teams) that get the average attendance that we’ve had, excluding Manchester United and Arsenal and teams like that.
It’s true, in his brief stint in America, all 26 games, Beckham has been extremely effective. He has swept through the land and like a modern day Johnny Appleseed, crapping out stadiums and teams left and right. Moreover, excluding Arsenal and Man U, the Galaxy’s attendance is better than 7 of the 20 teams in the EPL; edging out West Bromwich Albion by just over 180 folks per game.
It’s clearly a footballing revolution when the biggest name in world football can go to a city of 10million souls and draw nearly the same attendance as a Stoke-on-Trent with their massive population of 240,000.
Another Shakespeare play comes to mind here, I don’t remember the name right now, but I think it’s the one about hubris.
Thank you for bringing football to America, David!