An open letter to Phil Brown

Dear Phil,

Good morning, how are you feeling today? Better than yesterday? Still hungover? I ask because I can only imagine that it was drink that fueled yesterday’s incredible BBC 5 Live interview in which you quite clearly accused Cesc Fabregas of poor dress and Mike Riley of intentionally throwing the Arsenal match.

I just want to take a few minutes and respond to each of the accusations that you leveled against Arsenal in that 7 minute interview. Do you have time for that, my Darling?

Good.

First, let’s talk about your most factually based accusation: Cesc Fabregas was in fact “dressing in the manner he was dressed.” Here’s a picture to prove it:

fab-u-lous dress senseWhat a gross outfit! It totally is unflattering to his body type. What is up with the cuffs on that jacket? They make the puffy jacket look more puffy and the cuff on the bottom of the jacket makes it look like he’s smuggling a ham in the mid section there. If I weighed 11 stones I’d wear things that showed off my body a little more, rather than something that makes me look like I have a keg under my shirt. Good eye, Mr. Brown.

And while we’re on the topic of fashion do you mind if I point out that your spray tan is just a little too orange? What you want is a a healthy glow but not to make it look like you obviously tan. That’s difficult to do in a climate like England but it can be done, just cut back to like once every two weeks, rather than the daily treatments you seem to be taking. If you don’t slow down you’re going to start to glow in the dark, my Darling.

Now, another thing you mentioned in your interview there was how Arsene Wenger “never” shakes your hand

He wouldn’t shake my hand when we beat them fairly 2-1 at the Emirates. He wouldn’t shake my hand when they beat us, fairly, 3-1 at the KC Stadium.

The problem I’m having here, Philly, is that we have photographs proving that Wenger did, in fact, shake your hand after both of those matches. Is there an alternate definition of “shake” or “hand” that I’m missing?

Now, to the “spitting” incident, the meat of the matter at hand. Cesc has denied the allegations, categorically, and you have no witnesses as you admitted to Victoria Derbyshire in the interview above. I mean, I know that you tried to redirect that conversation with the whole “are you calling me a liar” tactic but everyone listening knows that just means you actually don’t have any evidence. Do you have any evidence that Cesc spat on anyone, near anyone, or toward anyone or do we all have to take your word for it?  Because, I’m just saying that your word isn’t too good right now.

As for Gallas’ “offside” goal, remember that Hull City might not have even been playing Arsenal had it not been for a controversial decision that went against Sheffield United back in February. I didn’t hear you complaining about the officiating when you got the benefit of what Sheffield supporters think was a poor decision to rule Naughton’s header an own goal. That’s how this stuff works, Phillie, sometimes a decision goes your way, sometimes it goes our way and when the final whistle goes we all have to be man enough to say “well, crap” and get on with our lives. Not go whingeing to the press about how poorly dressed Cesc was (which is true) or how he slathered Horton Hears a Who with a gallon of Catalan Saliva (not true).

And finally, no, you didn’t “get up our noses” — your team scored a lucky, deflected goal and then attempted to play anti-football for 77 minutes. Arsenal bettered your goal for the better part of those 77 minutes, resulting in some 70% of possession and the best chances of score by leaps and bounds. Arsenal deserved that win and everyone knows it.

I know you claim to have your coaching medals and if that’s true you would know that time wasting is a bookable offense because it’s cheating. Now, if you’re going to cheat and break the rules you have to be crafty about it. See, the problem is that your team doesn’t have the required craft of a team like Blackburn in order to pull off the whole anti-football thing and not pick up a host of bookings. So, Mike Riley was 100% correct to book 5 of your players, your team showed an indiscipline in it’s cheating that I haven’t seen since Arsenal last played Chelsea. Don’t blame Riley for the things he did right when there’s so much he did wrong in that game!

Anyway, Phil, I really hope you feel better today. You’re going to need all your strength to answer the charges that the FA are likely to bring against you for calling Mike Riley a cheat, for lying about Cesc spitting, and now it’s being reported that your assistant, Horton Hears a Who, called Cesc an “arrogant Spanish ____” and by ____ I don’t think he said “International.”

So, instead of getting Arsenal charged with stuff, it looks like you might get a charge or three yourself. That would add insult to injury wouldn’t it? My Darling?

Cheers,

Tim

14 Comments on An open letter to Phil Brown

  1. Brown has no evidence of him spitting so that makes him innocent does it?
    Do you have evidence to say that he didn’t spit?
    Who are you to say whats true and what is not, where you there?
    Ill answer that last one for you, no you were not, ill also remind you your arrogant little midfield mystro has previous as demonstrated when he unleased a mouth full of catalan saliva all over michael Ballacks face two yars ago, check youtube for that one as there actually is evidence but i’m sure you will still say hes innocent.
    Also you really should not throw stones in your glass house fella, arsene Wenger is the biggest culprit at ‘not seeing things’ in the game aslong as it his boys commiting the fouls though, he has eagle eyes when anyone harms his arrogant kids.
    In short your team are in decline, get ready to be challenging for a uefa cup spot and stop moaning cause your team has fallen behing the real big teams.

    ps. before you say it i’m not a Hull fan either, im a Leeds fan as it goes and am not too keen on the cod heads at all i just could not resit commenting when i read that pile of **** above.

  2. Excellent post!

    PB was fined this morning 2500 pounds for the dust up with Newcastle’s manager in another FA Cup match February.

    I just don’t think your Darling gets on well with others. That’s the gist here.

    Oh, did you see the FA called up Walcott for two U-21 FRIENDLIES!!???? Good fuck can’t they leave him off the squad for at least a couple meaningless matches?

  3. Good morning to you all. I am happy to see that Arsenal has fans in places as far as America and Europe. This makes my heart full of joy and pride. And thank you for the great post. I wanted to clear some mistakes however. Arsenal has currently none of the players you are talking about in your blog. We don’t have a Fabregas or a Gallas, etc. For your information, here is a list of Arsenal’s current players:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arsenal_de_Sarandí
    Please scroll to the bottom of the page.
    Thank you for your support of Arsenal and keep up the good work.
    -Manuel Ortega

  4. This site is bare shit!!!

    You’re a mug mate!!!

    SHITTY SITE

    Gooner Talk will always remain on top!

  5. Hi mate,

    Randy from Arsenal SPOT was using my account details – username, email etc.

    When that happens, the gravatar on the left hand side comes up. >>>

    Sorry for the trouble, you’ll have to email him if you want to take it further.

    Or just check the IP addresses.

    Regards.

  6. Phil Brown should just quit his silly whinin and concentrate on more important matters like maintaining Hulls premier league status, or else u and ur assistant will be accusing lower league opponents of spittin on ur not so expensive suits next season…

  7. Billy Bremmer, Leeds are a huge pack of cunts, now, fuck off back to the third division or wherever you belong, the big boys are talking about football in here.

  8. fabregas was dressed inappropriately for being on a football pitch. he shouldnt have been there. he looked more like an italian football hooligan who had invaded the pitch. this together with the manner in which he was being overtly agressive towards hull players makes him look a right cunt in everyones eyes except for arsenal fans.
    he spat in the direction of (same thing as ‘at’?) Brian Horton.
    Wrong simple as. anyone who sticks up for him is simply blinded by his allegiance to arsenal.
    and for brown to mention these facts he is then berated?
    come on lads get a grip of reality.
    if ronaldo had come on the pitch shoving his face in the arsenal players faces agressively and then spat at an arsenal official you lot would be moaning like fook.
    but you feel the need to forget the facts and focus on brown.
    fools

  9. “he spat in the direction of (same thing as ‘at’?) Brian Horton.”

    You know that for fact or are you taking Phil Brown’s word as true?

    Cesc has CATEGORICALLY denied spitting, Brown has changed his story about the spitting three times now, and Brown has been found out as a liar (he claimed specific times that Wenger didn’t shake his hand and we have video and photographic evidence that proves Wenger shook his hand).

    If you take Phil Brown’s day glow orange cock out of your mouth for a few minutes you might see that Phil Brown is a liar and Cesc is a genius.

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