Wenger to Barcelona — Everybody Panic!!!

Good morning from the place where I can get an ice-cold lager for 50p!  Actually if I tried to give anyone here 50p, they would laugh at me and say “The dollar is the international currency!” If only they knew…

There is big, huge, massive news this morning.  So massive (how massive is it?) it makes Ashley Cole look like a tiny cunt.  So massive it makes the Tunguska blast look like a science experiment gone awry.  Here it is, the 7am Kickoff world exclusive that will shake the world to its very core:

Arsene Wenger is going to Barcelona.

That’s it he’s as good as gone.  He’ll also be taking Cesc with him but leave us with a team full of goats: Eboue, Adebayor, Senderos, and Flamini.  Also, in another world exclusive, Arsenal has revealed that they are signing Sam Allardyce to replace Wenger.  After Sam indicated that the Magpies weren’t really a big enough team for him, Arsenal reportedly went into overtime to sign him.  Arsenal’s board were reportedly overheard saying:

beautiful football is dead, we want to go back to the days of ‘boring, boring, Arsenal’ and Sam’s the best candidate for that job.

All of this is 100% true.  It must be, because I’ve seen it in the press.

Tomorrow, I’ll do a preview of the FA cup match, if the club is even going to bother, now that Wenger is headed out the door.

Until then…