Having the press go gaga over an Arsenal footballer is a bit confusing. I know that I’m a relatively new Arsenal blogger (since Jan 1, 2008) but I can’t remember a time when the press was so unified in their glowing praise of an Arsenal player: even the invincibles were criticised. So, you’ll pardon me if I cast a jaundiced eye on this recent spate of Wallgod love. Oh wait, I’m wrong, at least one person is criticising Theo; bitter old England failure Chris Waddle.
Look, as much as I want to listen to a man who once famously sported this fabulous haircut I just can’t. And it’s not just because he’s an ex-Spud either! This is the man who dumped England out of the 1990 World Cup semi-final with a missed penalty. What would he know about World Cup football except how to fail at it?
No, partisan hacks and World Cup drama queen failures aside, pretty much everyone is behind Theo as he single-handedly sets out to slay the evil Kazakh dragons. “Don’t clip his wings!” reads one headline. “Walcott to dance a jig on the dead bodies of the 1966 superstars” claims Russel Brand who’s hairstyle will be as fondly remembered as Chris Waddle’s in 5 years’ time.
Russel, please, for the love of God, look at yourself in the mirror; that hairstyle is as preposterous a coif as I have ever seen on a human being. What is that? It’s like a reverse 80’s high school aquanet bangs hairstyle. Seriously, you make Chris Waddle look like a sensible man.
If the articles aresn’t full of hyperbole about how Theo will solve the global economic crisis, cure cancer, and score a quad-trick on Borat they are looking back at his glorious career: here’s a great one about how some guy spotted Theo when he was 10. Have you ever wondered what happened to Theo’s teammates on the England U-17 squad? Me either. Or what about the thoughts of Sunderland’s “Theo Stopper?” Sup on those and you shall fill your belly with the food of genius. Or how about “What is it like to practice with Flash Walcott?” Seriously. All of this hype is getting to me, I think I need a rest.
Theo is a tremendous talent and I am convinced that as good as he is he will only get better. Given that we all know that, can we stop all the hyperbole now? Oh, and Russel? Cut the mullet, tell the barber you’re sick of looking like an asshole.
Hleb is a Cunt
I really wish Hleb’s left leg fell off at the knee. If he isn’t talking shit about his former teammates, or talking shit about London he’s busy “living his dream” in Spain dribbling incessantly for Barcelona and talking shit about how Cesc should come play with him at Barca. Yes, Alex, I’m sure Cesc would be extremely happy at Barcelona, you know, as the third option behind Xavi and Iniesta. Can’t you shut your mouth and wait until Summer to try to unsettle him, at least? Don’t you have any loyalty to Arsene Wenger, the man who rescued your failure of a career?
Clearly not, which is why Hleb is a cunt.
Adebayor Spins in Togo’s Grave
I admire Adebayor, his waffling skils are unrivalled by any player in the world. What other player could retire one day and un-retire two days later.
Gallas Takes the Blame
And finally, William Gallas admitted that his sit-down protest at the death of the 2-2 draw away to Birmingham was the wrong thing to do. Well… that’s pretty incredible. It took you nearly a year to admit that? Come on Bill…